Scorpio 2018-05-04T09:31:16+00:00

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Demand more from your
Employees, beginning with
Their actual names

A subliminal
Message in this horoscope
And now you are mine

Breaking away from
Tradition, you will say what
Happened in Vegas

No one will take you
Seriously until you
Complete clown college

Don’t worry about
Things that you cannot change, like
Your hairstyle and clothes

Everyone’s a bit
Psychic—by which I mean deep
Down we’re all liars

Acknowledge failures—
It’s the only way you will
Succeed at losing

If “Hell is other
People” you’ll be featured in
Many a torment

What would help your self-
Esteem the most is simply
Being less stupid

The tides will turn and
You will find yourself married
To a dead mermaid

Your “ginger chicken”
Recipe calls for far too
Much human-child hair

Your Viking-metal
Band can play well, but needs to
Practice pillaging

One of these days you
Will be forced to pay for your
Crimes against yogurt

Your lust cannot be
Contained any longer—please
Leave the coffee shop

You’re taking a cute
Fascination with wombats
Into dark places

Your mind-bullets will
Once again fail to have all
The desired impact

Google “vampires” and
“terrorist rabbits” if you
Want to learn the truth

Oh, Scorpio—when
Will you learn that polar bears
And fire ants don’t mix?

The best way to eat
Scorpios is to boil them
With garlic and chives

Take it easy and
Get some sun by harnessing
Helios’ steeds

The kids all think that
Santa is dead now, so you
Can keep the presents

Take it slow—some good
Advice normally, but not
In the final lap

The only thing you
Have to worry about next
Year: endless torment

You stress too much—just
Relax and let your bowels
Do what they will do

It’s clear now that you
Shouldn’t have thrown your baby
Out with that water

Your poetry that
Concerns daily life as a
Porn star is your best

All will make sense when
You discover you’re the god
Of Failure and Cats

Your contract’s expired
So don’t kill before you can
Renegotiate

There are holes in your
Theories about black holes—some
Very large ones too

No one will believe
Your wild story about how
You saw a squirrel

Your standards are too
High—that zombie’s almost all
You want in a man

Does hitting golf balls
Relax you? You sicken me
With your thuggery

Your plan to hold a
Rock concert on the moon is
NOT impractical!

Eat nothing but soup
From now on—I’ve invested
In a soup diner

It turns out you are
The reincarnation of
Some lame unknown dude

I don’t know how you
Swallowed that live monkey whole
But it wasn’t smart

It’s disappointing
To learn that you don’t believe
In psychic bullshit

Now that FolkFest is
Long, long over, you have to
Put your clothes back on

When you get some time
To yourself, remember to
Stem the flowing blood

I wouldn’t worry
About the forthcoming death
Of the entire world

Worlds will collide this
Week when the planet Saturn
Freaks out on Neptune

If you keep putting
Air quotes around your orders
You’ll confuse the dog

All your erotic
Adventures will come to an
End when you wake up

A change is coming—
Let’s all hope that it’s a change
Of your old diaper

The waking nightmare
Of your life is getting some
Nicer flowerpots

You are a good role
Model for that un-evolved
Jelly-like substance

It’s hard to give you
Good advice when you just won’t
Stop stabbing yourself

You can increase your
Productivity by just
Ignoring your boss

A roller-skating
Cow will show you the error
Of your ways this week

You’re in trouble—for
Some reason Batman thinks that
You broke his window

If you answered “die”
To the zombie-quiz question
Then you are correct

Although defeating
Giant, magical squids sounds
Impressive, it’s not

You’ll value sleep more
After Danzig purchases
The house that’s next door

I need a break from
Your incessant demands to
Regain your freedom

Brush your teeth at least
Twice a day to kill all the
Invisible spies

Don’t worry about
The crows massing outside your
Window ’til Tuesday

You’ll lose a lot of
Fans with that new single called
“Fans = Losers”

What I predicted
Last week didn’t occur? You
Don’t say… no refunds!

