Virgo2018-05-04T13:31:14+00:00

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Learning the tuba
To impress chicks? Your plan has
No flaws I can see

Productivity
Tip: bash in your own skull now
Before it’s tax time

You need to cut loose
For once, or the anchor will
Drag you back under

In the deep stillness
Of the forest, a bear longs
For videogames

It will turn out that
The Matrix is really a
Golf simulator

Anytime you feel
Like you aren’t accomplishing
Enough, trust that sense

Increase your vocab
So you will be able to
Describe this new pain

Time waits for no man
Yet it will always wait for
Attractive women

They say you have a
Beautiful mind—remember
That “they” are zombies

Better with butter!
I’m speaking, of course, about
Weird fetish sex games

I can’t help it if
You don’t like the way that I
Attempt my murders

Be forewarned that these
Horoscopes contain gruesome
Depictions of you

These human heads do
Make great bookends—I have to
Admit I was wrong

E-mail and texting
Are both over with—now it’s
All about long knives

Although bullies are
A real problem, first deal with
The murderous elves

Don’t be so quick to
Assume guilt just because they
Confessed to the crimes

You know the old rhyme:
“A Kardashian a day
Keeps marriage at bay”

I’m going to go
On record saying do not
Make your safe word “more”

Let your friends know that
You love them just as much as
You love hating them

Hannibal Lecter
Invited you for dinner—
It’s rude to say no

Yawns are contagious
So we must isolate you
From society

Invest a lot—aw
Hell, I’m going to say all—
Of your cash in wolves

Anti-aging cream
Is the key to keeping your
Babies freaky-cute

Photos from before
You had amnesia are just
Weighing you down now

It may be that milk
Does a body good, but it
Cannot cure your warts

Now that the Guitar
Hero craze has died down, you
Have lost your compass

Treat yourself to a
Candy bar because you will
Soon lose your taste buds

You should look up the
Word ‘defenestrate’ because
It will soon occur

Take a vacation
From your vacation with a
Vacation report

The most efficient
Use of your time today is
Hiding evidence

The cows will come home
This week, so you’d better get
Some new hobbies soon

I have spoken to
God, and he’s never heard of
This “platypus” thing

I feel I can say
With certainty that you shall
Become fire ant chow

All of those noises
Outside of your window are
Just gangland killings

I don’t believe that
You really need those stinking
Badges. You neither?

The ability
To rate things, quite frankly, is
Much overrated

Your luck will sour when
You break the heart of Mirren,
Goddess of mirrors

I don’t know where you
Got the idea that bread
Makes a great sex toy

I don’t know what to
Suggest other than cutting
Off the second head

The wisdom of the
Ancients is being replaced
By bad rap lyrics

I don’t know what you
Plan to do with eighty-six
Dildos, but have fun!

I don’t feel funny
Today—why don’t you amuse
Yourself for a change?

Mummies are getting
Drunk right now, wondering when
Their moment will come

If werewolves scare you
Then you won’t enjoy living
In Werewolf Village

Brush off your bathing
Suit and dive right into the
Worst week of your life

Every time you blink
Your eyes get a little more
Ready to explode

The best thing you can
Do in this situation
Is remove your brain

Have you read Titus?
Let’s just say avoid eating
Pie this holiday

In the deepest part
Of your mind you know that you
Want to eat lizards

You’ll need an agent
To help you navigate the
Tricky freak show world

Always make sure you
Are ready to defend your
Right to a sandwich

Everyone deserves
A little compassion when
They eat small kittens

The Minotaur will
Let you live if you help him
Defeat Michael Bay

Your accomplishment
Is crafting music that will
Enrage savage beasts

Shortly your belief
In the Jabberwocky will
Be newly bolstered

Look, the Spider God
Said I should wrap you up in
Webbing—not my fault!

Music soothes savage
Beasts—unless it’s the music
Of Justin Bieber

Listen dude—just keep
Your opinions on free speech
To yourself, okay?

