(April 20 – May 20)

Dirty, nasty sex—
Don’t be ashamed of it, but
Also, don’t touch me

Your odds of winning
Would be much, much better if
You were still alive

I can’t believe you
Fell for the oldest trick in
The book: paying tax

Keep Things Simple—a
Good acronym for this would

Your heart will be warmed
After it’s torn from your chest
And then microwaved

Terrifying, I
Know, but kittens made out of
Razor blades are here

Consider all of
Your options, including brain
In wombat body

The distant thunder
Warns of future strife and the
Soft rain says “you suck”

Poaching eggs is a
Simple recipe, and does
Not take master thieves

That headache is a
Sign that you should stop putting
Rockets in your ears

The ancients had a
Word for someone like you, and
That word was “lame-o”

The mice in your walls
Are fed up with hearing you
Clomp around all day

Breaking the fourth wall
Is a good way to lose your
Damage deposit

Your YouTube film will
Go viral and wipe out all
Life on the planet

Due to technical
Difficulties your future
Is cancelled this week

Don’t say “yo” so much
When applying to the bank
For a business loan

Goldilocks found your
Porridge too cold, so close down
Your crappy hostel

Be thankful for all
That you have—it will just take
You fifteen seconds

I foresee that Las
Vegas will be the start or
End of your problems

The beautiful thing
About friends is how they will
Accept all your lies

Perhaps your greatest
Accomplishment is making
Ice in the freezer

Try not to stress out
About the fact that nothing
You do can save Earth

PB and jam is
Old news—now it’s all about
PB and sadness

Eat so much sushi
That your stomach bursts—it is
The best way to go

No one will know you
Are an idiot if you
Keep nodding slowly

Now is the perfect
Time to invest heavily
In CthulhuCorp

Give it the college
Try and fail while drinking from
A football helmet

Your relationship
With that lead anchor will soon
Start dragging you down

Your snoring will get
Out of hand and awaken
The newly deceased

In the event of
An emergency, don’t call
Me, I will call you

You’ll feel the worst pain
Of your life this week after
You give birth to wolves

The dirtiest of
Your secrets—your mud fetish—
Has now been revealed

Listen, no matter
What happens this week, pretend
You are a rabbit

Don’t let others tell
You what laws of physics you
Can or must obey

Dogs know more than they
Are letting on – infiltrate
Their society

Your confidence in
Your ability to breathe
Air is off-putting

You yearn for simpler
Times, well before DNA
Evidence jailed you

Don’t worry about
That demon’s solemn vow of
Murderous revenge

What made you think that
You were fated to become
The next top model?

Let your family
Know you love them—after you
Kill them it’s too late

Red is your colour—
Good news considering your
New dress, and the blood

It’s concerning how
Many sci-fi premises
Are drawn from your life

You’ll discover a
Great passion for folk music
And being boring

This economy
Can’t support the weight of your
Hopes, wishes, and dreams

It’s slippery out
So be careful you don’t fall
Running from crime scenes

Time to stop lying
To everyone and admit
You killed JFK

Ring in the new year
At the greatest party that
Did not invite you

This year, don’t put up
A Christmas tree, just put up
With your damn in-laws

It’s possible that
You’ve traveled back in time, or
Need new calendars

If you want to keep
Your youthful energy make
Sure to never age

You need to be a
Better role model for that
Unevolved jelly

Your plan to destroy
The sun will require more than
A pregnant hamster

Take up an extreme
Sport that suits your lifestyle, like
Annoying strong dudes

Manowar wants you
To know they will die for their
Metal… wouldn’t you?

A red light district
Will open up in your spare
Room—just ignore it

Your homemade catdog,
An abomination, will
Win the science fair

You’ll soon land your dream
Job—gluing teeth into a
Jellyfish while nude

Lost on an island? 
Well, you can’t read this, so not
My demographic

“We are living in
The end times” — not a great way
To begin your date

It’s always sexy
When you slather yourself with
Raw eggs and feathers

A magician does
Not reveal his tricks—but a
Pimp certainly does

The joke’s on you—the
Chicken crossed the road to have
Sex with your lover

In the far future
Grandchildren will wonder why
You were such a dork

You don’t seem so tough
Now that you have had all of
Your muscles removed

If anything is
Certain in this life, it’s this:
Vampires behind you!

