Sagittarius2018-05-04T13:34:09+00:00

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

The price you pay for
Looking good is a steep one
But worth the virgins

Only after you
Try naked bungee jumping
Can you critique it

I’ll level with you:
The stars and I fought and fell
Out, so who knows, Sag

Good news—the team of
Researchers staging your life
Will get great data

You can’t step into
The same river twice—ancient
Wisdom that’s still lame

Defeating that dark
Wizard is the only way
To soothe your sore throat

You must go back in
Time and shoot yourself and thus
Prevent this future

No matter how they
Torture you, don’t reveal where
I hid those Pringles

It takes more muscles
To frown than smile, which means that
I am not lazy

Don’t be so hasty
To turn down the offer of
“Pain”—they might mean “bread”

Evolution can’t
Explain how dumb you can be
To not believe it

It may sound like a
Cruel gag, but poison always
Guarantees chuckles

Your future holds a
Lot of gold stars for your work
With silver dildos

Don’t fall into the
Trap of believing you can
Get out of this trap

Your application
For a grant to research some
Grant scammers: approved

The community
Will thank you for closing your
Blinds once in a while

As any working
Writer will tell you, I need
Some money—please help

The briefcase does not
Fool anyone: we know that
Your job involves fries

I always put the
Meanest fortunes under my
Own sign… help me, Freud

These horoscopes are
Haunted, but at least I’ve passed
The curse on to you

Don’t catastrophize:
Joining that blood cult might not
Turn out so badly

Take my advice: do
Not, in any event, take
Some of my advice

That flock of vultures
Watching each of your movements
Are your biggest fans

Your plan to create
A bacon-wrapped pizza will
Soon change history

You should listen to
The rich, who always make the
Effort to talk down

Watch for falling rocks
But, more importantly, watch
For falling rock stars

I did not mean to
Imply that Elvis still lived
In my basement suite

You’ll learn lots about
Life after a pigeon takes
You under its wing

Cut the apron strings
And let your parents make their
Decisions themselves

Treat yourself to some
Ice cream, but avoid flavours
That appear haunted

You’re all talk and no
Sexy teenage action, so
I’m not renting you

The will of the gods
Is that you send me money
… They must be obeyed

Of all the classy
Moves, your “cough-fart” is likely
Etiquette’s greatest

The fresh, pleasing taste
Of bathroom urinals is
An acquired one, yes

Face the music—take
Responsibility for
The dinosaurs’ deaths

Your every move is
Being taped by a group of
Lazy fetishists

Anything that you
Can imagine, you’ll achieve
In your wildest dreams

Drinking coffee in
The morning—you can’t get much
More original

Your love, like the trees,
Is evergreen, and also
All covered with sap

You’ll win a Grammy
For your song, “Make This a Hit
Or I’ll Murder You”

The best way to deal
With your unrequited love
Is never give up

All those eggs that were
Laid in your skin are set to
Hatch soon—call in sick

“Hell is Others”—your
Dinner party slogan seems
Inappropriate

Something’s missing from
Your life—my guess is that it’s
A rhino deathmatch

Justin Bieber will
Begin demanding human
Sacrifices soon

Your childhood habit
Of putting things up your nose:
Now revived by coke

You cannot drink your
Problems away, which include
A lack of some drinks

Using a candy
Cane to support your limping
Self is a bold move

You must find a way
To limit your distractions—
Try leaving the world

It seems you have been
Mistaken for someone else
Who owes biker gangs

It is time for you
To get rid of your beta
Tapes and your pet rock

Keep forgetting your
Passwords? Here’s a hint: tattoo
Them onto your flesh

Nothing you say or
Do will make up for the fact
That you destroyed Earth

That golf-ball-sized growth
Is in fact a golf ball that
Someone glued to you

Finally, you will
Discover who’s stealing your
Magic newspapers

If you read this and
Are disappointed, please don’t
Hesitate to die

Get involved in my
Pyramid scheme—wherein we’ll
Rob the pyramids

Beware the honeyed
Lies of beekeepers, but keep
Enjoying honey

The cat’s out of the
Bag, and you’re left holding a
Bag full of cat crap

All your questions will
Be answered this week when you
Complete the crossword

Learn to live each day
Like it is your last 19
Hours and 12 minutes

Need some quick money?
Try tying your wallet to
A cheetah! Hyuk!

