Leo2018-05-04T13:27:14+00:00

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Get more stylish with
A dead ostrich stapled to
A velveteen cape

There’s more than one way
To skin a cat, including
Prolonged psychic war

Your pet rabbit is
Jealous of the attention
You pay to that stew

Don’t be such a square—
Only triangles get to
Hang out in this town

Educational
Value of your chicken and
Pine tree porn? Endless

Don’t rely on the
Kindness of strangers unless
You have a great bod

You won’t be second
Fiddle after you murder
That smarmy fiddle

As Derrida says,
You’re an asshole for always
Quoting Derrida

Getting C4 on
Your pizza? It probably
Seemed smart at the time

Your methods of non-
Violent resistance won’t work
Well against zombies

Raising that pig like
A boy who was raised by pigs
Accomplished little

Many times I have
Wondered how King Kong thought the
Romance would have worked

You just might beat your
Littering charge by calling
It a geocache

It may be time to
Replace your pager and your
Betamax unit

They say you can’t teach
An old dog new tricks, but that
Dog learned to hate you

If you aren’t eating
Chicken brains on ice with leeks
What are you eating?

Another Buffett
Gem: “Put your money in an
Account of some kind”

Buy an eggplant and
Consider devoting your
Life to its worship

You will go blind if
You keep staring at biker
James “The Sun” Murphy

The windiest wind
That ever winded will soon
Wind into your wind

Only you can make
My heart complete—give me back
My left ventricle!

You’d be a better
Boss if you let employees
Bury the fallen

Soon your favourite
Chair will be taken by a
Guest, so end it all

Do what Paul Simon
Says and buy some shoe-diamonds
—The ultimate bling

The poisonous snakes
You let loose on the plane have
Fallen on hard times

Don’t tell me how to
Live my life in the werewolf
Nightclub underworld

Don’t let your love of
Marmosets blind you to their
Terrible evil

You need to branch out
And consider writing songs
That don’t concern cats

Who would have thought that
Nuclear power would be
Somewhat dangerous?

The last thing you need
Is another mouth to feed—
Give up the zombie

As the election
Draws nigh, become more resigned
To Snoop Dogg losing

Often, if you get
These jokes, it means that you have
Or once had no life

Try role-playing in
The bedroom—yes, you will need
A twelve-sided die

Why haven’t you made
A twitter account for your
Stupid dead pet fish?

Three times you will find
Yourself denying that you
Want the anal probe

You’ll find yourself up
To your eyeballs in other
Assorted eyeballs

You have a certain
Flair and a sense of fashion
That gets you nowhere

Nothing good can come
Of your decision to breed
Vipers with firebombs

Eat more fruit and spend
More time creepily staring
While you’re eating it

With Christmas shopping
Not yet done, you will wake to
A nightmarish world

The devil’s in the
Details, so exorcise your
OCD neighbour

You are a modern
Alexander—not “the Great”
But some unknown one

Your vision of a
Future where you read the word
“Glop” has come to pass

Don’t fret—you will be
Reincarnated as a
Smelly, bloated corpse

Let’s get down to brass
Tacks—your store “Tacks and Nothing
Else” will not do well