Buy a lottery
Ticket, and keep buying them
Until you have learned

Take a long nap to
Recharge your batteries, you
Stupid old robot

Imagine yourself
On a tropical island
With killer monkeys

All sleeping with the
Enemy accomplishes
Is spreading herpes

Take things as they come—
This advice will help you win
The eating contest

Flower power is
A nice thought but no way to
Power your roadster

Swatting dragonflies
Doesn’t make you a Dragon-
Slayer, just a jerk

Whether you like or
Hate dandelions, they will gain
Sentience this week

Soon you will be glad
That you got that degree in

Although your health care
May be free, that doesn’t mean
You can resell it

Teaching those wolves to
Dance was a fine use of your
Natural lifespan

Look, the love you take
Is not equal to the love
You make—so you’re fired

Shakespeare will rise from
The dead to collect all the
Royalties he’s due

Some geese just flew by
My window, an omen that
Foretells your demise

After a tidal
Wave destroys Hollywood, you
Will win your Oscar

“Flower Power” may
Not have been your best choice in
Superhero strengths

Your addiction to
“Air” will take over your life
And destroy your love

Do you need some more

Reasons to take your face out

Of that big anthill?

Keep the faith: trust that
One day a zombie Elvis
Shall lead us—through space!

You need a brand new
Wardrobe, one that includes a
Lion and a witch

If you keep working
At it, one day you’ll evolve
To learn of tool use

Would you put some pants
On before you perform that
Major surgery?

Take it from me: this
Ticking time bomb—come on! Take
It from me right now!

The best things in life
Are freely available
In exchange for cash

New shoes will allow
You to run with the speed of
One thousand fat slugs

Part of your daily
Workout in my fitness plan:
Running from jaguars

Some whiskey, a live
Wombat, and some more whiskey
Makes for a strange night

If you hadn’t named
Your dog “Master” the stares would
Have been avoided

The stars have named a
Star after you! Yes, it’s the
Worst present ever

As much as you want
To find true love, it wants much
More to hide from you

Don’t promise any
More than you can deliver
In the afterlife

Spruce up the office
With a mighty spruce tree that
You yearn to worship

You’ll cross a line this
Week when you cannibalize
Your lover’s elbow

Break out the champagne
Because the jury believes
Your sick, twisted lies

As your new neighbour
Mr. Rogers will drive you
Batshit with his song

There are worse things than
Hellfire, like hearing about
Hellfire all the time

Aquaman will call
Again this week — just ignore
Him and soon he’ll stop

Your psychic powers
Will once again utterly
Fail to manifest

You’ll have a whale of
A time if your name’s Jonah
And you’re a prophet

Your life is a rich
Tapestry in which each thread
Will unravel soon

Don’t stop thinking ’bout
Tomorrow or I will beat
The crap out of you

You’ll die as you lived
In close proximity to
A gun firing range

Your future is bright —
However, the light is from
An atomic bomb

Give up the dating
Scene and start reproducing

Justin Timberlake
Will continue to elude
Your best assassins

Try to express your
Thoughts in poetry if you
Would like them ignored

Let your decisions
Be guided by a man who
Is not wearing pants

Your film Bible 2:
Electric Boogaloo
Be a sleeper hit

Spend the cash for a
New wardrobe, one not made from
The skins of victims

Do your own thing — if
Others don’t like it, well that’s
Their own health problem

YouTube taught me to
Make coffee jell-o, proving
That it must be stopped

Try meeting some new
People — shake hands with all of
The babies you see

Your half-dog, half-cat
Hybrid is an affront to
God and Bob Barker

Your life has been a
Lie, but the good news is that
I thus win a bet

Later this week the
Pope will classify sex with
You as mortal sin

In the coming war
Between the Have-nots and the
Haves, play it neutral

With the world ending
Maybe you should take back those
Movies you rented

Quit starting all your
9-1-1 calls with the phrase
“Listen up, assholes”

Your rude boss is the
Least of your problems — focus
On your burning flesh

The magical gnomes
Who protect your sanity
Are going on strike

Bad news — you AREN’T nuts
Your dog IS talking to you
And IS from Neptune

It’s time to fight fire
With fire and start abducting
Some space aliens

David Cronenberg
Wants to be your new best friend
— This won’t turn out well

Take time to explore
Your neighbourhood — somewhere is
Mr. Roger’s gold

Your business plan for
A gas space-station is way
Ahead of its time

You picked the losing
Team in the battle of the
Fire demons and ants

You know what you must
Do to cash that cheque made out
To “Ball worshipper”

Tough economic
Times mean cutbacks, so I’m one
Syllable short

Will you rise to the
Challenge issued by that street
Gang of fighting fish?