Take positives and
Turn them into negatives
—Bad wiring advice

It’s not my fault that

You kept all of your stuff in

That house I burned down

You should have bought that
Anti-killer-bee spray when
You first had the chance

The spell-checker in
My computer knows “Langdon”—
Democracy failed

Confucius says that
He wants royalties any
Time that you quote him

And I don’t mean a
Night in a haunted house—I
Mean sex with a ghost

Someone’s murdering
Clowns—it wouldn’t be you, would
It, Johnny Clownkill?

Your arrest and your
Subsequent trial will really
Eat into golf time

Get out your worst-case
Contingency plan, because
Cthulhu just rose

No sane person will
Want to fund your film with an
All-fried-chicken cast

The terrible truth
Is “tribbles” are humankind’s
Visionary height

The cows will come home
This week—it’s best not to ask
Them where they have been

You’ll be shocked to learn
Some philosopher spent his
Life critiquing you

Do not let your fear
Dictate what you will and what
You will not ingest

You’ve been watching too
Much CSI—there’s no such
Thing as “evidence”

There’s one thing you know
For sure: a mythical Roc
Lives in your backyard

Your every move is
Being watched by that guy you
Paid to watch your moves

A new pencil is
A bad birthday gift for your
Pet anaconda

That isn’t your own
Reflection but an evil
Twin that you must kill

Your curse will not be
Lifted until you return
The warlock’s mower

The best things in life
Are free to those who’ve secured
A giant fortune

Hypnosis may be
The answer to your smoking
And free-will problems

With enough hard work
And dedication, you can
Become a Pisces

Put all your eggs in
The same basket—I believe
This is good advice

Look, I know dragons
Aren’t real, I’m just saying that
They will murder you

Excuse me while I
Kiss the sky. What song? No, no
I just made that up

Your life is your own
Normally, but in this case
It belongs to Doug

Snoop Dogg isn't as
Popular as he once was—
Neither is your face

Dishes piling up?
Why not use up another
Of your three wishes?

In a parallel
World somewhere, your double is
Having a great time

The rapture will come
This week, but will only take
Annoying people

Your teeth themselves are
Sentient and are planning
To devour your soul

A train’s a-comin’
That pulls behind it all your
Trained attack poodles

Your gift to the world
Is your song, or rather, you
Not singing that song

Whatever you do
Don’t go to the circus, it’s
Not much fun this year

Well, the ethical
Thing would be to refund that
Penny for your thoughts

What you don’t know won’t
Hurt you, unless we’re talking
’bout buried land mines

Positive action
Makes a difference in the
Life of an ion

Don’t fear the reaper —
For some reason he’s become
Your number one fan

My professional
Opinion: your future won’t
Make it to next week

Don’t waste resources —
Squeeze all that oil out of your
Hair into your car

Keep at it—one day
Polka-trip-hop will become
Very popular

I don’t know if you
Should marry the dingo — would
He be good with kids?

