(September 23 – October 22)

Start anew with a
Clean slate—make sure to get all
Of the dried blood off

Yes, you should write a
Sequel to The Joy of Sex
Called The Hell of Love

Your walk of shame would
Be less shameful if you just
Put your clothes back on

Breaking away from
The pack is the best plan when
Being chased by wolves

Stop clinging to the
Past—having a name and a
Birthday? So bourgeois

Wars will rage unseen
In the hidden world ruled by
Penguin overlords

The necessary
Measures have been taken to
Forget your birthday

Honesty is the
Best policy when your name
Is Pinocchio

Things will line up in
Your favour once you can get
That job drawing lines

You will never be
Happy until you destroy
Your thirty-eight clones

Paris Hilton is
Still alive, which pokes holes in
Your whole “God” theory

You have addictive
Tendencies, so stay away
From my heroin

I don’t know, I see
That cursed monkey’s paw as an
Awesome investment

You misunderstood—
I did not say to invest
Your money in socks

Breaking news: your bones
Will be broken, and so will
Your mirrors and mind

Your image will be
Tarnished when it’s revealed you
Caused global warming

You are not getting
Into Dimension 19
Without your passport

Stay indoors and don’t
Let anybody in that
Doesn’t have pizza

Ashton Kutcher and
Charlie Sheen are two reasons
God doesn’t exist

The phone is for you
Although the caller says that
We’re in the Matrix

It is not a car
Accident if your car had
It planned all along

I know wolves seem like
A bad investment but they
Are due for upturn

Lather strawberry
Jam on your skin and run out
Screaming “the horror!

Now that the hype has
Died down, you’ll learn if your love
For big butts was pure

You need to think a
Bit more about your plan to
Mess up your own plan

You remind others
Of better times, times when you
Were not around them

You will get a bad
Diagnosis, the quite rare
“Head-falling-off” flu

The sad plight of the
Onion will always move you
To shed many tears

Although you’ve claimed to
Many times, this week you will
Literally die

If you aren’t careful
Snoop Dogg will roll up and smoke
Your magic beanstalk

Start carrying a
Clipboard — at some point someone
Will salary you

This week the skies will
Open, and Jesus shall come
Back to get pizza

Your uneasy sense
That something bad will happen
Never steers you wrong

Take up zumba so
You can shimmy your way to
Slimmer hopes in hell

The solution to
Your problems can be summed up
In one word: cheetahs

All I’m suggesting
Is that you might want a less
Rabid pet weasel

Don’t be so quick to
Judge the Nigerian prince
That keeps emailing

That young Anakin
Seems like a good kid—why not
Trust him with your life?

Vow to one day reach
A point in your life when you
Don’t drink chicken blood

In tough times, it’s good
To know you can always count
On your abacus

You will keep getting
Turned down for sex if you keep
Screaming your requests

Jon Bon Jovi as
A vampire—it’s happened, and
You missed it, sucka!

Do not hog all the
Glory—admit you had help
At the glory hole

Soon you’ll learn why the
House in the lava pit was
So inexpensive

The best way to warm
Up from the cold is with a
Tall stiff drink of flame

Break your bad habits
With a karate chop—which
Can break anything!

Stabbing yourself with
A knife will make all of your
Problems seem silly

Hey kids, I’m sorry
But Santa’s obesity
Has led to his death

You’ll never catch up
On all your work—it’s best to
Set fire to your desk

The bad news is that
Once again you have chosen
To read of your doom

Don’t listen to those
Who’d dump upon your dream to
Ride a unicorn

Horrible news—it
Seems somehow you’ve contracted
The Bieber fever

The power to bring
World peace is in your hands—just
Agree to not sing

In the game of life
There are no losers, only—
No, wait—you HAVE lost

You’ll have a nightmare
In which you read these words—so
Now where do things stand?

