The Top 5 Albums of 2014

While everyone made their “best-of 2013” lists, I took a break from predicting your weekly horoscopes in haiku form to predict the “best-of 2014.” Today, I bring to you the Top 5 Albums of 2014 — albums destined to revitalize the music industry and take the culture by storm.

5. MILEY CYRUS, Now That My Dissertation Is Complete, I Must Say I Am Very Disappointed In You All

In 2014, Miley Cyrus will let loose with her most shocking revelation yet — that she has been enrolled in a doctoral program in the Department of African American Studies at UC Berkeley, and all that twerking was part of a social experiment related to her dissertation. Completely a capella, the album won’t spawn any hits, but will spawn a great deal of conversation and start the phenomenon of “Miley Listening Parties,” at which people try to disentangle the point of the album, which consists primarily of rambling, seemingly unrehearsed, spoken-word rants. Standout track: “Seriously!?!” — a full nine minutes of Miley just repeating the question, “Seriously?” and also going “FFFhhhhh.”

4. GUNS N’ ROSES, Chinese Socialism

Axl Rose will follow up his underrated album Chinese Democracy with a sort-of re-release, Chinese Socialism. The latter album will be nearly identical to the former, except that every time some reference to democracy appears, Axl chops in a reference to socialism instead. Whether Rose is trying to make the album more palatable to the Chinese government, or was unaware that China was a socialist state and didn’t actually intend the title as a metaphor, the new lyrics have a strange charm: “Blame it on the Falun Gong / Which I’ve now been told deserves this blame.”

3. MARILYN MANSON, I Can’t Stop Eating Wonder Bread!!!

In a strange move for the shock-rocker, but one that breathes new life into a flagging career, Marilyn Manson will abandon dark, melodic, industrial-edged arena rock for dark, melodic, industrial-edged promotional jingles. With 70 songs, all under a minute each, I Can’t Stop Eating Wonder Bread!!! spawns 58 Billboard hits. Most notable (and hummable) track: Manson’s lead single, “Amazon Babylon Crayon Decaying,” a harrowing tale about a pleasant consumer experience shopping online.

2. CARCASS, Puppies

Everyone loves puppies, right? Wrong.

Carcass album cover
Carcass album cover

1. DRONE, Nothing To See Here

After feeding from the blood of One Direction, Simon Cowell will put together another pop-superstar boy-band, DRONE. Consisting entirely of military drones, their auto-tuned humming, whirring, and clicking will launch a new pop subgenre, “dronebeat.” DRONE doesn’t have much to say, lyrically, other than that we should ignore them completely. The single “Do Not Sing Along With This, Just Go Elsewhere and Ignore Us” will become a karaoke favourite after catapulting to the top of the charts. Despite their denials, DRONE is here to stay!

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Jonathan Ball is a writer, filmmaker, and scholar living at www.jonathanball.com.

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