The new Burger King
On your block marks the return
Of the feudal life

Your novel about
A guy who reads horoscopes
Sometimes will not sell

Move back into your
Parents’ basement to save cash
To spend on hookers

The aliens want
To make a deal — they will pay
You if you probe them

I’d say honesty
Is the best policy, but
I would be lying

You’ll develop a
Skin condition this week where
Your skin will explode

You’ll wake up in bed
This weekend lying beside
A werewolf stripper

Your car will sell for
More if you can get the flux
Capacitor fixed

Your birthday’s coming
So start gazing with longing
At things you want now

After a lifetime
Of work, you’ll get what’s coming:
Dark obscurity

Appreciate what
You have, and let go of the
Things I stole from you

Sex is your reward
For a job well done, and your
Partner’s punishment

You’ve drowned your sorrows
Now bury their bodies or
Face the murder charge

The sun will enter
Your birth sign, meaning you won’t
Be Virgo for long

You’ll be tempted by
The crack this week, and a fine
Temptation it is

This week, try being
More erratic, and don’t use
Any known language

These are tough times, and
Require tough decisions — pick
Your pizza toppings

Look, I was wrong to
Advise you to jump into
That vat of acid

You’ll be worked to death
Building a pyramid to
Your housecat’s glory

Your corpse disposal
Agency will become an
Unnerving success

Just buy the demons
A box of Timbits each day
And they’ll let you be

Your Ben Mulroney
Blow-up doll will go missing
— Too many suspects

The naked pillow
Fight you organize will take
A violent turn

You’ll wake to find a
Goat in bed with you — cut down
On your drinking, soon

Lower your standards
In this job market — apply
To be a lab rat

We all need a bit
Of extra cash, but don’t sell
Off your body parts

You’re too quick to judge
People, and condemn them to
Lethal injection

The one thing missing
In your life is a hat with
Working propeller

As a gesture of
Good will, bake a nice cake for
The Martian warlord

Some small decision
Lands you in prison — you get
To guess what it is

Your lottery win
Will change your life to one with
Daily robberies

I’m told “suicide
Is painless” and I’d like you
To test that theory

I don’t know where the
Goats came from, but it’s just rude
To ignore them now

The zombie lifestyle
May not be for you, but that
Doesn’t mean it’s wrong

My sword-pen is much
Mightier than anything
You brought to the fight

Just let the dragon
Be your king—it is much less
Hassle than a quest

Mars is moving to
A new house, and it wants you
To help with the move

You’ll be involved in
A shark attack—odd, since you
Won’t go near water

What you had for lunch
Will turn out to be the best
Part of your whole life

Though you’ll soon die, at
Least you’ll get to witness a
Great apocalypse

Your lack of bread makes
You a potential victim
Of mallard violence

“Food for thought” doesn’t
Have to be processed and poured
In your ear canal

You don’t have the drive
And so you will never be
The guitar hero

Your computer needs
More memory—it only
Recalls Britney Spears

Olympic fever
Is spreading, and the strain you
Catch will be fatal

Virgo Magazine
Wants to do a feature on
Your porn collection

It turns out gremlins
Are real, and that they really
Hate your guts—wacky

Your hermaphrodite
Porn collection will soon be
Finally complete

You will withstand great
Torture but spill the beans when
They bring in Avril

Buying that house on
Maniac St. was the worst
Money you have spent

Keep a close eye on
Your Leo neighbour with the
Really stunning lawn

While on a calm stroll
Down Memory Lane, you’ll be
Attacked by zombies

Donate blood — it saves
Lives by quenching the thirst of
The vampire legions

People would like you
More if you paid them lots of
Money to like you

If I were you I’d
Jump to the conclusion that
I’d been body-snatched

Your new code name is
“The Agent to be Used for
Major Scapegoating”

After a long and
Hard consideration, you’ll
Choose serving Mammon

Your have to learn to
Take advice and stop selling
Ad space on organs

The stars told me, and
I’ll tell you: beware purple
Monkey dishwasher

Your freedom of speech
Does not extend far enough
To say Pink Floyd sucks

You are the walrus?
My eyes have deceived me, and
I shall put them out

Tonight’s the night to
Make beautiful music, not
To squeeze alley cats

The pope just released
Seven new mortal sins and
Your name comes up twice

Someone you respect
Will surprise you by setting
Your t-shirt on fire

I know it’s hard to
Understand, but a discount
Hooker’s not worth it

I love strawberries!
They’re so good! Try some! This week
Will be your last chance