Delirious with
The flu, you will enjoy some
Food from McDonald’s

The generation
Gap will widen so far you’ll
Be burned as a witch

You’re in a win-win
Situation—you lose and
Both enemies win

Join a cult—I would
Not say that normally, but
I don’t much like you

Painful memories

Will fade this week as you make

New, more painful ones

The worst thing you can
Do in this situation
Is spoon with the bear

Spend your honeymoon
In the unearthly hell of
The eighth dimension

Base all decisions
On how “metal” the options
Are—that’s true wisdom

The less time you spend
Hanging out with that robot
Monkey, the better

Stephen King just thought
Of a cool new way to kill

Beat the summer blues
After incarnating them
Through magical spells

This week you will turn
Into a zombie, so don’t
Bother to make plans

Stay calm and don’t freak
Out, but I think I set fire
To, like, everything

Don’t forget to pack
A pair of nice skin for the
Nudist colony

The hellish torment
In wait for your soul is no
Reason to be glum

Invest in a pair
Of binoculars and you
Will never be bored

When you put it that
Way, I DO want you to stop
Sawing off my leg

You won’t improve as
A writer until you learn
Some sort of language

Drinking tea can help
You relax, but drinking rat
Poison won’t, really

The last thing you should
Do is perish when soon the
Apocalypse comes

The flamingo on
Your lawn comes to life when you’re
Not home—and gets drunk

A magical race
Of elves lives inside of your
Intestinal tract

Survival Quiz: A
Zombie bursts through the nearest
Door: What do you do?

If I have to hear
One more time about how you
Saved the world, I’ll puke

Keep telling yourself
That the radiation is
Sure to grant powers

Your life is in grave
Danger, but there’s really not
Much that you can do

Anything that you
Want to achieve, you can—but
Only in your dreams

God will reveal to
You that the purpose of life
Is to amuse cats

I don’t know what to
Say to you when you pull out
Your eyeballs like that

Your future’s clouded…
It’s possible that you will
Travel back in time

Burton Cummings will
Reveal himself as a great,
Powerful wizard

When you were paid to
Take a dive they meant in the
Boxing ring, moron

Cut back on coffee—
Start slow, by just taking it
Orally instead

Trust me, and name your
Dog “Lunch”—the reactions will
Be hilarious

The reason your yard
Is full of stray dogs is that
Your dog’s a hooker

Don’t be afraid to
Poke the alien warlord
In his pulsing ribs

Your long struggle to
Ruin your own life will pay
Off very shortly

Your belt’s nice, but it’s
Made out of dolphin eyeballs
Which just goes too far

My advice is to
Stop listening to all the
Bad advice I give

Don’t let life get you
Down, but don’t let false hope get
You up — maybe crouch

Put your fears aside
And put your hand into the
Maw of the wild wolf

If you have to learn
What “Epic Fail” means then you
Become its meaning

Lay off the milk a
Little when your bones start to
Grow out through your skin

Your ‘mating dance’ is
Eerily similar to
The ‘locomotion’

Shake up your routine
Lather up with kerosene
And shave with a match

You’ll have second thoughts
About joining the ranks of
The hellbound undead

You’ll be invited
To give the keynote at the
Loser Conference

Stop referring to
Your airplane tickets as your
“Mutant flight powers”

Grain elevators
Are not a good real estate
Investment, it seems

Although you love your
Country, it only likes you
As a distant friend

Keep the dumpster near
Your place clean — one day it will
Become your new place

Go tell it on the
Mountain — spread your message of
Love to wayward goats

Set your house on fire
Now to avoid the surprise
Of a fire later

Learn to sort the wheat
From the chaff if you want to
Be a wheat farmer

You will go to an
Orgy this week, which will end
Once you step indoors

Michael Bay will buy
The rights to your life story
Since it really sucks

The antivirus
Program on your computer
Won’t stop the swine flu

Ignore the name — buy
Stock in FraudCo and buy a
Hell of lot, now

Life will get back to
Normal once you can fix the
Flux capacitor

You should name your child
“Dracula” — this will bring him
Good luck with Goth chicks

Don’t pass over the
Opportunity to be
My latest victim

The zodiac looks
Up to Libra, hoping for
Spontaneous death

Your meth-head cousin
Will give you the best gift a
Meth-head can give: meth

Half the challenge of
Alligator wrestling is
Not getting turned on

Critical studies
Of Walker, Texas Ranger
Will soon have their day

Keep your valuables
In this safe that I myself
Will provide you with

Learn to tie a tie
And then learn to tie your tie
To a car bumper

You’ll be reminded
Of your high school days when you’re
Kicked square in the gut

Dracula wants to
Rent your spare room, and will be
A quiet tenant

Don’t let the police,
The trial judge, or your lawyer
Tell you what to do

If there’s anything
I can do to help you through
This tough time, don’t ask

You should worry less
About the economy,
More about that wolf

Try dating out of
Your league, and into the league
Of the human race

Next time you buy jeans
Don’t get the ones with the pre-
Ripped hole in the crotch