Relax—once your brain
Is in a robot body
Things will be just fine

I don’t know what is
Living in your basement, but
Suggest you feed it

The delicate and
Fragile beauty of the moth
Is all just a trick

Trust me—your sex life
Would improve greatly if you
Got a soul transplant

Unleash your inner
Mad-dog-on-a-leash-that-you-
Should-really-not-free

Like Sinatra, you
Will do it “your way”—a way
That involves strippers

Your “hip” replacement
Will go well—book a “groovy”
Augmentation next

I hate to tell you
But when E.T. phoned home he
Did so on your cell

A beautiful day
Is in store for the one who
Brings me the Jade Fox

Try learning to play
An instrument as revenge
Against your neighbours

You left cleaning the
Fridge too long, and now that mold
Has gained legal rights

If you want to be
Taken seriously, you
Should lose the clown shoes

These complicated
Times demand a leader who
Can count past twenty

You should not have bought
That used breast pump last weekend
At that garage sale

As a fun prank, I
Have replaced your shampoo with
Some angry fire ants

Your novel about
How Jesus was a vampire
Will rake in the dough

You need a purpose
In your life so give yourself
Up to Dracula

I don’t want to tell
You your business, but no one
Wants hot pink coffins

What’s done is done and
There is no point regretting
Your entire childhood

In the near future
Disney will purchase the rights
To all your organs

The next time you do
Laundry will be the last time
You handle money

Tracy Morgan is
Doing an impression of
You in thirteen years

The greatest moment
Of your life will pass by when
You’re busy texting

t’s a cold, cold world
But glacial melt’s going
To change all of that

Do not believe the
Lies of the devil—but you
Guys can still hang out

Relax this week, since
Next week you’ll be running from
Wolves for the most part

There must be better
Uses for your time machine
Than pulling off pranks

Throw your sacrifice
Into the volcano and
You might land the job

Guardian angels
Have been sent to prevent you
From touching others

I’ve got some news—your
Roommate is really Elvis!
Dead, gassy Elvis

You may have a date
With Destiny, but don’t brag—
She will stand you up

There are angels who
Look out for you and laugh at
Your odd, absurd life

Eat more fruit, and less
Still-screaming monsters from the
Thirteenth dimension

Hey, it’s not a big
Deal, just cover for Batman
For, like, ten minutes

Your collection of
Homemade squirrel replicas:
Not creepy enough

You need more coffee
Because you still are bound to
The third dimension

Scientology
Is the religion for you
Since you’re a moron

Keep brainstorming — you
Must think of a way to be
Better than a dog

If you want to get
Laid these days you had better
Become a vampire

Your beauty outshines
That of the mud slick by a
Very small margin

Your attempt to make
Friends with a mean wolverine
Will go swimmingly

In the future when
Trains get lost they’ll scan their own
Bar codes to find them

The new Doritos
Flavour you can look forward
To is “cumin flesh”

No one cares what a
Sagittarius does — just
Get over it, man

Your hybrid fruit the
“Assberry” won’t sell without
A brand redesign

Your hatred of ducks
Is a clear form of inter-
Species racism

Mars has entered the
House of Sagittarius
So call the police

In your quest for a
Closer shave, you’ll flay the skin
Right off of your face

Greyhound’s new motto
“The Swine Flu is Free” will catch
On in a big way

Challenge yourself by
Slapping your own face and then
Asking to duel

If you don’t mark it
Down you’ll never sell that A-
Bomb at your yard sale

Plant a tree to make
Up for the millions of trees
You’ve killed in cold blood

Recent laziness
Will be found to be caused by
A two-mile tapeworm

Your lucky numbers
Today are 3, 10, and the
Number of the beast

Begin speaking in
Rhyming couplets — people might
Listen to you then

I know my grammar
Is often wrong, but goddamn
It, these syllables!

You’ll learn that Spongebob
Squarepants is fictional … now
— Keep it together

The last piece of the
Puzzle falls into place when
Miss Scarlet flees town

Grow your beard out so
Far that it gains a distinct
Legal status, dude

Hanging out with those
Dancing skeletons will soon
Start to cramp your style

Tragedy strikes when
You fall up the stairs and rip
Your favourite pants

As a prank, your friends
Will take your car keys and throw
Them into deep space

Derrida once said
He’d hate to be quoted by
Some horoscope jerk

As the only one
To survive the pie-eating
Contest, you will win

I’m way too stressed out
About my own life to tell
You what to do next

You do too much — scale
Back, and start by quitting that
Sinister cadre

The only way to
Settle your dispute about
Buffy is to duel

Framing a cow for
Your crime of grand larceny
Will work, shockingly

If nothing else, show
Some respect for easily
Angered warlord gods

A little bit of
Knowledge is an awesome and
Great thing, so I’ve heard

I’ve seen your future
And trust me, you can take off
The shades anytime

Can’t see the forest
For the trees, eh? Try cutting
Down all of those trees

Your live weasel scarf
Is a great look for you but
Awkward and bloody

Burton Cummings will
Appear in a puff of smoke
With a glass slipper

An unexpected
Journey awaits you, one full
Of magic and crack

The tables have turned—
Tonight your dogs will eat the
Steak and you the “chow”