You’re the exception
Which lives to prove the rule of
Thermodynamics

You spent your whole life
Living by the sword — now die
By the bendy straw

Well, you may be a
Virgo, but at least it don’t
Hurt when you Pisces

The cows are coming
Home this week, so stop having
Sex with all their wives

You’ve been downgraded
To a mere twelve seconds of
Pseudo-fame, now gone

Time heals all wounds, and
So I don’t advise going
To the hospital

I foresee that in
The future something vague will
Occur in your life

Those butterflies in
Your stomach mean you’re in love —
Or a horror film

I'm not sure why you're

So worried about that skull

Found on your doorstep

Rubbing the Buddha’s
Belly for luck may help you
But hurts his ulcer

This week will be the
Only week when it’s okay
To mess with Texas

The shoe is on the
Other foot now, you’ve proven
That you failed preschool

Sure, the doll’s trying
To kill you, but it’s a rare
Collector’s item

Choose your words well when
Informing Sherlock Holmes that
You found no feces

At this point, you should
Just build the rats their own bath,
Kitchen, and bedroom

You’ll wind up in the
Hospital after playing
“Hide the Wolverine”

The lemon-scented
Atomic bomb was really
Not your best brain-wave

Don’t tell people you’re
“Playing with yourself” when you’re
Playing Solitaire

Does Superman get
Super drunk? That’d explain what
Will happen this week

With each passing day,
You are getting closer to
The leprechaun’s gold

Go for the cheap laughs
Your stand-up act is claiming
Far too many lives

Your class field trip to
The city morgue will be quite
Educational

Don’t look that gift horse
In the mouth: legend says he
Has halitosis

Give it up — you can’t
Sell a vacuum cleaner to
That orangutan

You’ll wolf whistle at
A pretty girl this week — and
Be attacked by wolves

You’ll track the evil
Robot to his secret base
Inside IKEA

I know that is your
“Lucky condom” but you have
To stop using it

You and your lover,
Like birds of a feather, will
Be made into hats

Remember the last,
Dying words of your father:
“Don’t touch that button”

Art will reach its true
Apex with the release of
Your “Pubic Spaces”

If you make your dog

Wear that scarf, you’ll pay for it
In the afterlife

Once the shark attack
Is over, not much is set
To happen … relax!

With all that Semtex
You’ll really be blowing things
Out of proportion

You’ll get a TV
Show of your own this week, when
TV goes to hell

Your guitar skills will
Improve greatly after you
Turn the face outward

When that robot starts
His killing spree, you’ll wish you’d
Read the instructions

Until someone can
Combine rap and polka, space
Travel is but dream

Don’t worry, in your
Next life you will be Pam Lee’s
Nipple Technician

Ask not what you can
Do for your country, ask the
Martians what they’ll pay

You’re beating a dead
Horse and milking a dead cow
So give up farming

Wishing upon a
Star is about as dumb as
Reading horoscopes

Lucky bamboo or
Not, you should really have the
Doctor remove it

Though a man is his
Own island, you can’t declare
Your sovereignty

Your big fat mouth will
Come in handy in your new
Job as town crier

You have the eyes of
A hawk. The operation
Was a great success.

Supervising the
Factory will be pretty
Much run of the mill

Learn more about bears
After this week, you’ll be glad
You made the effort

Get your car off my
Lawn. I mean it. Your car needs
To get off my lawn.

Your smile is a bit
Unnerving since you filed all
Your teeth to sharp points

It was really Chuck
Who directed Citizen
Kane and Anchorman

The moving finger
Writes, and, having writ, mails off
The Penthouse letter

A horse walks into
A bar. The bartender says:
“The usual, Ed?”

Moral bankruptcy
Is a fine reason not to
Pay back your bank loan

It’s time to put your
Foot down – that other method
Of walking just sucked

Have a “hot dog.” What?
Oh, those quotation marks were
Just for “fun.” Really.

You’ll meet the Reaper
This week. Offer him some juice.
That’s not easy work.

It’s always darkest
Before the dawn of the dead.
Dark, and then bright red.

While self-esteem is
Important, the gold dusting
Your skin’s a bit much

Here’s a question: Is
There porno in Heaven? Cuz
I likes my porno

Your lust for life will
Result in a lawsuit from
Rocker Iggy Pop

It’s a bad hair week
For you—you might as well just
Commit suicide

Come on, be honest
Is anybody really
Buying those hotcakes?