Your tendency to
Confuse cars with lamps will lead
To some strange events

I once met someone
Who thought these horoscopes were
Real — this is no joke

With proper training
You may one day become a
Rock star’s one-night stand

Writing a strongly
Worded letter to George Bush
Is the worst revenge

America has
Spoken and you are to be
That nation’s scapegoat

Without bootstraps I
Don’t know how you’ll pull yourself
Up out of this mess

I don’t see any
Harm in taking that wooden
Horse into your bed

You could reduce your
Carbon footprint if you stopped
Setting shoes on fire

Do not invite the
Vampire in, or he’ll try to
Sell you insurance

The way to your heart
Is through your stomach—you should
See a doctor soon

Take a trip to find
Yourself—and if you DO find
Yourself, murder you

Don’t abandon your
Plans—you don’t know how close you
Are to your lame goals

Get your head out of
The clouds before it’s taken
Off by an airplane

I’ll bet you thought that
Being the Mermaid King would
Involve less warring

You need more friends in
High places, and less friends who
Live in the sewers

No matter how good
You are, no casino will
Let you play Skip-Bo

Your ex-lover is
Suing to have name removed
From your genitals

There will be many
Awkward moments this week, when
You watch The Office

These are actually
Secret codes that tell Tom Cruise
What you are doing

Pop quiz—a zombie
Bursts through the window nearest
To you—what’s your move?

Try to be honest
This week when you are called to
Take the witness stand

Later, you will look
Back on this time in life as
“The Explosion Years”

That pipe makes you look
Sophisticated, but it
Is plotting your death

Invite family
Over for dinner — yeah, that’s
Real good advice, stars!

I don’t know what you
Did to piss off Oprah, but
Your life is forfeit

Save walking into
The sunset for moments when
You have done something

Yes — although I’m not
A licensed psychic, I am
A registered fraud

As preparation
For his next role, Daniel Day-
Lewis will kill you

You wimp, don’t call the
Exterminator, just tame
All the cockroaches

You really need a
Reality check — look, there’s
No such thing as “cheese”

After all this time,
You’ll find you’re a character
In a magic book

You’ll make more friends with
Sugar than dynamite, but
Who wants boring friends?

Soon your animal
Guides will lead you to the woods
And there devour you

Don’t make much ado
About nothing — Shakespeare has
Beaten you to it

Give the boot to your
Insecurities — they need
Some sturdier boots

A property feud
Will begin this week over
Your newly bald patch

Why you befriended
That porcupine I don’t know,
But stop petting it

‘Happiness comes from
Home restoration’ — that is
A real horoscope

You’ll catch more flies with
Honey than with that magic
Thimble collection

You may not know it
But you are next in line for
The wombat kingship

Take some ‘you’ time this
Week, and ignore the voices
Of your furniture

There’s no accounting
For taste, and so you’ve failed your
Accounting exams

You should have listened
To your mother, and not the
Leader of that cult

Let’s get one thing straight:
I’m not responsible if
You believe this crap

Before you begin
Life with your blonde goddess, you
Must murder Dagwood

Venture out of your
Comfort Zone this week — into
The Forbidden Zone

You can't judge a book

By its cover — “Booty Hounds”

May be a sweet tale

The great god Marduk
Is the god to beat — who will
Say otherwise? You?

Christians are their own proof that
Evolution’s wrong

Whether come Hell or
High water, this week will be
A huge disaster

It’s proper to tip
Ten or fifteen percent, not
To tip a canoe

Quit asking questions
Of your magic mirror — it’ll
Wreck your self-esteem

New furniture should
Be your next purchase, after
A thousand vipers

Your sign is really
Ophiuchus — therefore, you
Are totally screwed

You will follow a
Conventional life with a
Truly bizarre death

Something in the air
This week tells me that you have
Been eating baked beans

This week, you will be
Murdered as you are napping —
By your trampoline!

Underground bunkers
Will not be of much use in
The coming Mole Wars

No one will believe
Your story about getting
High with the Buddha

When you wake tonight
To find a group of ninjas
In your house, act shocked

A stitch in time may
Save nine, or unravel our
Dimension’s fabric

Sure, that puppet is
Made from a sock, but he makes
More money than you

Your only option
Is to build the cockroaches
A private bathroom

Before the final
Battle starts, take advantage
Of the awesome deals

Money doesn’t grow
On trees, though it IS made from
Trees … invest in trees

Nice guys finish last —
Bet on the horse that spits on
The other horses

“A good deed is its
Own reward” — remove this from
The WANTED poster

Hit the dance floor and
Shake that groove thing you purchased
From the Boogie Barn