Coffee will perk you
Up, but so will electric
Shocks—and one is free

Smoked salmon is so
Good! But raw salmon will soon
Drive you to madness

You know what? Enough
With paying bills—after all
This is your last week

There are better ways
To save money than using
Your homemade condoms

After years of bad
Grammar you will be made an
Example and shot

Keep working hard, and
One day you may be released
From the gumdrop mines

All your dreams will come
True, but at the same time your
Life will become false

Instead of a Mac
Make your next computer a
Golden Delicious

If crying “wolf” no
Longer works, then you might try
Crying “cyber-wolf”

Your screenplay about
Jesus’ love of puppies
Needs more explosions

Let’s throw a wrinkle
In it—the zombie holds two
Tickets to Phantom

The Phantom of the
Opera is there, inside
Of your parking space

I’m afraid the Age
Of Aquarius has been
Cancelled—back to work

Few things in life are
Better than the love of a
Beautiful lobster

Today’s a good day
To donate your still-living
Body to science

This week a vision
Will reveal to you why the
Chicken crossed Jesus

You will defeat the
Minotaur but then learn that
You are the true beast

Let go of the past
But don’t let go of that guy
Hanging off the cliff

Jason Bourne’s after
You, but don’t worry, he won’t
Remember for years

I’m serious, that
Moisturizing lotion is
For external use

Turn down that invite
To attend Dracula’s red
Wine tasting party

The dramatic fights
In the poetry world will
Still go unnoticed

This week will suck — just
Travel through time until the
Start of the next week

Yes, I can cure your
Snoring, with a simple and
Quick lung removal

Better the robots
You know than the robots with
Spikes that you don’t know

Get some exercise —
I suggest running away
From all your problems

Go for a second
Opinion before cutting
Off your genitals

This week don’t count on
Scorpios, they’ll be busy
With paradoxes

Your discount Greyhound
Ticket means instead of a
Bus you’ll ride a dog

You will make a real
Discovery this week — the
Lair of beast-god Torth

Your worst nightmare has
Become true — Alvin and the
Chipmunks are alive

Don’t claim ‘Heavenly
Blessings’ as ‘other income’
When filing taxes

Those sentient rugs
From the planet Zykron will
Really trash your house

Good things come to those
Who await the cover of
Infernal darkness

Your 9/11
Conspiracy group, in your
Absence, fingers you

Those kids by your car
Are up to no good — they are
Slowly eating it

You’ll sleep like a log
And wake with a bear using
You to scratch its butt

It's a dog eat dog

World, and those cannibal dogs

Should be avoided

Everybody knows
Antidotes are for wimps — you’re
Not a wimp, are you?

Your thirst for justice
Might also be quenched by a
Bottle of Fresca

You think the Ugly
Stick is just a fable, but
Soon you’ll learn the truth

If you really want
To marry that mermaid you
Must give up fishing

The show must go on —
By which I mean please walk nude
In front of windows

The world will always
Need a Superman — but you
We can do without

You’ll have a hot date —
But this date will be a fruit
Covered with spices

You can reverse the
Curse by saying a simple
Phrase: “Here is some cash”

This week, your secret
Admirer will be murdered
By your secret foe

In the days of the
Coming meritocracy
You will not be king

If I knew you’d care
So much, I wouldn’t have dipped
You in those fire ants

“Death Cab for Booty”
Is a great name for your next
Porno musical

You have got to stop
Enabling Elvis in his
Avoidance of life

I know beating that
Dead horse isn’t fulfilling,
But it’s good money

Your fear of spiders
Will worsen when you find they
Have nuclear bombs

You will find a job
To suit your abilities
— Human paperweight

With his “Steak Cannon”
Megatron will take great Phil
Out of commission

If it’s not one thing,
It’s another Thing From The
Fifteenth Dimension

A lot of people
Have a bone to pick with you
This week, Skeletor

You will make fashion
History with your unique
Liger-skin jacket

Soon, sometime this week,
That iPod will lay its eggs
In your ear canal

Bad news — Anne Coulter
Will survive another week
While your hope will die

“Crabapples” are not
Balls of crab feces — shut down
Your so-called “fruit stand”