Replace your veins with
Gold circuitry—this will be
The ultimate bling

Your finances will
Take a hit when you invest
In passenger dogs

The literary
Value of your e-mails is
Hotly debated

One thing that I don’t
Advise is whatever you
Planned to do this week

There will be Hell to
Pay when you borrow money
From Satan himself

The welcome wagon
In your new neighborhood is
Driven by demons

Don’t take your anger

Out on the tentacle beasts

From Zyklon-7

However the wolves
Got a hold on your legs, you
Need to deal with it

Dan Brown’s next novel’s
About a code Langdon finds
In Alphagetti

Another week and
One more restraining order
For your collection

You’ll be written out
Of the will unless you spend
One night with a ghost

As you near the end
Of your life, remember to
Leave me your money

Don’t let a little
Thing like a string of murders
Sully your birthday

If the Eighties come
Back one more time I swear that
No one will survive

Look, in the worst-case
Scenario, you can leave
The corpses out back

Shakespeare’s ghost says to
Stop quoting him and to cough
Up some royalties

Unless TV has
Lied to you, your problems will
Be solved by angels

Look, I’ll tell you a
Secret: Smokey the Bear’s the
One setting those fires

If I can convince
You of a single thing it’s
The rightness of pants

Don’t be afraid to
Let the psychotic killer
Into your kitchen

Your rich, luscious hair
Will snag you another poor,
Greasy stalker creep

You can always count
On one thing: the hungry mouths
Of really fast wolves

Instead of hanging
Fuzzy dice from your car, try
Hanging the guilty

Cancel your hydro
Because all you need now is
The power of love

Do not stop thinking
About tomorrow lest you
Incur Fleetwood’s wrath

You’ll never find true
Love, but you’ll win a free hat
So it balances

Planting the bomb in
A bomb factory was a
Clever move, buddy

While you were sleeping
Somebody planted a bomb
Inside your left foot

If you ever want
A shoulder to cry on, then
Get the hell away

After many weeks
Of tension, the ghosts will ask
That you kindly leave

You won’t receive that
Grant to study the sex lives
Of granting bodies

You must believe in
Miracles if you ever
Want to have more sex

Microsoft’s gearing
Up to very soon release
Windows: The Rapture

A side effect of
Reading these horoscopes is
Sudden instant death

The logic of your
“Clouds cause rain, rain floods, so let’s
Murder the clouds”—sound

In times of trouble
Take solace in knowing I
Laugh at your problems

When your hairs starts to
Fall out, don’t worry, it is
Just an ancient curse

Settle in by a
Warm fire to tell the tale of
Your arson career

Admit that you just
Got married for the chance to
Say “my ball and chain”

Join the circus as
“The Clown Whose Days Are Marked By
The Sorrows of Death”

Sex may sell, but it
Can’t sell chastity belts—fire
Your marketing staff

The world of fiction
Will be revitalized by
The things you think suck

The economy
Being what it is, you should
Accept the blowjob

You’ve got the Midas
Touch, except what you touch turns
Into spoiled hot dogs

You will die this week
Like you do every other
Week — get that checked out

Run for the hills if
You want some of that crazy
Hillbilly lovin’

Take some time out from
A hectic day to reflect
On your killing spree

You’ll have to learn to
Enjoy the little things in
Life, like parasites

Your attraction to
Your coworker will grow to
Become a lawsuit

Marilyn Manson
Was in town recently, which
Explains everything

Live in the woods from
Now on, and leave all of your
Belongings to me

You’ll go back in time
This week — try not to hit on
Your own ancestors

I’d name your new boat
The Titanic II — why not?
Also, sail northward

Who are you trying
To fool? Solomon Grundy
Was not born last week

Don’t let your guard down
When you are hanging around
With laser-eyed wolves

Relationships must
Start out right — be honest and
Admit the murders

It’s official: you
Are the only person left
Who still spirographs

The Group of Seven
Will invite you to join their
Ranks — those of the dead

Take time to grow this
Week, into a hybrid plant-
Slash-timber-wolf thing

Venus is in the
House, which means get ready for
A killer party

I can tell that you’re
Star material — now take
Off your top for me

A trip to the store
Will bring excitement, with the
Building’s implosion

Because you have stopped
Listening to the band The
Saints, your soul is doomed

You should always be
Learning — next, learn to ignore
The advice I give

It’s absurd, the charge
That I’ve sold this ad space to
The stellar iPhone

Leprechaun’s gold is
Not real, when you find some just
Mail it out to me

Whatever you do
This week, don’t open up that
Box of Pandora’s

Marrying that goat
Was the best decision you
Made — a sad, sad truth

In your new suit you
Look like a million bucks just
Fled from your wallet

Worshipping that snake
Goddess means you are on the
Right track finally

Shoot for the moon, and
You will be arrested for
Discharging firearms

The lion is your
Sign — your sign to get the hell
Out of that den, fast

You’ve caught more flies with
Honey, and now it’s time to
Enjoy a fly feast

Julie, you have got
To stop thinking these haikus
Are all about you!