All you want is love?
Tell you what, I’ll trade you love
For dirty, cheap sex

As the price of oil
Rises, your hair will become
The envy of kings

Dragons aren’t real — you
Must explain this to the one
About to eat you

Your daily intake
Of heavy metal is at
A dangerous low

You really have to
Stop using the Stargate to
Try and meet women

A little bit of
Love goes a long way — such is
The hitchhiker’s creed

Look deep into your
Soul to discover where you
Left your rainbow wig

The path to wisdom
Lies before you — better go
To the bathroom first

This is a good week
For finishing projects, like
That porno film script

Gluing your lips to
Your lover’s — a romantic
But ill-conceived move

I do not think that
Lighting your fart can be called
A blaze of glory

Young love will triumph –
Despite your best efforts, those
Babies will elope

This is awkward – it
Looks like you grabbed Gabriel’s
Trumpet, not your own

In many ways, your
Ridiculous sitcom is
Not unlike Shakespeare

Hold off buying an
iPod till they announce the
iPod: Chip-in-Head

Just go with the flow—
At some point the waterfall
Will be behind you

Snakeskin is out. What’s
In style now is wearing a
Live snake for a belt.

You’ll make your last prank
Phone call this week when, by some
Fluke, you dial Satan

Let’s just say that this
Christmas you’re going to need
A lot of Egg Nog

Chuck? Yeah, he chucked all
That wood. Don’t believe what that
Woodchuck has to say.

Those cute children know
About your fear of lemons
And their stand taunts you

They say that Hell is
Other people but I think
It might just be you

Ravens are quite smart—
Don’t underestimate your
Raven enemies

Monkey see, monkey
Do. Think about what you are
Teaching your monkey.

Another day and
Another dollar. You need
To ask for a raise.

If you play with fire
You’re going to attract that
Sexy arsonist

The truth will set you
Free, or perhaps condemn you—
What’d you do again?

Paint with fury, with
A passion for life. Also,
Paint shit that don’t suck

On one hand, you make
A good point. On the other
Hand, shut the Hell up.

Man, there’s plenty to
Fear aside from fear itself—
What about werewolves?

You will lose five pounds
This week! — so begins your dark
Harrowing journey

The stilts are cool but
They are not the best choice for
Posh social functions

Anyone who would
Call you at 6 am is
Not really your friend

You will lose your cell
Phone this week—the most peaceful
Week you’ll ever have

You know what? Enough
Of this bullshit. Get me on
A rocket to Mars

Hey, guess what? You will
Never get this moment of
Your life back again

You should have listened
To your guidance counselor
And been a fluffer

Yes, the hippo is
Hungry, but not for marbles—
For passionate love

Do not leave your spouse
Alone with that wrecking ball—
It's a home-wrecker

Your ponytail will
Become infected this week
I do not know how

Use your head, not your
Heart, to solve problems. Rolling
Dice works well also

Read deeper into
These horoscopes. They apply
To your life, don’t they?

Hey, are the pandas
Fucking yet? Anyone still
Watching the pandas?

This week the stars want
You to clean up my place — I
Just report it, man

You’ll get sick again
This week — time to give up your
All-roadkill diet

It’s high time that we
Took Brandon by force. Who’s with
Me? Raise up your blades!

Take a refreshing
Shower. In this shower, here.
What? What could be wrong?

Your dog’s been acting
Strange, and this week you’ll learn why
—he’s screwing the cat

It’s about time for
You to accept the fact that
Elvis really died

Your Kama Sutra
For Virgins has a fatal
Marketing problem

You will turn into
A pillar of salt if you
Keep eating fast food

Aliens, you say?
No, I think it might have been
The moonshine, Cletus

After this week, you’ll
No longer trust weasels. Why
Were you trusting them?

All work and no play
Will lead to riches—I don’t
Know what Jack told you

You can only count
On death, taxes, and, of course,
On an abacus

Gay marriage may scare
You, but remember: no one
Wants to marry you

They laughed at you when
You did your comedy act
And you’ll have revenge

Like a turtle, you
Have a hard outer shell, but
Inside are good food

Skills will increase as you learn
A new word for pain

Ah, money. First you
Bought me happiness, and now
You’re buying me love.

You are the lost king
Of Winnipeg, begin to
Act accordingly

Your cat doesn’t love
You, and what’s more, it’s being
Fed by someone else

If you are drinking
Decaf, reevaluate
This whole “coffee” thing

Where the Hell are all
The clones? I was promised clones.
Man, the future sucks.