A hand bite by a
Radioactive spider
Will cause a lawsuit

Your death this week will
Be peaceful — but then you’ll find
Out Heaven has snakes

Man, time sure flies when
You are messing with the Flux
Capacitator

If only Jack was
More nimble, we wouldn’t be
Gathered here today

Superstar status
Will elude you until you
Go supernova

Your heavy metal
Band won’t get signed until you
Ditch the ferret mask

Are you leaving milk
And cookies out for Santa
Again? Enabler.

That deck light may look
Good, but every day the moths
Become more vengeful

Naming your penis
Was fine, but adding its name
To your Christmas cards?

Your conspiracy
Theories intrigue me, but could
Involve more wombats

There’s a romantic
Surprise in store for you, a
Gift from your stalker

Not sure why Tom Waits
Is living in your closet—
But leave the man be

Everything will work
Out. Just lay back, relax, and
Delude yourself more.

You reap what you sow
In life—shouldn’t have planted
All of that ragweed

You’re going to have
A bad week. You shouldn’t have
Eaten that pain bread.

Your microphone skills
Are unparalleled. That’s right—
You’re the very worst.

These are your choices:
You can stop singing that song
Or stop your heartbeat

Norris once destroyed
The universe and remade
It in his image

Your car will backfire
This week and initiate
A vicious gang war

An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away, if
Your aim is just right

This ballad about
Your dead hamster lacks certain
Epic qualities

You are all things to
All men, in other words, one
Expensive hooker

Bad luck for you – it
Seems that you are reading the
Poisoned horoscope

Your summer romance
Will come to an end soon as
Fall stalking begins

It takes a whole lot
Of guts to satisfy your
Sick, monstrous hunger

Time is the cure for
The terrible life which you
Are afflicted with

You should have punched some
Air holes in the top of that
Barrel of monkeys

The word “genius” gets
Thrown around a lot—but they’re
Not speaking of you

The pope’s still alive
It looks like you lost your bet
And your very soul

I don’t know how to
Say this, but your guardian
Angel just OD’d

Your future is not
Determined by the stars but
By your kidnappers

Technology sure
Moves fast—maybe you should catch
Up. First, try toothpaste

You need a new car
Your old one is plotting to
Seduce your daughter

You’ll see a lot of
Great acting this week. That’s right—
It’s reunion time

This week you will be
Cool for five minutes before
The fashion winds change

There is a warrant
Made out of bacon for your
Cardiac arrest

If you only learn
One thing this week, make sure it’s
Not to provoke bears

Things will not go well
The first week of your brand new
Job as a drug mule

Start a new project
This week. Give up on breeding
Invisible wolves

You too, Brutus? I
Thought my pita would be safe
In your loyal care

Though I don’t know what
A hollaback girl is, I’ve
Heard that you’re not one

You thought it’d never
Happen, but this week you’ll get
Sick of Will Ferrell

Your superpower
Of parallel parking just
Isn’t that awesome

That bowler hat suits
You. The tattoo of the deer
Screwing Santa? Nope.

Don’t let your love go
Unnoticed—take out one of
Those urinal ads

Angels are getting
More popular. There must be
Some way to cash in.

Your hip-hop empire
Is crumbling—you shouldn’t have
Bought that diamond house

Your vanity plate
That reads DRLOVE is the
Height of irony

Your poetry would
Gain a wider readership
If you mentioned breasts

Though the sign said “Don’t
FEED the Bears,” not smoking crack
With them was implied

Help me understand:
You think you saw Jesus in
A tortilla shell?

Strive to be like the
Noble lion, and not the
Ignoble crack fiend

Oh, so you’re reading
Ulysses? Really? You are
A goddamn liar

You like that lolly?
I’ve got something for you to
Lick. Some ice cream. What?