The only thing free
In this life is my advice—
Lucky, lucky you

Hollywood will come
Knocking when you become known
For stupid stories

God will wield all His
Mighty power to prevent
You from getting laid

Stop to think about
Someone else for a change, like
The dark lord Sauron

Your novel, at long
Last, will be accepted—by
The garbage woman

If at first you don’t
Succeed, they will charge you with
Attempted murder

The wolves who live in
Your spare room just need a bit
Of space—for killing

I think McDonald’s
May be fattening you up
So they can eat you

Your true calling is
A life of failure as a
Lousy magician

For the last time — no
Hooker is going to start
Up a tab for you

It’s time that you hired
Diddy as your financial
Advisor and coach

Why, that innocent
Dog is just an innocent
Dog! Just believe me!

Apologies are
Needed if you want to stay
Friends with the demon

Everybody will
Agree on one thing: you are
Guilty of the crimes

Spend less time watching
TV and more time planning
To blow up the moon

Soon you will begin
A long trip, or a short trip,
Or maybe stay home

It turns out the show
Real World WAS the real world, and
This is the Matrix

If you cannot say
Something nice then don’t bother
To exhale at all

Soup up your golf cart
If you really want a way
To impress ladies

Shortly you will be
Made ambassador to the
Land of Make-Believe

A jet of blood is
Not your ideal choice for a
Continental flight

The ugly truth is
That you’ll slowly transform to
A large barnacle

Your horse will come in
This week — not at the track but
Second in the polls

You’ll get beat up by
Daniel Radcliffe this week — do
Not tell anyone

Smoked fish is tasty
But dipping cigarettes in
Fish oil is just gross

Everybody has
Problems, but yours include an
Awful lot of wolves

Sometimes you have to
Make sacrifices, like when
The gods demand them

Freud’s zombie will rise
And show even more of an
Interest in brains

If you only teach
Your pony one trick teach it
How to turn some tricks

Unexpected love
Blossoms when you meet with the
Wino of your dreams

Aim higher if you
Want to accomplish your goal
To destroy the sun

If you see sparrows
Massing in your backyard, leave
Them be — it’s all cool

Your best friend will turn
Into your worst enemy
Once they learn your name

Brushing your teeth for
Once is a good way to start
Off a love affair

Revamp your image!
Start with your hair, get a cut
From that Sweeney Todd

“Coke Terror” will make
Its debut as a soft drink
This week — don’t try it!

Remember, safety’s
First, and ninja star battles
Are a close second

If you didn’t want
Semen everywhere you should
Not have pimped your ride

Beware rectangles —
One of them has made plans to
Drive you to madness

Apple’s new “iCrack”
Is a great improvement on
Old, outdated crack

The dreams of many
And the dreams of the few come
Together through porn

Predicting what you
Are going to do will not
Win me any friends

Be less pushy, and
Stop pushing people into
Traffic all the time

If at first you don’t
Succeed, you might as well give
Up on eating grapes

According to new
Laws, you are the pet and that
Dog is your owner

You’ll gain the power
To turn invisible when
Hotties look at you

You’ll be bankrupted
After you decide to farm
Passenger pigeons

You will find yourself
Knighted this week, for service
To the crown jewels

Hybrid cars are a
Good investment, but not half-
Lizard half-plant cars

Any video
Game in which you fight moms who
Turn off games will sell

Trust your instincts—it
Does seem odd that your lover
Demands cash for sex

If you don’t want your
In-laws visiting, call the
Guest room your “kill room”

Kafka called, and he
Wants his crippling sense of life’s
Futility back

It seems unicorns
ARE real, and they’re not happy
With the smack you’ve talked

Here’s an idea:
Why don’t you vote for the guy
With the best haircut

Think big—like a moose
Maybe even a whale or
A whale on some stilts

The Muppets Do Porn
Is a misguided but fun
Series addition

The parade in your
Honour is only going
Down dark alleyways

Take control of your
Life by stealing the remote
From your overlord

“The Happy Puppies”
Just doesn’t scream “metal” to
Me—maybe I’m wrong

Naming all your pets
“Lunch” has been disconcerting
For all your houseguests

You are getting too
Lazy, but I just can’t be
Bothered to help you

Tom Cruise needs your help—
Destroy Libras, they hold back
Scientology

Now you’ll learn the truth
That grain silos are really
Just full of themselves

You will meet your soul
Mate this week—it’s just too bad
You gave up your soul

Admitting that you’re
Addicted to love is the
First step—stop singing!