Yes, that’s Stephen King
Following you and taking
Notes—your least worry

Prepare for battle
As Vikings will invade your
Workplace before long

I know doing the
Mashed potato seems harmless
But it will ruin you

Hiring yourself out
As a stud seemed fun before
The farmers called up

Your vampire flick where
He battles gangsters and eats
Donuts—it’s been done

Specializing in
Evil will open up a
Lot of doors for you

I’d like to see you
Criticize Walker, Texas
Ranger to Chuck’s face

The dog across the
Street will stop barking, but start
Doing theatre

A new iPhone app
Will turn your phone into a
Nuclear device

I’m starting to think
You’re not a werewolf after
All, just annoying

Not even Sherlock
Holmes can solve the mystery
Of your missing brain

Letting wild monkeys
Loose in your boss’s office:

A SWAT team will take
You down this week, but that’s the
Least of your worries

You will be transformed
By witchcraft into a pig
Then a tasty meal

Erecting billboards
That advertise themselves was
A brilliant concept

The devil you know
Is much better than that pain-
In-the-ass guy Bob

Protect yourself from
Bug bites by covering your
Body in feces

Your license to ill
Will arrive in the mail soon
— Do not abuse it

Stop being childish
And admit to yourself that
Unicorns are jerks

In a classic twist
You’ll discover that your bread
Is now a pretzel

You will be cursed to
Relive this week, over and
Over — so eat well

React extremely
To everything from now on
And build your mystique

You might want to block
This week from your memory
A while in advance

Would someone please heed
Jimmy Walker’s cries? Get the
Poor man dynamite!

You’ll feel hung out to
Dry after a stint serving
In the laundry wars

The cut-throat world of
Competitive throat-cutting
Ain't for the timid

You take recycling
Too far when serving dinner
Guests their own feces

Your reputation
Is on the line — keep quiet
About the moon base

The key to a long
Life is not to be found by
Robbing a locksmith

You’ll be awarded
The Nobel Prize, your crab cakes
Leading to world peace

Takes pains to avoid
Confrontation with the Beast-
Lord of Rigel-9

Avoid jumping to
Conclusions and releasing
The imprisoned ghouls

Keep on your toes — if
Your heel hits the ground once you
Will die horribly

Dude, you have to stop
Tossing boomerangs away
Over your shoulder

Consider yourself
On a collision course with

The mysteries of
The cosmos are revealed in
My tell-all bio

Imitation is
Flattery, but you should still
Prosecute that man

Don’t let obstacles
Stand in your way — that’s why you
Bought the sledgehammer

A single stitch in
The fabric of Time will save
You from later rifts

Aim for the stars, and
Then if you hit the moon, the
Earth will be destroyed

Keep your nose to the
Grindstone or I will devise
A much worse torture

The next time you make
Homemade wine, don’t use your own
Bodily fluids

Choosing to dine at
The “Green Lobster” might become
Your greatest mistake

Plan a trip to a
Place you’ve not yet been, like the
Land of Atlantis

After a bout of
The flu, this week you will cough
Up Paris Hilton

Make a strong statement
Without saying a word — I
Mean, of course, streaking

Tim “The Betrayer”
McGill will shock you with his
Betrayal this week

Learn how to play an
Instrument — some sort of sharp
Torture instrument

Your fatal mistake
Was wearing the Axe body
Spray made for pit bulls

You will always be
Haunted by that time that you
Summoned up those ghosts

Don’t brag too loudly
About your date with fashion
Magnate Melvin Klein

Everybody makes
Mistakes — but yours will be the
Ones to end the world

I know you like to
Drive Chevys, but stop feeding
Gas to Chevy Chase

You’ve taken too much
On your shoulders, and Atlas
Isn’t coming back

Two guys, twenty-four
Tacos, one toilet — the true
Mexican standoff

A picture’s worth a
Thousand words — sell all your fine
Art for short speeches

You’ll make more money
If you charge people to NOT
Receive a lapdance

You’d do well to find
A less hazardous job than
“Cobra Whisperer”

Your life will be changed
By the sudden appearance
Of Phil the Angel

You’re spontaneous —
Lots of fun to hang out with
But combustible

A penny saved will
Be a tremendous fortune

If you don’t eat that
Pudding, Bill Cosby will eat
Your immortal soul

Having those twenty
Burritos for breakfast was
A fatal mistake

“String Theory” is more
Complicated than your cat
Would have you believe

You’ll never make it
In Hollywood without first
Buying some kneepads

If you want to have
Meaningful relationships
Control your bladder

“Shakespeare in the Park”