You don’t need a sled
Just slide down the hill on your
Trusty vertebrae

Take time out to work
On things that matter to you
Like that big laser

Get some rest—all your
Tireless efforts are ruining
My dark master plan

That cougar isn’t
Trying to pick you up but
To claw out your loins

This week you’ll score a
Remarkable touchdown and
Lighting will strike you

Try to be kinder
To animals who could kill
You if they wanted

Bad luck is coming
Your way, try zig-zagging to
Throw it off your trail

Don’t be sad — one day
You will live in a house filled
With both love and cheese

I don’t think that I
Believe Motley Crue when they
Say that they’ve reformed

Something’s different
About you — maybe it’s the
Torment which awaits

Your life is much like
A novel, sadly, it’s one
By Charles Bukowski

You are so pretty
That you are the number one
Cause of heart disease

The eyes of the world
Will be upon you as you
Deep throat the Martian

You’re a classy one
Your crab lice are wearing top
Hats and ballroom gowns

Life isn’t like those
Porno films you watch — in life
People will sue you

Some of those thirty
Thousand dollar rims would look
Great on your Civic

Not only will your
Cologne attract women, it
Will repel badgers

Needless to say, you
Should pass up the offer of
The diaper sandwich

Geese fly in a V
That’s for “Victory” — a cruel
Future awaits us

A little love goes
A long way, except when you’re
Dealing with Care Bears

This fall, think about
Where you want your life to go
Then give up all hope

She’s not just selling
Seashells these days, buddy, the
Times are getting tough

You know what they say:
When in Rome, do not let on
That you hate Romans

You’re at the bottom
But there’s only one way to
Go, and that’s sideways

Being a software
Pirate does not justify
Wearing that eyepatch

When Jesus comes down
In his spaceship, offer Him
Something to drink first

Tragedy will strike
Your house if you continue
To anger those dogs

AbuseTM — It’s the drink
That slowly kills you. Yeah, I
Like the ring of that

This week you will get
Your hair cut a little short—
Where is your God now?

Some things never change
Like the living hell that is
Your every moment

You know, I met that
Trunk Monkey and he’s much less
Helpful in person

The winds of change are
Blowing. Expect some rainfall.
Consider a hat.

The old gypsy tried
To warn you but you ignored
Her talk of werefish

There’s a lot to be
Said for taking the time to
Eat all of the chips

You’ll catch more flies with
Honey than with flycatching
Devices—you’ll see

That wasn’t Robin
Williams you saw in the mall
Just a large monkey

Your solemn vow of
Silence will be broken when
You get bored of it

The Bible Belt is
A necessary part of
Bible-Man’s costume

Business slow? Maybe
You should give your customers
Methamphetamine

Open the store—more
People than you think will want
To pierce their penis

The hair of the dog
That bit you may be useful
For voodoo curses

Time spent fleeing from
Ravenous packs of wolves is
Time spent well, my friend

Those things are just scams
Like the penis enhancements
Just trust me, I know

You shouldn’t laugh at
The misfortune of others
—but it’s still funny!

Satan will take your
Soul, just as he took all of
Your good catch-phrases

The sun will peek out
From behind the clouds, smile, and
Watch while you undress

You have a special
Place in the hearts of your friends
—all ‘cause of your car

Hello? The stars want
You to complete this survey
You’ll get free good luck

Whatever you put
Your mind to, you can do—drink
The milk with your mind!

Nothing gold can stay
Make sure that you get all of
The diamonds as well

Where have you gone, Joe
DiMaggio? Really, he went
To the can? I’ll hold.

Have a relaxing
Massage! We’ll follow that with
The Apocalypse.

Whatcha readin’ for?
Why don’t you just turn on the
Telly? Hyuk yuk!

Buy the car with the
Highest safety rating for
This week's trip through Hell

Your intelligence
Will be insulted this week
And abandon you

These horoscopes don’t
Represent the opinions
Of the zodiac

This week is one for
The books, or rather bookies
Well, nice knowing you

Times change, and soon you’ll
Be jailed for acts of terror
Such as saying “Boo!”

In Survivor-like
Fashion, you will be voted
Out of the death cult

You’ll ride naked on
A horse this week, which results
In new laws passing

It’s your birthday! Why
Not celebrate the fact that
You’re closer to death?

You keep smoking crack
And I’ll keep selling crack—how’s
That for a future?

The stars in your sign
Burned out many years ago
Lucky number: 9

The gods smile upon
You when you’re undressing to
Go to sleep each night

It’s not all sunshine
There are some trees, and a fish
And Kalamazoo

Let’s just say after
What happens this week you will
Deserve a cookie

Maybe people would
Come to your parties if you
Didn’t cry so much

That gopher in your
Lawn will start to drive you mad
With all his parties

It’s a kangaroo
Not a can’t-garoo, maybe
You could learn from that

It’s just not a cult
Without crazy wigs and some
Strange explanation

Your new band has a
Lot of hit potential. You’ll
Be dodging blows soon.