You should say “yes” more
Than you do — say “yes” to the
Gunman’s crazed demands

I thought you’d learn … look,
Don’t buy any more clocks from
Salvador Dali

Your recipe for
Blackbird pie will be stolen
By a chain pie store

I’m thinking this week
You should start ignoring all
That “reality”

You should have gotten
More than a sandwich through your
Deal with the devil

Don’t do it—nothing
Is worth having to listen
To you sing “Feelings”

Hiring “Weird Al” to
Write your wrestling theme was not
The best career choice

Your idea that
Talk is cheap will be changed by
A charge of slander

Since you can’t join the
Killer bees, your options are
Greatly limited

Shaving with a straight
Razor is fine, but maybe
Not for manscaping

The possessed doll you
Bought at the yard sale will fetch
Good coin on eBay

Your bobbleheads are
Plotting to kill you—just ask
Them, they will agree

Your childhood love of
Frogs has become a very
Adult perversion

Don’t be shy, shout it
From the rooftops! Otherwise
You’ll never get down

The devil you don’t
Know is still better than The
Devil in Miss Jones

By accident you’ll
Buy the salt-less crackers, which
Will be the last straw

Don’t let emotions
Cloud your judgment—the machines
Deserve to rule us

Exterminators
From the future will come to
Murder your pet rat

Your accomplishments
Pale next to those of your dog—
You’ve lived quite the life

Life this week will be
A fairytale, and you’ll be
Eaten by a troll

You’ll become a great
Chef when you discover the
Fabled “ginreglic”

I hate to tell you
But you shouldn’t have studied
Steamboat maintenance

You will find your way
Out of the hedge maze to see
Twenty years have passed

You’ll go three-for-three
This week—three maulings and three
Hospital visits

The grass is always
Greener in the yard where the
Bodies are buried

Enjoy a quiet
Evening at home after you
Kill the neighbour’s dog

Get over your fear
Of giant metal missile-
Launching spider-bots

Try expressing your
Emotions through poetry —
I could use a laugh

Don’t waste your time with
Worry — after all, you don’t
Have much more time left

Living inside the
Sewers is less glamorous
Than Splinter told you

What stayed in Vegas:
Your money, your dignity,
And your self-respect

Your new career as
A foot model will bring you
Much creepy fortune

This week you will wish
That you had been kinder to
Eleanor Rigby

Cut the kinky stuff —
No one wants to screw in a
Decomposing whale

Talking to yourself
Is fine, but stop mailing long
Letters to yourself

Keep your spirits high —
They’re less likely to haunt you
If they stay real stoned

You know what you have
To do — spend all your savings
On a moon fortress

Your avatar this
Week is Venus, which means that —
Nothing. Means nothing.

Put your faith in the
Advice of madmen who think
The stars speak to them

Just keep working hard
And this year you will make it
Onto the G-list

In your darkest hour
Know that I would be with you
If I gave a crap

The sky’s the limit —
Outer space is just a mad,
Blasphemous untruth

Before you get all
defensive, take stock — were you
Wrong to stab that child?

Your fate is written
In the stars, but we spelled your
Name wrong, I’m sorry

I can’t really say
Too much, but start investing
In ox blood and storms

You’ll smell a rat this
Week — and it will be wearing
The finest perfume

Curiosity
Killed the cat, satisfaction
Raised it from the grave

Don’t be so uptight —
Sometimes you have to let your
Hair down, Rapunzel

Impress your lover

With a firebrand that clearly

Marks them as your own

After the smoke clears
You will never badmouth Puff
The dragon again

Your suspicion that
You are being stalked by a
Flock of geese is true

A watched pot never
Boils — but it’s not going to
Burgle you either

You will be fined for
Bursting into flames in a
Non-smoking section

Better the devil
You know than the devil who
Gave you amnesia

The ant farm was fun
But the termite farm was a
Bad, bad idea

Don’t be a sucker —
Hold out for a discount on
William Shatner’s piss

Hell will become full
And your apartment will be
Annexed for more space

Satan wants to know
Why you aren’t returning his
Calls about the couch

Like Romeo and
Juliet, the stars want to
Destroy your young love

Your dream to become
An astronaut will become
Real — for someone else

Maybe you can’t change
Your mind, but you can at least
Change your underwear

Renting your basement
As a “Mafia Storage
Area” was dumb

This week you’ll evolve
Into a higher life form:
That’s right, a virus

An evil genius
Pays you a compliment — what
Is his fiendish plot?

This week you will bite
The hand that feeds you—not a
Smart move, Armless Joe

Over dinner, you
Will settle on the team name
“King Angel Go Force!”