Was fine, but you will fail with
“Shakespeare in the Dark”

Start wearing cowboy
Boots, then a cowboy hat, then
A cowboy-skin suit

That new-car smell will
Go well with your old-man-who-
Yearns-for-his-youth smell

It is now time for
“Operation Close Your Eyes
And Hope It Works Out”

Think of the children!
Stop using Spongebob Squarepants
To wash your dishes

A murder of crows?
This could bring Ace Ventura
Out of retirement

If only Homer
Had known the legend of how
You worked the night shift

Due to a voodoo
Curse, that cat has a magic
Hold over your tongue

Pornography will
Be there for you long after
Your lover is gone

Turn the other cheek:
I didn’t pay ten bucks to
Spank half of your ass

You need to be more
Creative, axe murdering
Is just so cliché

Do not wear your high
Heels and your red dress to the
Running of the bulls

You’ll accomplish all
Your goals this week! The rest of
Your life is pointless.

The monument to
Honour the passing of your
Gallstones needs more thought

You will never come
To understand the white whale
—The world is chaos

Before you ask your
Boss for a raise out of the
Pit of wolves, flatter

After a feud with
Bruce Lee, Norris used his dark
Arts to steal Lee’s soul

That elephant will
Never let you forget how
You shot his tail off

You’ll never improve
Your banjo skills without a
Human sacrifice

Though you pride yourself
On being a good host, get
That tapeworm removed

It seems you were dead
Wrong about the zombies. They
Just wanted some hats.

Something about that
Beaver is suspicious – he
Just seems too eager

Make all of the jokes
About beavers you want, they’ll
Still conquer the Earth

The meek are set to
Inherit the earth, unless
We do something NOW

This week, you’ll want a
Sandwich. I vow, till my death
You’ll never get it

Trust me—marking your
Ass with this firebrand hurts me
More than it hurts you

Your dreams will come true—
A rat will turn to glass and
Three swans will eat Carl

You know what’s even
Better than make-up sex? That’s
Right—it’s mermaid sex!

Your beauty shines forth
Like the light of a thousand
Suns—hearts become ash

Your fame grows this week
After an altercation
With a horny wolf

Don’t refill your meds—
What does your doctor know that
Tom Cruise doesn’t know?

That fake wig of yours
Looks so good no one will know
It’s made of back hair

Your indecision
Will be the death of you—call
The damn hospital!

Working the night shift
Really sucks ass when you are
A vampire hunter

Remember what your
Mom taught you: always share. Give
That man your needle

Perhaps you are right
To be nervous marrying
That plastic lawn gnome

Do not worry, the
Surgery will go fine. You
Want two noses, right?

You stand out in a
Crowd. Then again, most crazy
Gunmen do the same.

The ultimate goal
Of all science: to create
An all-clone orgy

You can’t just jam those
Skeletons in your closet
We have health codes here

Look, Jesus just rose
From the dead. Give him a break
From your petty shit.

Your back problems stem
From the amount of time that
You spend on your back

The economy
Won’t recover until you
Stop feeding it beer

It sounds strange, but you
Must massage Scorpios or
Suffer a dire fate

Yes, that wolverine
Is stalking you. But he just
Wants an autograph.

Fill your heart with love,
Your life with laughter, and your
Enemies with lead

You don’t need drugs when
You can just think about the
Platypus. Try it.

If you love something
Set it free, but then use mind
Games to guilt it back

No one cares about
The Sasquatch any more—you’ll
Find him on Skid Row

Take good care of your
Plants, water that cactus at
Least two times a day

Poor Odin. No one
Believes in you any more.
Maybe wear a hat?

Hey baby—you want
To go for a ride on my
Jaguar? That’s right, “on”

