(February 19 – March 20)

Make fish a staple
Of your diet if you want
Revenge on those fish

Steamy steam room sex
Sounds good, but is the leading
Cause of heart attacks

You might like playing
Ball hockey more if you used
Someone else’s balls

When strangers call and
Ask for your bank and credit
Card numbers, give them!

The mongoose versus
The cobra—who will win? You
Never know in chess

Your priorities
Are so mixed up—at this point
Just alphabetize

The best burger you
Will ever have will be made
From your own seared flesh

If you won’t glue tree
Frogs all over your body
You’ll never succeed

Anything goes in
Your quest to impress the one
That you love stalking

Although your organs
Will turn to jelly, they’ll taste
Great with some whipped cream

Nothing ventured and
Nothing gained—why not try to
Jet ski to the moon?

Logically, you
Can first have the cake, and then
Eat it—problem solved

The ancient art of
Being an asshole has found
Its truest master

Moving can be quite
Stressful, so stop all of your
Bodily functions

That road runner may
Have eluded your traps, but
One day all must die

If you aren’t reading
Cthulhu’s blog don’t expect
Mercy or swift death

Tupac’s ghost wants to
Warn against releasing his
Songs and—you did what?

Your podcast about
The failure of your other
Podcast won’t succeed

Surround yourself with
More good people and less starved
And vicious badgers

There’s nothing funny
About torturing a mime
To get him to talk

I don’t know why she
Swallowed that fly, but I don’t
Think things are that dire

Trapping that demon
In your neighbour’s child was a
Temporary fix

Don’t speak for a week
And notice the difference
In those around you

Your beautiful face
Looks better if you smile as
My enemies burn

No diagnosis
Needed: you clearly suffer
From mean horoscopes

Uncertainty shall
Make you wonder: Did you turn
Off that loose kill-bot?

Speak only the truth—
Therefore, say nothing that you
Would normally say

Advertisers won’t
Return my calls, but when they
Do, an ad goes here

Whenever you feel
Like everyone’s ignoring
You, just masturbate

High school reunions
Are a fine way to revive
A flagging deathwish

Time will heal all wounds
Aside from that wound there, your

The beauty of the
World will fill you with many
Quite lame emotions

At a certain point
You have to admit that you
Have become a goat

The pain you feel is
Partly mental, and partly
You being metal

Buy an e-reader
To help realize your goal
Of looking smarter

We should get back in
Touch, by which I mean I would
Like to grope you some

Having Charlie Sheen
As your next-door neighbour will
Grow annoying quick

You must be prepared
For anything, even for
A ghost-bird attack

Construction season
Will start soon, so get out your
Reinforced tank top

It hurts your cat’s self-
Esteem when you assume it
Cares about your life

Give back to those who
Gave much to you—by which I
Mean turn yourself in

Soon you will grow out
Of this phase in which you need
Oxygen to live

You shouldn’t give up
On your dream to become a
Dinosaur hat thief

Clean up your act by
Running the tigers and your
Hoops through a car wash

Disappointment sets
In when you learn Rihanna’s
Not singing to you

You’ll freeze your fingers
If you cut them off and place
Them in a freezer

Take up fishing—it’s
A good sport for someone who
Is really a shark

Neil Diamond’s version
Of “The Chanukah Song” adds
The name Jesus—true!

The wolf that raised you
Would be disappointed with
Your vegan lifestyle

Communicate more
With your lover—a good first
Step: learning the name

When you’re in a job
Interview, be sure to smile
And make tongue contact

I’m pretty sure that
You will “die trying” rather
Than what you had planned

The family dog
Is your last line of defence
Against vampire cats

Those bird feeders that
You put out are only the
First step of old age

You’ve missed all of the
Obvious clues that reveal
The killer was me

Your metal epic
About SpongeBob will be a
Critical success

Subway will announce
A new sandwich soon—“Ground-Up
Pisces”—so watch out

One thing to avoid:
The sexual advances
Of vampire poodles

Don’t settle for less
Than you deserve—settle for
No less than nothing

It seems I forgot
To write a horoscope for
Pisces this week—dang!