Neither king of the
Castle nor dirty rascal—
Who are you, Virgo?

Bad times are ahead
For you after crawling in
The cannon to sleep

Bad news—later this
Week Microsoft will announce
Plans to build Skynet

Your own TV show?
Maybe not this week, but it
Could happen in Hell

A Pez dispenser
Shaped like Snoop Dogg—that’s how we
Roll down in my hood

Trust me, once you lie
On a bed of writhing snakes
You’ll never go back

That koala looks
Cuddly but he plans to sell
Your organs for drugs

Looking for love? If
I were you I would invest
In a push-up thong

Get out of the house
This week and enjoy the sun–
Leave the door unlocked

Your struggle inspires
Us all to become better
Alien hybrids

Your element is
Earth, which means—hold on, this time
I’ll keep a straight face

My line of tasty
Chocolate crucifixes
Make fine Easter gifts

Don’t play with fire or
You may get burned, and Smokey
Will rip you to shreds

Nine Inch Nails is a
Rock band? So I set up this
Porn shoot for nothing?

It doesn’t pay to
Lie. The big money is in
Extortion, not fraud.

Productivity
Will increase when you begin
Mainlining coffee

Don’t think of yourself
As a hostage, think of it
As a free hotel

You have to make a
Choice. Either you have the fish
Or the salad. Choose.

SpongeBob SquarePants may
Be cute, but his warm smile masks
A dark double life

Mike Tyson has your
Number. Get ready. One day,
He will want pizza.

After that wild night
In Vegas, you are not a
Virgo any more

They say lightning does
Not strike twice, but for you it’ll
Make an exception

You’ll encounter some
Wild salmon in the next week—
They’ll rip you to shreds

It will be colder
This week than a Wiccan’s teat—
Sorry, not PC?

Sad to say, until
The age of 50 you will
Remain a Virgo

Do not look to your
Heart for guidance—look to the
Cold, dead, mindless stars

The ghosts of your loved
Ones want you to knock it off
With that psychic shit

That black cat means bad
Luck—it’s really a vampire
In animal form

Ignore your critics
They’ll never understand your
New “bad art” project

You are yellow—it
Could be cowardice or it
Could be your liver

If you love something
Set it free. No, that can’t be
Right — buy it candy?

Hey, when you see the
Devil this week, tell him that
I send my regards

Ben, I know you’re a
Homicidal rat, but I
Still love you for you

Showing a little
Leg can be sexy — glue a
Drumstick to your pants

You won’t survive the
Week without changing your ways
And your hiding place

It’s nothing but good
Times this week, as you lose hope
And then lose your mind

Keep watering those
Plants—when they mutate they will
Recall your kindness

Rock and Roll is here
To stay, and guess whose couch it’s
Planning to crash on

Caramel, whipped cream
And pumpkin pie do not a
Healthy breakfast make

Pack your bags; you will
Be forced to leave town later
—It’s the penguin’s fault

In some cultures it’s
Considered rude not to own
Up to the murders

Take this week to live
Out your fantasies — throw that
Ring into Mt. Doom

What’s in a name? It
Won’t help to start calling your
Penis “Mr. Big”

Each child’s like a light
In the darkness, revealing
You to enemies

They’re playing my song!
Yes, it’s “The Locomotion”
I’ll go away now

Just because you’re hot
Doesn’t mean you can—aw shucks
I’ll just hide the corpse

The crew is talking
Mutiny, since the treasure
Was a small child’s laugh

Avoid flying this
Week. Remember: you’re lacking
The power of flight

Your crazy schemes will
Finally pay off when you
Plead insanity

Con-GRAD-ulations!
See how I combined those two
Words? I’m so clever

Hot dogs mean summer
Swim in pools of processed meat
Find true happiness

There’s no reason to
Get excited about your
World crumbling to dust

You can’t keep living
Like you do, with only that
Walrus and a lamp

That blurry, thumb-shaped
Spot on your photograph must
Be a UFO

Some day your Prince will
Come, and on that great day you
Will be funk-ified

You might as well just
Relax and let the tapeworm
Thing work itself out

God helps those who help
Themselves—then he takes all the
Credit. Screw that guy.

