No, I will not tell you the details of my sinister plan

So, Mr. Bond, we meet again. Only this time it you, not I, who is the one defeated. The tables have truly turned. When once I was on my knees before you, begging to be spared like a snivelling coward, now you are he who cries out for mercy which will not be given.

When I, in my darkest moment, made pleas for my life, how did you respond? By humiliating me even further, striking me with such force that I slipped into a coma. Who could have foreseen that, while in my dark sleep, my mind would formulate so dastardly a plan as that which is now unfolding? And now, Mr. Bond, you will die an agonizing death.

What’s that you say? What is this plan to which I refer? Ah, not as clever as you thought you were, hmmm? You’ve put together most of the puzzle, but the final few pieces elude you. Well, just try to concentrate and solve the mystery when hungry piranhas are devouring your flesh!

Are you ready to die, Mr. Bond? Or should I call you Mr. Bind? For you are assuredly in such a bind now.

What? No, I will not tell you the details of my sinister plan! Why? Well, although you are suspended mere inches above a tank of frothing water, a death to which you will plunge at the mere push of this button, I suppose that you still might escape and foil my scheme. I myself do not see how this is possible, but perhaps you have an ace up your sleeve?

I seem to recall a similar situation last year, to which I alluded earlier. I had you in a room with only one exit, a small opening in the ceiling 50 feet above you, the walls closing in steadily and covered with cruel metal spikes. Escape seemed impossible, and I guess I got a bit cocky because I turned my back on your suffering, leaving you for dead. Not five minutes later I was on my knees before you, begging for mercy. I don’t know how you did it, but this time I’m not taking any chances. Better safe than sorry, right?

Besides, what if you have an accomplice, hiding in the shadows? Even if they are unable to save your life, they may still throw the proverbial monkey wrench into things. Ms. Valliere perhaps? Although I sincerely doubt it. No, I believe you have put too much trust into that one.

What? No, that wasn’t a clue! I was alluding to her incompetence, not her loyalty. You fool, can’t you see that she’s in love with you?

Sheesh, you’re really stretching on this one, Bond. No clues! No, I won’t tell you if you guess right either! I’m an evil GENIUS, you seem to forget.

If I won’t tell you, it must not be much of a plan? What, are we in kindergarten here? Grow up. I’m secure with my plan, I don’t feel the need to broadcast it for the approval of others. I admit a part of me wants to gloat, especially to you, but nobody likes a braggart.

I must say, I’m kind of disappointed in you, Bond. You were so cool and collected a minute ago, and now you’re just a bundle of nerves. Look at that sweat. You know it just makes the fish hungrier.

Hey — your plan wasn’t to get into a hopeless situation just to coerce me to reveal my plan, was it? That’s weak, Bond. I’m pressing the button.

Geez, I thought you were supposed to be the best spy in the world.

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Jonathan Ball is a writer, filmmaker, and scholar living at

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