Barracuda! With
That said, it’s time to invest
In mutual funds

I’m too hungry to
See the future—I just keep
Seeing sandwiches

With these magic words I have
Just wasted your time

One thing you will learn
This week is how not to treat
An angry black bear

Each planet sends out
A psychic vibration, so
Like, wait to feel that

Humanity’s time
Is drawing to a close—soon
The penguins will rise

Anything you can
Do your doppelganger can
Do much, much better

If you can think of
It, then somebody is right
Now doing that thing

Ignore all of the
Alarms you hear—that will make
Things interesting

Your talent for not
Knowing when to stop simply
Cannot be denied

Soon an unknown play
By Shakespeare will be unearthed:
“The Stupid Pisces”

Open your heart and
Your mind and even your home
To ravenous wolves

The UFO you
Saw last night was really just
Alien feces

Deciding to keep
Pigeons in your basement—yeah
That was a smart move

Crying over spilt
Milk—not such a good move at
The business meeting

Your car will soon need
Repairs, as will your heart and
Your reputation

The only thing you
Have to fear is Dan from the
Accounts division

The grasping horrors
Of this nightmare world will soon
—Oh look, some kittens!

You should probably
Take the phrase “Expert Lover”
Off your business cards

Your soul mate will turn
Down your advances, because
Of the car you drive

Today is the first
Day of the rest of your life
As the walking dead

The thunder god has
Taken the form of that guy
Who likes to shock you

Your invention of
The telephone will change your
Fortunes—when you’re sued

After you robbed the
House you should have left it, not
Had a bubble bath

Where are the robots
The future promised? Without
Them, life is torment

I’m scaling back the
Predictions and ramping up
The rabid wombats

Take my advice and
Stop wearing your t-shirt with
The bull’s-eye on it

You’ll gain the power
Of flight, but lose the power
Of your sanity

That which doesn’t kill
You will disappoint many
Of the spectators

It turns out that all
Along you were married to
A rotting lobster

While you were busy
Reading these, somebody just
Poisoned your coffee

Buy some scuba gear
And purchase an island and
Leave reality

Don’t overcommit—
Play it as safe as you can
In your marriage vows

The devil you know
Is one more devil than the
Average person

Magical elves are
At the root of most of your
Personal problems

Playing tennis with
A sasquatch will seem odd for
The first time this week

Abandon your plans
To take over the world if
You want to score chicks

Your remote control
Is the only control you
Wield in your sad life

Getting frisky with
A wolverine is rarely
A good idea

My psychic powers
Predict that you will once more
Learn nothing from me

Buy a Hummer and
Drive around blaring children’s
Music at full blast

Millions of years of
Human evolution came
Up with will.i.am

Shakespeare and Spielberg
Are together at last in
E.T.: Dane from Space

Face the facts: your cat
Does not know its own name, nor
Does it care to know

Your barber may not
Be wealthy, but he still looks
On you with contempt

Your “Museum of
Love Gone Wrong” won’t quite take off
As a tourist trap

All admire how you
Avoid their traps and poison
By sheer accident

Your souvenir from
When you had tacos once is
Your most treasured thing

It turns out Pisces
Isn’t a real sign but some
Prank the stars have pulled

Why buy a car? Spend
Your money on something more
Practical — a blimp

In an odd turn of
Events, Bruce Springsteen himself
Becomes your new boss

Your work habits could
Improve — you waste a lot of
Your time on breathing

Eating the heart of
Your landlord won’t help your cause
Against the rent hike

A Capricorn will
Get you into a sticky,
Hot situation

It’s a good day for
A family outing to
The live volcano

You’ll make powerful
Friends this week, which you will lose
As soon as next week

Your great war against
Scorpios begins with a
Sparrow deployment

During the fishing
Season you can expect to
Meet much less Pisces

Nothing you do will
Make up for the time that you
Destroyed time itself

I’m sorry to say
This, but you’re pretty much the
Worst Pisces ever

That’s a fine bag of
Eyeballs but I have to go
Somewhere else right now

Cormac McCarthy’s
Next novel will concern you
And meaninglessness

Cover yourself in
Honey and wait for the ants
— You’ll learn about life

Get more fresh air and
Exercise and try to stop
Chain-smoking weasels

It turns out your new
Car is haunted by the ghost
Of how much you paid

If you’re a Pisces
You came to the right place — but
It is the wrong time

Things are not working
Out, you will just have to find
A new horoscope

Please stop referring
To Star Trek as a “Future

They say fish have no
Feelings, which really hurts the
Feelings of Pisces

Cut down your coffee
Intake, and stop drinking through
Needle injection

You’ll go bald this week —
All at once — which will make for
One quite awkward date

Though rock and roll will
Never die, I fear that you
May have crippled it

Don’t sweat the small stuff—
And it’s all small stuff since the
Giant explosion

Reality shows
Must be stopped—we will have to
End reality

Wolverines make bad
Pets—in fact, yours will make you
Into its own pet

Now that you know where
Children come from, start a mail
Order baby shop

Hey, if you only
Could eat rats, wouldn’t that help
Control your cravings?