You may be punk rock
Now, but one day you’ll regret
Piercing your anus

The shoe is on the
Other foot now — which makes two
Shoes on your left foot

When looking for work
Assess your potential to
Steal from employers

Blame it on the rain —
It’s a good song, but not a
Good legal defense

This week you’ll learn that
The songs on the radio
Aren’t addressing you

Nothing new this week —
Jughead eats burgers, Betty’s
Sad, your madness grows

I hate to tell you,
But the rats voted you out
Of the apartment

Follow your heart and
Tell the snake charmer how much
His snakes mean to you

When the end comes and
God asks what you’ve done, tell him
About your sex tapes

Breakfast is the most
Important meal of the day
So hold it hostage

Don't worry — one day
St. Patrick will come to drive
The snakes from the plane

Dedicate your life
To playing the spoons — only
Then will you find peace

Your reality
TV show, Celebrity
Boobs, will make you rich

Play it safe — take a
“Get out of Jail Free” card to
Your court appearance

That dog’s bark is much
Bigger than his bite – no, I
Don’t know penis size

A pig’s penis does
Corkscrew, but it shouldn’t be
Used to open wine

A penny for your
Thoughts – hmm, looks like you came out
Ahead on the deal

Your life story will
Strike even the hardest hearts
As really boring

Eat healthier – start
Cannibalizing people
Who go to the gym

I know you shouldn’t
Pet a burning dog, but that
Dog needs cheering up

You’ll rocket to fame
After falling asleep in
A missile silo

This week you will come
To realize that “liger”
Is not that funny

You and that jackal
Aren’t as great a comedy
Team as you had hoped

Norris is Bush’s
Favourite actor. Bush is
Norris’s puppet.

You’ve got the Midas
Touch when it comes to making
Situations worse

What, do you want a
Medal for averting that
Air strike or something?

Do not forget to
Recycle – our new insect
Masters demand it

Eating sushi off
A stripper is about as
Classy as you get

I know, talking dogs
Don’t exist – that’s no reason
To ignore wisdom

Here’s a tip: when the
Cyclops catches you, tell him
He’s looking more trim

Every rose has its
Thorn – come on everyone, I
Know you know the words

Take up a new sport
Your old one, urban hunting,
Was not going well

Like two peas in a
Pod, your testicles will turn
All shrunken and green

Your cell phone bill will
Be huge—that’s what you get for
Dating that Martian

Beware of people
Making fraudulent claims to
Perceive the future

A clown at night’s not
So scary—try a clown in
Your bed next morning

From one amateur
Stripper to another, let
Me speak a sad tale

Hey, do you know where
My Molotov cocktails went?
You what—you drank them?

Sorry but “Golden
Shower” doesn’t mean you’ll be
Showered with riches

You’ll lose a lot of
Blood this week—though I don’t see
Why you’re hoarding blood

You killed the dragon–
I’d be impressed if it was
Not the dragon Puff

Serenade your love
To win her heart—or, try your
Luck at Whack-a-Mole

Your peaceful fishing
Trip will be ruined by the
Rise of Cthulhu

Give me a high five
We need to celebrate your
Outstanding jailbreak

Like the best laid plans
Of mice, yours mostly involve
Getting some more cheese

You’re one of a kind
Which is why these scientists
Want to study you

Dracula wants to
Suck your blood—squeeze a pricey
Dinner date from him

Easter—one of the
Only times that your bunny
Suit is not creepy

You have to confront
Your fears. Go out and face that
Rabid wolverine

While you’re looking for
Sympathy, why don’t you try
The dictionary?

Don’t let that ninja’s
Teasing get to you. Also,
Avoid his swift kicks.

You can’t win if you
Don’t try. Then again, you can’t
Lose. Attempt stasis.

Don’t be worried, I
Heard that size doesn’t matter
Anyway. What? Oh.

Proper condom use
Will protect you from disease
But not from Satan

Scientists will find
Life on Mars this week, and then
You will sleep with it

Before you try to
Tame the lion, spread rumors
That you’re not tasty

This week you’ll lose your
Wisdom teeth, so hang on to
Your Ear of Courage

Got a touch of the
Flu? Try my home remedy—
Cutting out your heart

Winter’s not the time
For wearing your speedo—in
Fact, burn the speedo

The stripper may have
Given you her photo, but
You aren’t dating her

One of these days you’ll
Show that smarmy kangaroo
Who’s really the boss

Nobody knows more
Than you do about the best
Way to kill a goat

That cough isn’t a
Cold, it’s a “warm”—you are the
World’s first carrier

If you shoot for the
Stars, you might fail and lead a
Life of bitterness

You will make a lot
Of money this week, but you
Don’t want to know how

A good Christmas gift
Would be matching track suits for
You and that street bum

Your relationship
Is in trouble — you left the
Doll near the furnace

Why are you reading
This? Astrology’s a sin.
Didn’t you know that?