Murderous robots,
Not children, are the future—
Invest in SkyNet

Quoting The Simpsons
Is falling out of style, and
Soon your world will end

You spent your childhood
Eating worms, and your adult
Years eating fast food

That Dolemite gets
The girls… what? I don’t know, go
Read the stars yourself

You’ll receive many
Death threats; so, nothing new to
Report on this week

Canada’s wildlife
Needs your protection, not your
Leftover Fritos

Christmas comes but once
A year, but the credit card
Bills will come each month

Parlay your cocaine
Addiction into a fine
Career in stealing

“What’s your sign?” You will
Pick up exactly no one
With that opener

There are a lot of
Reasons why you will never
Join the Jackson 5

The beef ban’s still on
You just can’t give away those
Hot beef injections

The upswing is that
Without arms you’ll stop losing
Money arm wrestling

Don’t be embarrassed
To ask questions about how
To use the strap-on

You’ve perfected the
“Cool guitarist” pose—now start
Learning how to play

You’ve got to learn to
Live with those false memories
Implanted in you

This week, I advise
You to sign any paper
I present to you

The dog didn’t have
Rabies, so relax; though it
Did have leprosy

Red light cameras
Will never catch you if you
Drive on the sidewalk

Get some golfing in–
As for me, I’ll satisfy
My desire to kill

Beware the Psycho
Hosebeast, for it takes on to
Itself many forms

We must put an end
To racism! Now that I’ve
Said that, things are fine

That monkey on your
Back rules your life—where can I
Get such a monkey?

Ask what you can do
For your country—or was it
“Ask about the soup?”

Floral arranging
Has never been a manly
Sport, but times will change

Swallow your pride and
Admit that you need some help
Fending off the bear

A few fish are just
The thing to spruce up your car
With that “new fish” smell

You will succeed in
Your holy quest to find a
Trade route to Wal-mart

If only you had
Heeded the gypsy’s warnings
And brought extra socks

Just take it one day
At a time until you get
Across the border

While soul searching this
Week you will discover that
You are a robot

There are not enough
Crosses in your video
For “Gangsta Killin”

Be certain to use
That perogy recipe
For good, not evil

The tiger is a
Mighty beast. So why don't you
Poke it with this stick?

Only Estevez
Can lead your road hockey team
To the Stanley Cup

If anything is
Better than sushi, I’ll eat
My hat. Hmm, maybe…

Cow-Hating Pig sez:
“Beef is the new ham—eat up!”
Who’s gonna argue?

You will never know
True love unless you peruse
Its online “faves” list

Nothing makes more sense
Than turning piles of garbage
Into city parks

This week you will cave
In and finally buy that
The Darkness CD

Someone is in the
Kitchen with Dinah—that’s right
She’s cheating on you

The days are getting
Warmer, and you’ll get sick of
Hearing about it

That atmospheric
Hole and that hole in Britney’s
Face—dear God, close them

So you want a good
Stiff drink—might I suggest a
Drink made of liquid?

Lao Tse has taught us
Much, but took his recipe
For tarts to the grave

You seem tough on the
Outside, but inside you’re just
Some meat and fluids

It takes a village
To raise one child, well, feed one
Alien baby

A bit more tinfoil
And your helmet will keep out
Any hope of sex

Put your degree to
Work, it can hold your place in
That porn magazine

Spoiled kids—when I was
Young we had no “Internet”
Just video games

Make the best of things
Raise that dingo like you would
Have raised your own child

Though you have led an
Honest life, your pants will still
Catch on fire this week

Love comes and love goes,
And now you’ve missed your bus. Well,
Don’t blame me for that.

All you can do is
Your best, and if that’s not good
Enough, you’re the worst

Put on a happy
Face! This will put your would-be
Victims more at ease

Fortune smiles upon
You this week—trying cashing those
Smiles at the bank, Jack

The secret’s out—the
Reason Stonehenge was built was
Just to annoy you

You need a better
Superpower to fight crime
Than “Cry-on-Command”

Keep it real this week
No more fraternizing with
Those elfish soldiers

A good Christmas gift
Would be matching track suits for
You and that street bum

Peacocks are noble
Which helps to distinguish them
From your small penis

Credit where credit
Is due. I said, give me your
Credit card, moron!

They say diamonds are
Forever, but they don’t tell
You that they’re vampires

Free your mind, man — If
You don't, its terrorist friends
Won't be too happy

This week will be full
Of surprises! They are: dumped,
Team loss, rash, lightning

This week, head into
The belly of the beast to
Find those lost car keys

You’ll have a Slurpee
This week – is there anything
More you need to know?