Save money on gas
By instead clinging to the
Undersides of cars

The moon, when combined
With the water element,
Means nothing at all

Prepare your mind and
Fortify your defenses —
The slow-ninjas come

This week will be one
Hollywood ending after
Another, so run

Take some time to make
Home improvements — finally
Getting a roof, say

Building a moat will
Both keep out your foes and raise
Property value

You want people to
Stop calling you “meathead”? Take
The meat off your head!

“The Pizza Pie With
The Poison Inside” is not
The motto you seek

This week you will be
Unplugged from the Matrix, and
Quite disappointed

You’ll learn dinosaurs
Truly are a ‘trick’ from God —
From a lying God

The knowledge of how
To ignore my advice could
One day save your life

By now you should know
Not to put your life in the
Hands of Master Shake

Let everyone know
Where you stand, on the edge of
A pirate gangplank

After a lifetime
Of doubt, you will soon see the
Snuffleupagus

It’s bad to place bets
This week, unless you’re betting
On losing your bets

By now it’s clear the
Internet won’t keep all those
Promises it made

Homicidal or
Not, that big bad wolf gives one
Hell of a blowjob

Apologize to
Those you’ve wronged while under the
Influence of rugs

Re-gift that red shirt
You received for your birthday
From William Shatner

You did well to quit
Smoking cold turkey, now quit
Smoking cigarettes

When will you learn not
To run with scissors while in
A haunted glass house?

Your love of cycling
Will grow so vast, it will cause
You to reject God

You hold the key to
Your lover’s heart — so come on
And sell me that heart

You make a good point,
But you’ll still catch more flies with
Corpses than honey

“Live and let live” is

A nice thought, but won't get you

Far as a butcher

Take stock of your life
Then go public with that stock
In a killer scam

Facebook’s newest app,
“Waste Your Damn Life on Facebook,”
Will prove popular

A poisoned apple
Every day will keep Snow White
Asleep forever

Your book entitled
“Sharks, Lasers, and Deleuze” will
Find its audience

Do not consider
It “identity theft” but
Rather “flattery”

You have a problem
If your wedding registry’s
At a coke dealer’s

Maybe you like it
Rough, but a sandpaper bed
Is going too far

The angels watching
Over you recently went
On a labour strike

Nuclear war will
Begin over something you
Said when you were drunk

Put that telescope
Away! The stars will destroy
You good, Peeping Tom!

Say it with diamonds —
You will postpone the marriage
As long as you can

This week you’ll win a
Dinner date with Beckett, which
Will be quite awkward

Feeding your tapeworm
Radioactive tacos
Must be worth a shot

You will find yourself
In Hog Heaven, after a
Paperwork mix-up

Your pyramid scheme
Depends too much on the whims
Of Tutankhamen

Tonight there’s gonna
Be a jailbreak — and it will
Have a great soundtrack

“Give up, Megatron!
My dogs are barking!” Thus speaks
The glorious Phil

It’s time to sink or
Swim — but either way you will
Be declared a witch

You will be sweating
Bullets this week — I advise
Seeing a doctor

Your recipe for
“Corn on the Rob” will win the
Cannibal cook-off

Your touching story
About a boy becoming
A young man lacks snakes

This dog polisher
Was once owned by Steve Martin
Make me an offer

Simply put, you’re a
Born troublemaker — stay out
Of the Middle East

Though you like short-shorts
Writing a song about them
Is a little much

Nothing will shock you
After your body has been
Coated in rubber

Make sure that your life
Insurance is paid up — just
Some friendly advice

There are too many
People named “Zach” in the world —
Eliminate three

As long as you do
Not give up, one day you will
Breed a true cat-fish

Hiring that cockroach
As your booking agent will
Pay off in the end

You shouldn’t have signed
That permission form for the
Slaughterhouse school trip

I don’t think that axe
Murdering is considered
To be a “hobby”

Just trust me, you will
Know when the Rita MacNeil
Concert is over

Take heart – the waiting
Is the hardest part. Though the
Hanging won’t be fun.

You’ll soon learn people
Who live in glass houses should
Not throw wild orgies

That blue suit looks good
On you – do not take it off,
Under pain of death

You need to cut down
On your stress. To begin, stop
Robbing doughnut shops.