I bet you can’t say
“Penguin” six times fast. You can?
You’re the Chosen One

Quit belly-achin’!
An ulcer? That just sounds like
An excuse to me

Forget Atkins—get
On my new diet plan, the
“Eat Less Shit” diet

Would you try to tame
The stars? Or the sky? Then why
Hulkamania?

To give you the prize
You’ve won, we must test your skill
—defeat the Gargoyle!

You should read more books
And spend less time plotting your
Revenge on the Nerds

Large breasts aren’t enough
To make it in the porn world
You need a pulse too

Tarkvosky’s genius
Was that he never listened
To what you told him

Try not to take this
Personally, but tigers
Prefer leaner meat

Get more bang for your
Buck with our new deer-killing
Series of land mines

Listen to what your
Heart has to say this week: ka-
thump, ka-thump. Ka-thump

It takes more muscles
To frown than it does to punch
Your cheerful lights out

You won’t understand
All of what happens this week
Tough luck for you, dope

Opportunity
Is knocking—will you answer?
C’mon, you’re closer

Hendrix still plays up
In Heaven—lucky you will
Score some seats this week

Logic will fail you
Drop out of that crash course on
Wombat mechanics

This week begins the
Crying of Lot 49
And your world’s demise

It’s all in the cards
Your friend Jack will suffer the
Loss of his right eye

It is super-mad
Extra-good crazy Haiku
Horoscope fun time!

Take things for granted
I know common wisdom says
Otherwise, but meh

As your time on Earth
Draws to an end, take pride in
That memo you wrote

It’s hard to admit
To your failings—and in your
Case, it would take weeks

The worst is behind
You. Run, you blasted fool, run!
Never stop running

What is it they say
About horses? Well, it might
Be some good advice

Everyone makes such
A big deal about Christmas—
Cheese must be involved

Cow-Hating Pig sez:
There’s a time for peace, and a
Time to get funky!

Spice up your sex life
With the addition of some
Burning hot peppers

Science will blind you
This week—luckily, science
Can fix that these days

Cannibalism
Really doesn’t disturb you
As much as it should

Don’t say things you can’t
Take back; in fact, just cut out
Your tongue to be safe

Shapeless blobs impose
Their terrible formlessness
Upon your great couch

The radio sucks
These days—that’s why you need those
Voices in your head

The family that
Prays together stays trapped by
God’s mind control ray

The best way to get
Better at playing drums is
To assault strangers

If your name is Jeff
You’ll be rent by dogs. If not
This week is a bust

Many things promise
To go right for you this week
But few keep their word

Rock’s not just music
It’s a way of life. Sorry
To get all heavy.

You’ll kick yourself in
The family jewels when
They’re stolen this week

Either you are the
Greatest Of All Time or a
Mere tin can muncher

Reality shows
Mean your fifteen minutes are
Getting cut to five

No one knows better
Than you the value of not
Leaving witnesses

God hates a coward
Don’t wimp out the next time God
Dares you to steal cars

God heard your prayers
And he has damned the table
You stubbed your toe on

Mind your Ps, but don’t
Worry about the Qs, since
Nobody likes them

Hunger will pang you
Now would be a good time to
Look up the word “pang”

I've said it before
But I'll say it one more time:
Never trust penguins

They said you wouldn’t
Amount to much, but now you’re
Worth a large bounty

That corset will make
People notice your figure
As you choke to death

Get a new haircut
That Seville guy is slashing
His prices all week

Somehow I doubt that
You can get a grant to write
Stupid horoscopes

Sadly, the only
Person who cares is at a
Long distance number

Brain cancer is a
Small price to pay for constant
“Beck-and-Call” status

Say it with music
You think America will
Just buy anything

Your maniacal
Laughter can only be an
Asset in hockey

Quit crying, it’s not
Like you’re the first person to
Be shot in the gut

Is it just me or
Does everyone think I should
Become the next God?