Nothing can be done
Now about your decision
To eat that whole horse

If there’s anyone
Who deserves what’s coming to
Them this week, it’s you

Ask out that cute girl
At work, odds are she’s waiting
For you to slip up

You will rise and fall
From greatness this week, after
Inventing flubber

That strange lump isn’t
A tumor, you’re just growing
Yourself a third arm

Your computer is
Running a virus—pour some
Soup in the disk drive

That gopher in the
Yard is your own Moby Dick
You’ll die hunting him

A fresh coat of paint
Is all you need to finish
Off your torture room

I’m no expert on
Anatomy but I don’t
Think that that goes there

You’ve got to trust me
The secret to getting girls
Is a big belly

The third time’s the charm
Your on/off relationship
Is destined to work

The eyes are windows
To the soul, and your mouth is
A portal to Hell

Words cannot express
How strongly I feel about
You putting on pants

That Billy kid from
The Family Circus won’t
Escape from my hounds

Bad news: you’ll get bit
By a werewolf this week. The
Good news: you’re tasty

Let’s call a spade a
Spade. Why do you insist on
Complicating things?

Throughout the ages
One thing has remained constant:
No one loving you

Your car will break down
This week, so sit there and just
Listen to it talk

It’s summer, so that
Isn’t yellow snow; I’m sure
That you can eat it

Rock and Roll won’t die
Its corpse will keep rotting out
More pop-punk maggots

Let’s take a moment
To remember Brando, not
As he died, but thin

Well, your abduction
By demons will come as less
Of a surprise now

Remember when the
Cold War was at its height? Ah,
Times were simpler then

Your life this week will
Be rated “R” though there will
Be no nudity

Don’t let your life be
Ruled by fear. Why run from the
Axe-wielding madman?

As the Chosen One
You must lead the rest of us
Over to Ed’s place

Give the Devil his
Due, after all he beat you
In that horseshoe toss

The Olsen twins have
Made billions with their talents
For being alive

Why make friends? They will
Only abandon you, like
The cast of Friends did

Without marketing
You’re nothing—you might as well
Just kill yourself now

Sex with the flutist—
Some groupies simply have no
Self-respect at all

With great power comes—
Holy shit, I’ve got power!

Leave the shotgun at
Home when you are out hunting
For some photo ops

Take what you can get
Even if it’s just stale pop
And a few matches

You will begin a
Revolution in the way
People grate cheddar

I’ve been consulting
Some star maps and it looks like
We’re near Oprah’s house

There is a thin red
Line that separates you from
The cool bar-goers

You’re just dyslexic
Your dog does not have to die
To absolve your sins

Okay, is someone
Going to kill Carrot Top
Or do I have to?

Make some extra cash
Renting your radiator
To that nice lady

Getting behind in
Your reading? Create a world
Where books are outlawed

You might be taking
Your weekly book club subjects
Too seriously

Your online handle
Demands not only your time
But also your soul

Don’t compromise your
Artistic vision. Give that
Snowman genitals.

Spouse taking you for
Granted? Sell their heart to the
Black market. Hurry!

You shall be cursed to
Never rest until you buy
Yourself a Serta

Say it with flowers
You will sever their life source
And watch them die slow

Yes, that is L. Ron
Hubbard in your closet—and
Yes, you should kill him

Now that your chickens
Have hatched, nothing can stop you–
Show mercy to none

Well, Dr. Einstein,
You’ve created giant ants
What’s your next great plan?

Don’t worry this week
Just be happy and ignore
The tremendous squid

You have no excuse
For not building a working
Bridge out of toothpicks

Goddammit, for the
Last time, obey the laws of

While on vacation
You will spend a wild night with
A heat-crazed mongoose

You’ll wake up in a
Ditch this week, an improvement
Over the gutter

Whenever life gives
You lemons, tell life to stop
Trying to be cute

This week won’t go well
Why don’t you just blame a goat
For that or something

Your car will get towed
Since it’s inevitable
Don’t pay the meter

Diplomacy calls
For you to compromise and
At least put shorts on

You ask: “Why haikus?”
Well, I could ask you the same
Question, couldn’t I?