The parrot you bought
Will only say the names of
The people you’ve wronged

Infect yourself with
The zombie plague if you want
To play true metal

It turns out your house
Is haunted by a ghost who
Is a real jerk-off

Your pet Ebola
Virus will get out of its
Cage again this week

Next week you will be
Reincarnated as a
Horoscope reader

I don’t know if there
Is a demand for porn that
Features Jesus Christ

Even with the shades,
The light from your bright future
Will burn out your eyes

The time’s come for you
To have a baby—lucky
You, this one’s on sale

The stars want you to
Come to a party in the
Airless void of space

Your ‘freedom of speech’
Is now limited to talk
Of spaceships and chalk

Your chef training won’t
Be complete until you have
Killed the other chefs

Stardom will find you
Despite your best efforts to
Hide your second head

Inspired by Potter
You will train as a wizard
Then be burned alive

I know you’re on a
Diet, but don’t pass up the
Chance to eat Dick Clark

Changing your name to
Bob Marley won’t entitle
You to his estate

Keep a positive
Attitude this week, despite
The giant spiders

You rear-ended the
Batmobile, and now you are
Totally dead meat

It seems the killer
Is your best friend — and your best
Friend is a werewolf

You’ll be forced to change
Plans when vampires invade your
Restaurant of choice

You’ll hear strange sounds at
Night — the sounds of silence — for
Paul Simon stalks you

You’re creeping people
Out by constantly talking
About cantaloupes

That food in your fridge
That keeps multiplying might
Warrant inspection

For your convenience,
Stores stocking junk and staffed by
Morons dot the land

This week you’ll become
A fan of axillism —
Well then, look it up

Your “all-intestine”
Hot dogs will somehow sell more
Quickly than “all-beef”

Hey, “Pisces,” try to
Beat “Serpentarius”—it’s
Pretty awesome, eh?

Let me suggest to
You, gently, that the sun is
Not “out to get” you

Learn all of the facts
Before you make rash judgments
About the Martians

When awkward moments
Arise this week, relieve the
Tension with murder

You must learn to say
“No” or you’ll be found guilty
On all the charges

Writing ‘shoppe’ instead
Of ‘shop’ really classes up
‘Plugman’s Butt-Plug Shoppe’

Running for the bus
Will make clear your place in this
Giant universe

Do not be afraid
To listen — go see what that
Siren has to say

You’ll feel like a fish
Out of water after that
Wizard casts his spell

Although you are a
Pisces, you are not allowed
To have sex with fish

You can’t have your cake
And wage bloody war against
The Martian hordes too

Listen, I’ll tell you
One last time: Astrology
Is total bullshit

If you don’t let the
Bedbugs bite, then you will lose
All of their respect

Please explain to me
One more time this concept you
Call “Astrology”

A critic until
The end, you’ll deride your own
Killer’s lack of style

Your date with Daniel
Day-Lewis will sour when you
Order a milkshake

If you would put some
Clothes on, the poltergeist would
Not freak out so much

I don’t think that the
X-men have a place for you
Tuna Sandwich Man

It’s a one-horse town
And your plan to sell horses
Will be much-opposed

Your solo album
Will be well-received by a
Stupid audience

How do you like them
Apples? (Seriously — those
Apples are needy)

You’ll have a very
Good, successful career in
The Bizarro world

Fool me once, shame on
The drug cartel that hired you
To traffic cocaine

If you don’t return
Jacob’s ladder, the heavens
Will be denied you

You must do your part
And vandalize that Wiki
Chicken article

Be nice to your dog
This week — he just got a job
Writing for FOX News

I do not know how
You are committing the eighth
Deadly sin, but stop

All the world’s a stage—
And let’s just say that you won’t
Win any Tonys

You should invest in
My new business — it’s called Fools
& Their Money Corp.

Live by this simple
Maxim: If ever in doubt,
Release the tiger

The true hero must
Learn “victory” sometimes means
“Sword up robot ass”

You’ll struggle in vain
To overcome vanity
With more surgery

Much like a fish out
Of water, you resemble
Rodney Dangerfield

Don’t be so modest —
Your music career has been
A HUGE disaster

That spaceship’s tractor
Beam is the cause of all your
Lost farm equipment

Beware — that squirrel
Looks rabid and appears to
Be after your nuts

Quick — imagine that
Zombies are coming through the
Window. What’s your plan?