You should have saved your
Honey sex games until you
Were out of the woods

These leeches will get
The bad blood out, while these ones
Will do your taxes

I know you think that
Smoking weed is cool, but man,
Those are dandelions

Your Siamese twin
Is plotting against you—be
The one to strike first

This minute, Norris
Is fighting off a full-scale
Martian invasion

Wherever you plan
To put that pineapple, I
Don’t want to help out

Wash your hands – you know
What happened to those critters
From War of the Worlds

Your emotional
Walls will be breached by the love
Of great Genghis Khan

Hey, how’s the hotcakes
Business going? Really? I
Would never have guessed.

Yeah, it’s a dead rat.
It’s also magical. Now
Start your worshipping.

This week you’ll open
A can of worms—no thanks, I’m
Fine with my salad

No more excuses—
This week we’ll see whose robot
Godzilla is King

A conspiracy
Threatens your life. Whatever
You do, don’t call me

You have to roll with
The punches sometimes. Other
Times, absorb the kicks

Your face and your Web
Site will both score their thousandth
Hit later this week

Take some time from your
Day to think of all the things
You’re thankful you killed

Once again, Greenpeace
Will foil your plans to have your
Revenge on the whale

Bad news for your spleen
This week—its subscription to
Spleen Weekly ran out

I’m not saying your
Rat isn’t “God,” just that he
Is not invited

There can only be
One winner in the human
Race—and it’s not you

“Return of the rat!
Return of the rat!” Get the
Fuck out of my head

You should have planned the
Orgy better—really, why
Did you serve chili?

For your great crimes of
Software piracy, you will
Be fed to the sharks

Smoking crack may be
Bad for you, but it’s better
Than smoking ass crack

That all-you-can-eat
Cheeseburger buffet is a
Lawsuit-in-waiting

You have friends in high
Places — quick, get the ladder
Out of the garage

Time will tell whether
You were wise to duct tape that
Weasel to your ass

Hey, let me see the
Sasquatch tape again. Yeah, look—
Osama’s in back!

“Forget it Jake. It’s
Chinatown.” What film was that
From again? Gigli?

This week the stars want
You to try to figure out
Your own shit for once

You should try to quit
Smoking—I suggest the stop
Drop and roll method

Don’t worry, I hooked
You up, Scorpio. Just take
It easy this week.

Yes, I’d love to hear
Your horoscope ideas.
This? Oh, just a gun.

Don’t you fret, not ALL
Men are lecherous asses.
Oh, he died? Then fret.

You need some trepan
Surgery just like you need
A hole in the head

If you’d just stop with
The castration more people
Would join your death cult

You’re living the rock
Star life now: whiskey, coke, and
A sad, sad handjob

After a strange night
You’ll wake up next to one of
Dzama’s tree creatures

You’ve got a hot bod—
If only beauty mattered
In society…

Getting drunk off of
Wine gums—you’re a poor excuse
For a derelict

“Rosebud”—your whispered
Final words will launch a whole
Chocolate empire

You must give your life
Purpose; dedicate yourself
To betting on dogs

According to the
Latest statistics, Snoop Dogg
Has had sex with you

You’ll give birth to the
Antichrist soon, but well, you
Know, someone had to

Your mad ravings are
Catching on—you should record
An album to sell

As a witness, you
Will be relocated to
The cemetery

Would you stop being
Selfish? Think about me for
A change. Always me.

Please, saying “whatev”
Is so two thousand and four
We're down to just “ev”

It will be your time
Of the month soon — arm yourself
Against bear attacks

I’ve been reading the
Stars for a while, so believe
That your name’s Dennis

Money won’t solve your
Problems, it’ll just cover
Them in gold lame

Don’t turn your back on
Anyone this week, just slide
Sideways on the walls

Bite the bullet and
Accept the fact you're not good
At Russian Roulette

You need new glasses
Then you will see that you are
Not the Son of God

Cheer up! It’s not like
You get a knife stabbed into
Your heart every week

Three razor blades aren’t
Enough for you, no, you have
To have four. Greedy.