You don’t need drugs to
Have a good time, just relax
And we’ll pull that tooth

It’s a sad state of
Affairs when you forget you’re
Having an affair

Don’t listen to the
Critics — write that epic poem
About the penguin

Dear God, do I need
That miracle knife — are you
Watching this program?

Feeling old? Regain
A pure child-like innocence
Through senility

Guns don’t kill people
Sex-starved Virgos kill people
Try to get out more

The gay porno film
“Mucho Dick” is not true to
Melville’s “Moby-Dick”

Don’t get me started!
Let’s just say Martians are the
Tip of the iceberg

Scented candles will
Add some more romance to your
Arson offences

Grab that shotgun and
Start blasting zombies like the
Zomblar that you are

As a wise old street
Bum once said: School is for fools
And work is for jerks

Don’t worry, summer
Will come to us one day. Yes,
Just for that one day.

If at first you don’t
Succeed, then you’re probably
Not like me at all

Some nuts but no sign
Of a nutcracker — cruel fate
Why do you mock me?

Don’t expect answers
From the evil Tiki gods
Joe Suburbanite

Stop listening to
Weezer and get your filthy
Hands off my sweater

You probably have
A case of athelete’s foot and
Not the stigmata

Keep making mountains
Out of molehills and I’ll keep
Breeding giant moles

Your hub cap will fall
Off your car, causing you to
Lose your faith in God

Planning your escape
From the gym does not count as
Time exercising

Despite what you have
Heard, toothpaste is not made of
Mashed up human teeth

Screaming for help might
Be more effective if you
Did not sing metal

Getting maced when you
Try to help an old woman
Is its own reward

Summer is ending
You should get in line early
For Lord of the Rings

Suck down that Gangsta
Juice, get out your nine and cap
That silly rabbit

You will be fired for
Not washing your hands by the
Adult movie house

If you want to make
A wish, I’ve got something you
Can rub for good luck

Fame and fortune are
In the cards, not for you but
For baseball players

No amount of cash
Is going to change the fact
That I want it all

In the name of all
That is holy, tell Jesus
Where you hid his robe

It’s all Roses and
Sunshine since you don’t know the
Names of the strippers

Think before acting
Do not accept any roles
With monkey co-stars

Heed the warnings and
Do not delve too deep into
The live volcano

All week they will fight
The wolves versus the penguins
Either way you lose

If you don’t stop them
Before they flood your basement
Then the penguins win

Eat from measuring
Cups to see how much of a
Pig you really are

Fire the barbeque
That lazy bitch did nothing
For you all winter

There’s no time like the
Present for doing things that
You will soon regret

The bird bath is meant
To pretty your lawn, not to
Wash your genitals

Caterpillars will
Drive you insane—get the jump
On them and go mad

You will only give
Those business cards away to
Friends and family

Cameron Diaz
May be yummy, but do not
Eat the magazine

As stylish as it
May be, resist the urge to
Go to the bathroom

Watch for falling rocks
Especially any rocks
To which you are tied

Don’t go to Zombie
Mountain, they don’t like your kind
Ugly dumb people

Jesus is risen
But don’t feel that you have to
Get out of bed too

Be wary of clothes
Though they may look innocent
They are onto you

You have killer lice
But you also have monkeys
Congratulations

Music feeds the soul
No matter how confident
You feel, bleach does not

The stars do not lie
Unless they want something, so
Never trust the scum

Your are not virgin
You are only a Virgo
Stop scamming Christians

About Our Practice

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