You will search far and
Wide for the original
Werewolf, with no luck

True love is not a
Rational thing — accept that
Snake as your in-law

Let God’s light into
Your heart — then use that light to
Justify your crimes

Soon you will have your
Brutal revenge on that guy
Who sold you the beans

If you're honest with
Yourself you'll see that you don't
Need all those wombats

It’s time to reveal
To the world it was you who
Invented the dog

This week you should join
An Astrologically-
Challenged support group

It’s hard to pinpoint
What’s wrong with your All-Nude Pie
Vomiting Contest

What the hell were you
Thinking, injecting that hot
Beef into your veins?

It’s party time, and
No court order is going
To stand in your way

I don’t like to think
Of it as “grave robbing” but
As “grave borrowing”

It turns out that you’re
Not “The One,” but you can keep
The cool sunglasses

Everybody makes
Mistakes, you’re only human—
For a few more days

Building a snowman
Harem was odd, but stranger
Still your use of it

Red is your colour—
If you see anyone else
Wearing red, kill them

Get all your Christmas
Shopping done early, before
The coal prices rise

Your teeth will begin
Falling out this week – you should
Not have crossed Oprah

Chuck Norris is part
Cherokee and all kick-ass
Martial arts action

Your arrival at
The nudist colony will
Signal its collapse

This week you’ll be left
Holding the bag, in this case
An atomic bomb

On the next Maury
Povich: psychotic talk show
Hosts out of control!!

Admit you have a
Problem – that’s the first step to
Passing the math test

You will fold under
Pressure – forced at gunpoint to
Make origami

Fish are brain food, but
Eating a Pisces counts as

No news is good news
As a reporter you can
Take the day off work

Some guy in your gym’s
Locker room will bend over
And never unbend

Don’t tempt fate—one of
These days you will learn this the
Hard way, Oedipus

This week you’ll come out
Of retirement to star in
Granny Sluts 16

Your “get-rich-slow” scheme
May work well but it isn’t
That marketable

Hell’s dark armies will
Wash over the Earth this week—
Invest in brimstone

True evil comes in
Many, many forms—why don’t
You try the cherry?

That tremendous noise
You heard was Mothra flying
Into your zapper

The “Penis in the
Popcorn” trick won’t work as well
As you seem to think

With a cowboy hat
Comes responsibility—
Finish the whole steak

That’s a crazy wig!
You will rise to the heights of
The comedy biz

A terrible fate
Will befall anyone whom
You talk to this week

We need to work out
More — let’s go down to the gym
And lift some wallets

This week, anything
Could happen! Wow! That is so
Exciting and vague!

Somewhere, over the
Rainbow, is a land of gold.
Let us wage brute war.

Saying the wrong name
During sex is not as bad
As saying two names

I’ve found that the more
Fire hazards you have around,
The more romantic

Stock up on those cream
Eggs, you can buy your way out
Of anything then

Your life will change when
You discover the joys of
Compulsive gambling

You’ll get away with
Murder again this week, but
One day they’ll catch you

Wow, that was quite the
Sneeze! You will be arrested
For murder this week.

It isn’t nice to
Exclude others—please, let me
Come to your orgy

It’s true, the dingo
Ate your baby—but who will
Believe your story?

You will win a trip
To Michigan, if “win” is
The right word for it

Kraft Dinner, cola,
And ketchup does not cover
All of the food groups

Cowboys fighting with
Skeletons—that’s genius, man
That’s just pure genius

You’ve got a real green
Thumb—then again, you are the
Incredible Hulk

That bum you rebuked
Was Jesus in disguise. He’s
Been down on his luck.

