“Jonathan Ball” is getting out of the writing business. To this end, the company has developed a Five Year Plan.
SUMMARY OF THE FIVE YEAR PLAN
Year One will be a year of frantic work, as the bills mount and with desperate fervour “Jonathan Ball” attempts to complete and sell as many pieces of writing as possible, in a last-ditch attempt to save this company. Year Two will see this activity slow and finally stop, and “Jonathan Ball” will dabble part-time in another industry just to “make ends meet.” Something very blue collar — some form of unskilled labour, like law enforcement. Year Three will focus on heavy drinking. In Year Four “Jonathan Ball” will cultivate a hollow stare, which will be perfected by Year Five, in which “Jonathan Ball” will complete the transition towards non-artistic industry — something harmless, like squirrel breeding.
PURPOSE OF REPORT
This report is informational in nature, and concerns important developments in the recent fiscal year, and explains some of the decisions leading to this change. The report consists primarily of a cost-benefit analysis of this shift in focus, and how it shall prove beneficial to you, the stakeholders.
WHO WE ARE
But first, a little bit about who we are, for those new to the company. “Jonathan Ball,” began in 1979 but was only incorporated around the year 2000, when the world failed to end as poor mathematicians predicted and writing began “seriously.” Since that point, the company has failed to turn a profit.
Numerous costs are associated with continuing operations, which fall generally into two large categories: “Life” costs and “Financial” costs. “Life” costs include, but are not limited to, back pain, night terrors, and paleness. “Financial” costs appear minimal at a superficial glance. However, the opportunity costs associated with running “Jonathan Ball” are substantial.
Over the past fiscal year, costs of “existential angst” have grown to all-time highs. Stakeholders, reviewing the annual report of the previous year, had suggested that “Jonathan Ball” might consider “getting out of the writing game” and perhaps into another “game.” While “the rap game” was offered as a possibility, it was ultimately discarded. Other “games” have been considered and discarded, as the company CEO developed the Five Year Plan.
The Five Year Plan has its own additional costs. It will entail increased anxiety and, in Year Three, liver damage. Existential angst, the cost of which is the driving focus for this change, is expected to triple in the short term — but drop to minimal levels in the long term.
The primary benefits of running “Jonathan Ball” include, and are limited to, a sense of self. This is not to be confused with a sense of self-worth. This sense of self is another cost of ceasing operations. However, the ceasing of operations has one large, primary benefit, which compensates for many of the aforementioned costs: not having to deal with “it” anymore.
In conclusion, you, the stakeholders, stand to benefit from increased, even desperate, bids for attention and validation from Jonathan Ball (current-president and CEO of “Jonathan Ball,” and future tipsy squirrel-breeding officer of the law).
It has been a bad year for “Jonathan Ball,” but the future looks bright! However, we should resist the urge to begin writing a story about this future, or a poem expressing hopeful sentiments using metaphors of brightness and shade.