Your collection of
Sex toys is both astounding
And quite unnerving

This week you will gain
Favour as a plaything of
The cruel Wolf Gods

Don’t give up hope, but
Lower your expectations
From “world peace” to “steak”

A few small changes
And that novel you’re writing
Could become good porn

If the canary
Dies, get out of there and get
Yourself a breath mint

There’s something magic
About your smile and the way
Rabbits leap from it

There are two kinds of
People in this world, those who
Hate you and then you

It is all going
To the dogs this week, since you
Named them in your will

The sign says “don’t walk”
But it’s a temporary
Command. Keep your legs.

Cold feet? Try breathing
Exercises to calm down
Then try firewalking

I know that teddy
Bear looks innocent, but he
Watches you undress

History’s greatest
Poets agreed on one thing:
Love is ass sometimes

Bottle that rage up
Now market it — I think as
A soft drink would work

Wolverines make great
Pets, don’t pay attention to
That group of experts

Hey, I lost a black
Widow spider in your house
If it turns up, call

If “It’s Raining Men”
Doesn’t sell parachutes, then
I don’t know what will

If elected, I
Promise to wage brutal war
And expand the realm

Your strong devotion
To your country is surpassed
Only by all else

When I said “Bring more
Rocket fuel” you ignored me
Look where that got you

The price of fame? Your
SOUL!!! Also, that ham sandwich.
Take some time to think.

Fear Factor Challenge:
Talk to Joe Rogan about
His innermost thoughts

Make sure to spend your
Newfound money wisely—I
Suggest chocolate

Your film idea
Where the two characters are
The same person? Fresh

How low can you go?
Search your soul to discover
Your true limbo skill

In this new age of
Prosperity and growth, who
Are you to hate Bush?

You’ll wake up to find
You have changed into some sort
Of bug: call in sick

Spend many years on
Perfecting your art before
Making zombie films

You’re in luck—some guy
From Zaire needs you to hold
On to his money

Don’t let life pass you
By–in fact, as life passes
By snap its undies

Sometimes you just have
To lay back and let loose, and
Just flood the whole town

There exist few things
So inherently cruel
As chocolate soap

It’s time that you did
Something about that wombat
Who owes you money

This is a good week
To alienate others
But what week isn’t?

The ballet requires
Discipline—and funny shoes
Get a load of those!

Computers will foil
Your attempts to submit your
Haiku Horoscopes

Life as you know it
Will change dramatically this
Week with a haircut

Beware icy roads
And the iciness of her
Barren, dying heart

You should have baked more
Pies last year, but now it’s too
Late—you are disgraced

Nuggets are now made
With white meat—a pleasant change
From yellow rat meat

As a wise pimp once
Said: You can’t win them all, but
You can smoke some crack

A stranger with some
Candy? Sounds like good clean fun
To me. Why, thank you!

Always bargain. Some
Mechanics might throw in free
Lube jobs. So might whores

Company will drop
In unexpectedly while
You’re in bondage gear

That poem about
Your soul’s dark darkness is your
Most original

You’ll have to pry my
Lava lamp from my cold, dead
Groovy fingers, man

Perseverance is
Key; one of these days you will
Catch that Tweety bird

A pet pig is a
Good investment — it provides
Both love and bacon

Sometimes you’ve got to
Sit back, relax, and let the
Zombies have their way

Never say “die”: for
The moment you do, Pee-Wee
Will freak the f—k out

An old mariner
Will tell you his dark tale of
Incontinent woe

Make a decision
You can’t be both holier
And more punk than thou

Don’t take crap this week
In fact, get upset and go
Crazy this instant

The stars aren’t drunk—how
Dare you suggest that the one
Time with the bear, ha!

In the grand scheme of
Things, does it really matter
What happens this week?

The way your smile lights
Up a room will be studied
By concerned experts

I know I make a
Lot of jokes at your expense
Umm… that’s all. Screw off.