Valentine’s Day is
Coming up—celebrate with
A deep depression

If you don’t put on
These magic sunglasses, we’re
Going to rumble

If only you knew
Then what you know now—that the
Chicken was poisoned

Gorilla warfare
Sounded like a good plan back
Before you sobered

You haven’t lost your
Edge, you’ve just managed to hide
It from the police

Write your messages
In blood; people will pay more
Attention to them

Lose some holiday
Weight with a little something
I like to call knives

Mistletoe above
Your head? Get ready for the
Impending lawsuit

Combining country
Music with rap music was
Your fatal error

That tie makes you look
Fat, and also like a bald
Psychotic bulldog

All of that bleeding
Has got to stop sometime—I
Wouldn’t worry much

Your cell phone will go
Off in a theatre, and
You’ll be rightly lynched

I don’t want to pick
Sides, but all my money is
On somebody else

Your attempt to take
Over the world will end in
A bowl of Jell-O

You will have to choose
Between your twin careers as
Transvestite and priest

You deserve to be
Appreciated for more
Than being perfect

The Age of Pisces
Is drawing near, by which I
Mean you stink like fish

The only thing that’s
Missing in your life is a
Place to store the loot

Your plan to surprise
Your Grandpa will backfire when
You’re baked in the cake

The sausage party
Will be, sadly, just what you
Expected it to

You touch me gently
And I get carried away–
Brokendown penis

Sure, they gunned you down
But understand it from their
Perspective: You’re there

On a toxin purge?
Of course I’m supportive of
Your hippie bullshit

“Let the games begin!”
Stop shouting that before you
Go to the bathroom

Middle East conflicts
Will be resolved when all sides
Agree to blame you

If you figured out
How to hijack the plane with
Nail clippers, you’d rock

Many people love
Mini doughnuts, but you just
Take it way too far

You will discover
That it was aliens who
Built the beeramids

Roll with the punches
Just like a ninja would, then
Throw some shuriken

Chewing gum will help
You keep your rhythm, and thus
Prevent pregnancy

We all make mistakes
There’s no point regretting that
You ate that apple

Get your beauty rest
It will make you worth more to
Future kidnappers

This week you’ll travel
Throughout time, ever slowly
And moving forward

Your life is shallow.
What you need is a leather
hat. Don’t question me.

The horrific true
Nature of humanity
Is revealed on FOX

Life will continue
To amaze you with its great
Wonder and with cheese

With Walker, Texas
Ranger on the case, justice
Has more dumb plot twists

Plato said friendship
Was the highest love–I say,
Let’s all eat pancakes!

Kafka’s zombie will
Rise from the dead to destroy
His remaining work

You’ll be king for a
Day, just long enough to be

Re: Passion—“I heard
there were script problems from Year
Zero”—I’ve got tons!

It’s New Stapler Day!
Need anything stapled? Like,
Anything! Come on.

Large quantities of
Chocolate will only make
Your heart and face glow

Home is where the heart
Is, beating loudly under
Those pulsing floorboards

Your puppetry skills
Will decline over time so
Impress hotties now

All the world’s problems
Can be solved with a little
Love and a lead pipe

Life-giving water
Which covers this Earth is on
Sale this week—stock up!

Let me put you on
Hold—while I take this call hug
Me tight to your chest

Don’t just rest on your
Laurels, seek new challenges
And download new porn

You’re an old-fashioned
Person, made mostly out of
Mud and asbestos

Buying smokies and
Not hot dogs will give you more
Pig ass for your buck

The holiday that
They call “VD” will turn out
To be all promised

Yeah, that’s what you need
—a fucking moon base. Come on.
I mean, a moon base?

Life is too short for
Regret, and you will regret
Not regretting more

The call of the wild
Beckons you to a life of
Hardship and struggle

You’ve got a Lust for
Life, and also some problems
With copyright law

Public speaking can
Be scary—just picture the
Angry mob naked

Being hunted by
Mafia goons? Well, I wish
I could help, really

Those boxing day sales
Were great, but you shouldn’t have
Bought that heroin

‘Tis the season to
Quit being so jolly and
Get out of my face

Don’t enter the root
Cellar, terrible things live
There, dark, twisted roots

One of these days… Bam!
Boom! You will lead a NASA
Mission to the moon

Your whole faith in God
Will be shaken when you learn
That He liked “Swimfan”

Statistics show that
There is probably a wolf
About to eat you

While eating dinner
You will choose sides in the war
Between Cows and Pigs

It’s a dog eat dog
World, at least when you’re dealing
With those zombie dogs

You have much to be
Thankful for, like your quick and
Painless death this week

Painful as it is
To share your feelings, it’s more
Painful to listen

You’ll be assaulted
By a stranger this week, five
Bucks and I’ll say who

Sure, drown your sorrows
Just like you drowned poor Jimmy
Hoffa—oh, you’ll pay

The sheer rawness of
Your poetry will inspire
Countless suicides

Through the miracle
Of technology, these fish
Are the planet’s last

If ever there was
A time to invest in snake
Bite futures, it’s now

You’ve got to admit
That you would try Soylent Green
If you had the chance

The Hollywood Hills
Are calling your name—wait, your
Name is not Cocaine!