In mythology,
Sagittarius was a
Lot cooler than you

That candy heart is
The closest that you will come
To finding true love

All ye mighty, look
Upon the Lord of the Dance
And despair. Despair!

It’s about time that
You stood up for yourself and
Your right to conform

Sometimes you wish that
You had taken the cash, not
The mystery box

Ask yourself if you
Feel lucky. Now ask yourself
If you want beef. Punk.

Looking for a name
For your new band? How about
“The Band You’ll Soon Hate”?

Help preserve parkland
By trampling all over it
Then buying some fudge

That happy face you
Carved in the tree stump is just
Too little, too late

Don’t let the “Man” stop
You from doing what you love:
Obeying the rules

Life would be a lot
Easier if you would stop
Taunting wolverines

You will be rocked so
Hard this week that your socks will
Actually come off

You know what I heard
Is good for a headache? You
Going far away

Tutankhamen has
A hell of a lot of gold
It’s too bad he’s dead

Parasailing? Man,
The writing on Wild On has
Really gone downhill

A true samurai
Probably doesn’t refer
To wounds as “owsies”

B-I-N-G-O
Spells your way out of this hole
And into the dough

Though that spoonful of
Sugar sounds great, a spoon of
Heroin it’s not

The time has come for
You to take off and leave the
Walrus with the check

This week the one who
Holds the key to your heart will
Lock it in the car

You will go down in
History when you step on
That open manhole

Your new grill would work
Great if Muhammad Ali
Would stop hitting it

Do not feed that duck
He’ll just sell the food and buy
A lot of whiskey

Your cookie baking
Skills are wasted preparing
Food for that monster

Wean yourself off the
“Glass Teat” this week and go out
So I can watch it

An amusing thing
Will happen to you this week—
Football in the groin

You will be shocked to
Learn that electroshocks are
Applied to your head

I’m just saying that
Because I keep losing to
The damn computer

Science discovers
A perpetual motion
Machine: your damn mouth

Before you free your
Mind and express yourself you
Should put on some pants

A poisoned dish will
Be served to you this week — you
Get to guess which one

Now that’s what I call
A sticky situation
Laugh at Capricorns

It’s never a good
Idea to vandalize
A policeman’s gun

With a face like yours
Every day is Halloween
Cheer up: kids love you

Mythological
Odin gave his eye to see
You will drink soda

Your political
Affiliations to that
Penguin will pay off

You learn something new
Every day — this week you’ll learn
Seven useless things

Think twice the next time
You start thinking about girls
With humongous breasts

In ancient Egypt
They had a saying: “Shut the
Hell up, you moron”

Getting your homework
Done early will give you more
Time to masturbate

You are not fooling
Anyone by pretending
You are not insane

The rock gods smile on
You and your decision to
Stop writing rock songs

Nothing can stop you
Now that you have time alone
And a stack of porn

You will get some new
Digs this week, sad to say they’ll
Be at the graveyard

Needing answers you
Will climb the highest mountain
Which was just stupid

A penny saved is
Yet another bus driver
Plotting your demise

You will be dismayed
To learn it is not the thought
That counts but the size

Moving this month? Make
Sure to tell your old roommates
You were filming them

She only wants you
For your poverty and your
Sexy hacking cough

Your conspiracy
Of silence will not work if
You brag about it

A nod is as good
As a wink to somebody
Who says crap like that

When they said you could
Be a model they meant for
The “before” picture

Whoever said rain
Never hurt anyone did
Not read the Bible

Bikini season
Is upon us—you will get
Arrested again

Make the best of it
Use your gangrenous limb as
A prop in a skit

Keep on keeping on
If you stop then the treadmill
Will throw you for miles

Buy a sports car and
Give me the keys so I can
Break in the back seat

Ditch the midget who
Talks backwards and find yourself
A sassier one

Your guitar is not
Out of tune, nor is your voice
Different today

Events of this week
Will go down in history
But your name will not

Though you smell a rat
There are no flaws in your plan
To rob the sewers

A vision of Hell
Will reveal itself to you
Unless you shut up

Regardless of what
You think, no one wants to be
Warmed by your love fire

Avoid crowds this week
Especially any crowd
Of which I am part

A tall dark stranger
Will enter your life this week
Like every week, slut

Your diet will snuff
Out like a sugar candle
In a bacon storm

Visit some old friends
You need a place to lie low
After killing Fred

The only thing wrong
With your plan to get rich quick
Is that it’s stupid

It is true, ask him
Jesus hates your stupid dog
It’s goddamn ugly

About Our Practice

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