Hunter S. Thompson
Will burst through your window with
A knife; act surprised

Your future involves
Some guy named Ronald, a mop
And some tasty fries

Everybody knows
You’re not Leonard Cohen, just
Stop talking like that

All I know is I
Wouldn’t want to eat something
That is called rump roast

Lord Penguin-5, the
Emperor of Mars, demands
You trim his mullet

Before I tell you
Your future you are required
To sign this waiver

Don’t count your chickens
Before they hatch sinister
Plans to dethrone you

Just relax this week
Things will go as easy as
Madonna herself

The fire in your heart
Will burn ever brighter as
The plumber bends down

There is a silver
Lining to every cloud, so
Help me rob some clouds

Don’t fall for the old
“I’m trapped inside a burning
House and need help” trick

Now is your time to
Shine after being exposed
To radiation

You took the blue pill
Now you will never know what
Happened to that sock

The CD you buy
This week will survive both you
And your grandchildren

When you look at it
That way, swimming really IS
The work of Satan

Invest in JECO
That’s Jon’s Evil Criminal

Nothing is quite as
Romantic as proposing
Astride a jet ski

There’s no turning back
It was already too late
When you bought the porn

That banana in
Your pocket assures you a
Special place in Hell

You can’t buy love but
You can rent my services
For a buck an hour

Calling your dog “bad”
Will just cause him to plot your
Untimely demise

You’ve known each other
Long enough — time to propose
To the PS3

Some things you’ll never
Understand, like why no one
Bought your used liver

Drinking pickle brine
Sounds a lot more disgusting
Than it really is

Perhaps a cubist
Representation of your
Penis is too much

You feel bulletproof
But that’s just because you’ve been
Drinking eighty proof

Next time you order
A mudslide be prepared for
The consequences

The great thing about
Porno is that it raises
More than your spirits

Though you may not be
Much of a looker you are
A mighty fine thief

The best way to say
You care is by not turning
Me in to the cops

Break that bad habit
Of killing baby seals while
Worshipping Satan

It is getting hot
In here — I think that you know
What needs to be done

You’ve got to fight for
Your rights to party and to
Rip off song lyrics

Your abduction by
Aliens will not be done
For science but sex

Before you join a
Cult check their policies on
Castrating members

Now that you have a
Hammock get a gorilla
Suit and don’t ask why

Your lover pines for
You in your absence — wise choice
Marrying that tree

Forget flies — a nice
Millipede is the perfect
Gift for a cruel child

Your house may have its
Politics but it does not
Have partisan rats

Hemp hats are stylish
If the look you are after
Is “dirty hippie”

It’s time to build new
Relationships instead of
Tearing down old barns

Look for the silver
Lining — you haven’t lost your
Mind but gained madness

The jig is up now
Figure out what a “jig” is
And take precautions

There may be worse plans
Than growing a goatee, but
I have not heard them

No one knows how much
Love you put into baking
Those arsenic pies

Though you howl in rage
You will not get served your fast
Food any quicker

Resistance may be
Futile but it can be a
Good way to meet girls

You will lose your mind
While in Detroit, as the great
Prophets have foretold

Nothing is quite as
Clever as when someone says
“That’s some gouda cheese”

Nothing you say will
Convince the mad dog that you
Are not a nice steak

People laughed at your
Strange plan, but they’re not laughing
Now that you are dead

Just buy a hemp hat
The hippies won’t care about
The porkchop tattoo

Sick of summer films?
Help me make a few movies
In my own bedroom

One more slip up and
You’ll be getting demoted
To assistant pimp

It’s about time that
They offered some courses in
Making that mad cash

Only seven days
Until you realize that
You wasted the week

Though he may look good
The alien from Saturn
Is just not your type

Your genius will not
Be realized until you
Sell the evil car

Though the couch looks soft
It has many tales to tell
About Vietnam

If there is a goose
Walking over your grave you
Should demand answers

Ponytails are out
Taking fashion advice from
Horoscopes is in

Dogs piss on hydrants
Take off the hydrant costume

Parking lots are a
Great place to write your next car
Alarm symphony

Don’t trust the walrus
He may talk the talk but he
Does not walk the walk

Time to buy a watch
And stop asking me questions
That’s what time it is

Don’t leave home without
Your lucky rabbit foot or
The cash you owe me

Mix the bang in with
The boogie until it jumps
Up, and then repeat

Pennies from Heaven
Falling to the Earth means you
Must stop taking drugs

Date rock musicians
They are sensitive artists
With great big, um, hair

Starve a cold, but feed
The mutant poinsettia that
Lives under the bed

A camera will catch
You wearing the taco hat
Goodbye dignity

Your attempt to wed
The worlds of art and wombats
Will destroy your mind

While you understand
That the movies are not real
You still fear the Borg

You will buy a car
That runs on sex, but your wife
Will not let you drive

Stop drinking the paint
Quit trying to sell your spleen
You need it to live

About Our Practice

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Contact Info

12345 West Elm Street

Phone: 1.888.456.7890

Fax: 1.888.654.9876

Web: Buy Avada Today!