You would have more room
For your car’s subwoofers if
You took out its brakes

Love Potion Number
8 is a lot cheaper but
Just attracts stalkers

You should stop burning
The candle at both ends; just
Read the instructions

Refreshing showers
Are a great way to start off
A new jail sentence

Bad news for Pisces
Ursa Major finally
Caught and ate your sign

Take a stand. While you
are standing, I'll just use the
bed. Don't back down now.

Another lesson
Learned: Rabid dogs do not like
Interpretive dance

Those lucky cats will
Bring you fortune at the cost
Of your home’s decor

You will survive the
Jewel concert but you will
Never be the same

Don’t get so wound up
When people wind that key that
Sticks out of your back

Your love life is just
Killing time until Conan
Comes on the TV

Your fear of clowns is
Childish — move on to a fear
Of comedians

The drugs don’t work but
On the plus side there are so
Many kinds of booze

Don’t just lie around
On the couch all day, eating
And collecting rats

Reflect on your life
Could you spend more of your time
Helping me somehow?

It’s thinking like that
Which has made this country the
Powerhouse it is

You will be shocked and
Appalled by an amazing
Assortment of hats

With the world wide web
Some more people should fear that
Huge spider lurking

Video games cause
Violence, at least when you
Beat out my high score

You will endanger
Your soul when you get sick and
Start praying to cod

Fish don’t have feelings
But you know all about that
You sociopath

50 Cent has been
Shot nine times — get shot ten times
And become a star

You are strong like bull
You have only one weakness
Those hats with tassels

You will break your neck
In a vain attempt to turn
Your frown upside-down

You’ll experience
Déjà vu this week you’ll feel
Déjà vu this week

Do not ask for whom
The bell tolls or I might have
To slap you up some

Those rappers can sell
Anything — do not buy those
Shoes made out of weed

You know what they say
Every time that a bell rings
Dogs will attack you

Waldo will elude the best
Of your assassins

Nobody on the
Bus wants to hear your true tale
Of high adventure

Garage rock is on
The upswing — your polka-punk
Band must bide its time

You can only get
So far with flattery, steal
The car after then

Chapped lips a bother?
Keep your face moist by knawing
Your enemy’s bones

If it was backwards
Week this week, then I might give
You some real advice

Great works of art will
Inspire you to produce some
Terrible art works

This week, when you think
All is lost, you will find much
Courage, then lose it

Hunger knaws inside
Only one thing can save you
Feeding the tapeworm

Who are you going
To call when the Ghostbusters
All become possessed?

Magic markers are
Not as impressive as some
Other magic tricks

Though misery may
Love company, it’s getting
Sick of your visits

Girls like sensitive
Guys, so get a good sunburn
Before it’s too late

You will feel like a
High roller this week, until
You learn how to count

More than your feelings
Will be hurt by the endless
Swarm of killer bees

After long years spent
Searching in vain, you will find
Love in the wrong place

The stars unionize
And demand full benefits
Before you learn squat

Getting you and your
Son arrested does not count
As quality time

Though all your plans fail
Take solace in the knowledge
That nobody cares

Money can’t buy the
One thing you want most of all
Even more money

The most important
Thing to remember is that
You always forget

The stars are not in
But if you leave a message
They will ignore it

Though you dislike pigs
Cops will think you dislike them
Hate pigs in secret

The sunburn will fade
Discard plans to become the
Hero Lobster-Man

Drive-by conversions
By ardent Mormons are on
The religious rise

The economy
Will survive and prosper from
Your mental collapse

The grass may grow long
But that doesn’t mean you can
Mow Africa’s plains

The sky is not blue
It’s just pretending until
You let your guard down

When Jesus comes back
He’s going to want that carpet
Shampooed and dry cleaned

Like the brave lion
You will shed your winter coat
And slaughter gazelles

Despite what they say
The quick way to a man’s heart
Is still oral sex

Today looks like a
Good day to die, and also
For planting flowers

Your golf game improves
At the expense of your pride
And your fashion sense

Your discovery
Of a new way to have sex
Still does you no good

Your love of Wicca
And your love of hairless cats
Will earn more hatred

Like Vanilla Ice
You will melt in the spotlight
Drink some antifreeze

When the zombies come
Make sure there are enough seats
And some fresh dainties

Fish are good to eat
Dog feces — somewhat less so
Go to cooking school

These fish freak me out
I hid in the chicken vat
Which was freaky too

About Our Practice

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Contact Info

12345 West Elm Street

Phone: 1.888.456.7890

Fax: 1.888.654.9876

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