An interest in
History begins when you
Are called the town bike

Sorry to say, but
Those kittens and that yarn are
Just not rock and roll

It may comfort you
To learn you will die in a
Hilarious way

You might want to think
About saying the word “yo”
More often this week

Don’t be afraid to
Make mistakes; you can always
Bury the bodies

You will find fame through
This summer’s Faces of Death
Compilation tape

Getting in touch with
Your feminine side does not
Mean groping yourself

Go hiking, but make
Sure to wear bells so that bears
Know where to find you

Those fragrant lilacs
Are just the thing to spruce up
Your torture chamber

Marilyn Manson
Has come up with another
New way to hate you

Acupuncture is
A possible solution
To your cash problem

This week you will learn
More than you wanted to know
About grizzly bears

You’ve got a mind like
A sponge, that ratty sponge that
No one claims to own

It is okay to
Admit you need help if you
Burn the evidence

Human pyramids:
Their purpose may never be
Fully discovered

The sun is shining
The weatherman’s prophecy
Has now come to pass

Don’t worry your head
About Iraq — they freed that
Four trillion in oil

The stars can’t unner
Stan wha yer wit-cha wit-chen
Siz-ay-an-nay-ing!

Shoes, ships, sealing wax—
This is going to be one
Boring discussion

The love that you have
For crossing the street this week
Will go unfulfilled

Fortune smiles on you
But that’s because it wants to
Borrow some money

I think that it was
Dostoevsky who spoke with
Such grand insight: “AAAYY!”

If you don’t give up
All your basic freedoms then
The terrorists win

A fire a day keeps
The sane people away from
Your unicorn horn

Get your mind out of
The gutter — you don’t want those
Big rats to get it!

Perhaps the best way
To control your thirst is through
An implanted chip

I doubt random acts
Of Satan are covered by
Your insurance plan

Video games are
A great way to waste your life
And all your money

You're going to have
To study hard to pass that
Exam on hardness

Your singing is bad
But it’s not quite bad enough
To get on TV

Your reign of terror
In the yard will end with the
Advent of fire ants

Whoever said dogs
Were man’s best friends did not know
About their dark plot

I’m so hungry I
Could break into your house and
Eat all of your food

Complaining that your
Horoscope is mean can be
Counterproductive

Take one last look at
Your cell phone before I smash
It into your face

Go bird watching this
Week — be on the look out for
Sinister parrots

Don’t stop the world to
Get off, the rest of us will
Be thrown into space

You know what they say
Unlucky at love, lucky
At stripping card games

With some coaxing and
Some alcohol, you submit
To a white glove test

When Chris Walken bursts
Through the door and throws you a
Gun, don’t ask questions

Lower your standards
You won’t find an apartment
That comes with hot girls

What the Hell is a
Capricorn supposed to be
Anyway? You suck.

Look on the bright side
At least they plan to name the
Disease after you

You have the strength of
Ten men, those guys you hired from
The moving business

Your words will come back
To haunt you and to pick up
That CD they left

Your U of Yemen
Degree in Graphic Design
Is just a hindrance

We are all out of
Liberty but you can have
Your second choice free

Keep your eyes open
For opportunities to
Get hit in the eyes

Is Capricorn a
Kind of corn that you can grow?
I always wonder

Though they are houses
For the dead, you still believe
Pyramids can heal

Your madness results
From an early incident
In which you went mad

Once you pop the top
Hope will be lost for the few
Remaining diet plans

Here is a quarter
I imagine that you must
Know the drill by now

Elephants and chairs
Are a sure recipe for
Tea hour disaster

Laugh and the world laughs
Cry and the world will excuse
Itself awkwardly

You speak poetry
All your vocal chords will be
Severed by critics

Shake the feeling that
People are laughing at you
Drop out of clown school

No more compromise
This time it’s either you or
The dog with the wheels

Cameras do not lie
Quit interrogating and
Torturing the thing

Some say “potato”
Others say you will never
Find true love again

Lock horns with success
Get yourself a bikini
And a record deal

In the future the
Stars reveal their mysteries
But today they sleep

Play the lottery
It’s the only way you’ll learn
That you’re not lucky

Don’t run the red light
If you do there’s no way that
You will get a whore

Steer clear of fried food
Even more importantly
Steer clear of big trees

Puppets lie to you
Their hearts are hard and wooden
Don’t fall for their tricks

Aliens are out
To get your cappuccino
You can do nothing

A wise man once said
Get off my property, thief
One day I’ll get him

Penguins are evil
Don’t let them run for office
Kick their asses red

About Our Practice

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Contact Info

12345 West Elm Street

Phone: 1.888.456.7890

Fax: 1.888.654.9876

Web: Buy Avada Today!