Racial tensions will
Erupt this week as Earth is
Conquered by Martians

Because of Mars’s
Recent position, you can
Expect birthday cards

If you happen to
Be a jewel thief then I
Have a job for you

There’s nothing funny
About being a Libra
This week, believe me

Grey skies are going
To clear up, so give thanks to
Zeus, Lord of the Skies

Through a series of
Strange events, you will become
A great waffle cook

Vodka and ducks do
Not mix well, unless the ducks
Get run through blenders

Life is more fun now
That you’ve stopped worrying and
Started smoking crack

Big Brother might watch
You if you hired new writers
To add some plot twists

Truth isn’t pretty
But it has a certain charm
Like a talking rat

Watch for animals
Crossing the road; it's a good
Way to save on meat

That the squirrel beat
You at chess is amazing
On many levels

You’ve tried Tantric Sex
Now try ice cream with pickles
Hold on for the ride

Juggling those wombats
Is a great way to impress
Psychotic women

Then again, if that
Guy got that grant to kick that
Can around, who knows

Don’t be afraid to
Be yourself around others—
Be afraid of trolls

Mixing food with sex
Is all fun and games until
You lose the hot dogs

Please stop referring
To your dark masturbation
Den as “The Matrix”

Every day is a
Good day for Bob Marley to
Rise up from the dead

You sure can be mean
But with a little practice
You can be evil

Give the people what
They want and surrender your
Wallet and car keys

Those crocodile tears
Aren’t fooling anyone—we
All know you’re upset

This week you will burn
A CD, toppling the whole
Music industry

You won’t get far in
Life with only your courage
And a rabid yak

Sadly, the rise of
Our robot overlords will
Cramp your dating style

If that talking dog
Harasses you one more time
I think you’ll lose it

Your time is up now
Perhaps you should buy a watch
And junk the hourglass

Liberate Libra!
I’m told this can be done through
Some sort of orgy

You may now know that
Jenny is from the block but
You still do not care

Take some time to stop
And smell the roses that I
Laced with chloroform

You can never have
Enough money, power, or
Potato chips, man

No, this is not the
Greatest horoscope in the
World, it’s a tribute

Next Valentine’s Day
Stick with roses instead of
Man-eating flowers

Do what the man with
The chainsaw for a hand says
And give him sugar

Make some zany friends
Hilarity will ensue
Sell the rights to FOX

It’s interesting
How you came to think that your
Talk did not bore me

You gots to get paid
But saying that won’t help in
The job interview

Whoever said that
Wolverines ruled the planet
Was out of his mind

One day your past will
Catch up to you — When that day
Comes, gun the motor

Time waits for no man
Get your ass into gear and
Hop in the damn car

Oh man, I can not
Believe that you ate all of
That garlic sausage

A virus will kill
All life on this earth if you
Don’t lower your arms

Put more cow bell on
The album—you are going
To want that cow bell

There are not enough
Helpful robots in the world
Make a career change

Only the lonely
Know the pain of not trading
Funny Simpsons quotes

It appears that you
Have little to fear from the
Brain-eating zombies

The message your art
Is sending out to the world
Is just like junk mail

You let the genie
Out of the bottle, now you
Get to shut your mouth

With only string beans
MacGyver will foil your plan
To break up with him

You will be annoyed
By those little tiny flies
What’s the deal with them?

Nothing will stop you
From your sworn duty to save
Ten a week for porn

Guns don’t kill people
Ignore what the murderer
Says and arrest him

The Golden Rule is
Not about stealing other
People’s precious gold

Don’t play the blame game
It is missing pieces and
I'm returning it

The battle of wits
Between you and the wombat
Will end in a tie

Quit talking about
Your biggest fan as if it
Was not a machine

The place for trash is
In the garbage can, not in
Your fragile psyche

Become a cyclist
Then it will be easier
For me to catch you

If an alien
Bursts from your stomach make a
Joke about seafood

If your kite gets stuck
In a tree don’t cut it down
That’s what nukes are for

Spring is the season
For misguided attempts to
Win her affection

You will become a
Movie star, just not the kind
That wears any clothes

Remember what the
Devil said, Joe’s all in your

Your joy at learning
To read will be dampened by
Your reading of this

Be kind to others
When the robots take over
Then you will need friends

I know your future
I am wise and powerful
Can I bum a smoke?

Your beliefs will be
Tested and will lose marks for
Always choosing “C”

Remember what your
Mom said about kicking dogs
They are total jerks

Lava lamps are good
Volcano lamps are better
Get them while they’re hot

True wisdom declares
Arbil is Libra backwards
I hate writer’s block

Eating cheese will not
Show you the meaning of life
But who cares? Cheese RULES!!!

If you want to sell
Worthless shit, just hold contests
Car dealers know this

About Our Practice

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Contact Info

12345 West Elm Street

Phone: 1.888.456.7890

Fax: 1.888.654.9876

Web: Buy Avada Today!