If you didn’t want
Me to make you that sandwich
You should have killed me

The riot police
Were right to club you after
That gas that you passed

Unless you start to
Wear a dollar sign around
Your neck, you are doomed

The tragic events
Of next week will leave you the
Last Leo alive

There are a lot of
Fish in the sea, just forget
About that white whale

Yes, it’s true that clothes
Make the man, but so do you,
Dr. Frankenstein

Someday you’ll regret
Selling your children into
Slavery—someday

The Incans had a
Saying: “Don’t anger Punchau”–
Sage advice this week

You may be onto
Something with your designs for
A fish bikini

I’ll take your advice
And I’ll file it right under
“G” — that’s for “Garbage”

The best things in life
Will cost you nothing more than
Your eternal soul

Do some Fall cleaning
Do you really need to keep
Both those conjoined twins?

Get yourself frozen
Until they find a cure for
“Reality” shows

You have to admit
You take some pleasure in the
Blow-up Urkel doll

If only you could
Have foreseen the pain that would
Come with castration

The pain was great, but
In the end the torture was
Lacking something—heart

Persevere, or else
All is lost, including that
Cookie with sprinkles

Start your own phone-sex
Line for some easy money
First, you’ll need suckers

Play your summer safe
Wear a hat, lots of sunblock
And don’t fall in love

Love isn’t all fun
And games, there’s a lot of rat
Droppings in the mix

My door is always
Open to you, and my traps
Will always be set

Your apartment will
Soon host an infestation
Of plush teddy bears

What the— Agent Dale
Cooper was in Showgirls? How
Far fall the mighty

It’s high time you and
Your sandwich got out
Of Dodge. Leave the milk.

Yeah, lobsters get boiled
Alive, but it serves them right
For having been born

Do not go to see
The Budweiser production
Of Shakespeare’s “King Beer”

Disaster will strike
You and all your loved ones down
Unless you change ties

The gondola—what
Better way to sail through the
Sewers of Venice?

Can’t we all agree
That we’ll disagree with this
Facile suggestion?

Zeus could come disguised
As a beggar, be prepared
With anti-Zeus spray

Oh, come on, you know
These aren’t specifically
About you, Julie

You talk a lot, but
You never talk about Shaft
I just can’t dig it

Chimps can teach us a
Lot about how to live, and
How to throw our crap

A pompadour is
The only thing missing from
Your life—so steal one!

You’ll be up to your
Ears in compliments this week
Forehead: still ugly

The truth can be a
Bitter pill–trying drinking it
With some orange juice

It’s time to give up
Your dream of falling but then
Not hitting the ground

Those ninja turtles
Used to be so popular
Now they’re cheap hookers

Just think—more people
Read these horoscopes than will
Read your brilliant poems

Whoops, you cut yourself
While you were shaving—here, let
Me deepen that cut

You will be Lynched this
Week and your head turned into
Pencil erasers

This bar may be like
A second home to you but
We aren’t your children

It’s time to unwind
Leave behind your old life at
The “Twisted Freak” tent

Simplify, man! Do
You really need both of your
Lungs? And stop blinking!

Here at the Haiku
Horoscope Company we
Value your money

Before you get your
Hopes up, know that Marilyn
Monroe is now dead

There’s just one rule here
At Super Fun World—watch out
For escaped cobras

Trouble with spelling?
For five grand I’ll see that your
Troubles go away

The Godfather will
Grant you one favour—but no
He won’t move his car

You will be given
A magic set for Xmas
And burned as a witch

The wind carries sweet
Plum blossoms to other lands
—Watch out for that ape!

Snakes are good pets, you
Just have to watch out in case
They try to kill you

First the oxen, now
This; Job, I think you deserve
An explanation

All things come to those
Who wait for them naked with
A can of whipped cream

You will be surprised
To see a roving gang of
Pigs wearing leather

I’m sorry, if there’s
No goat in your future then
It’s not worth telling

You know that Carly
Simon song? Well, it turns out
It WAS about you!

Watch out for icebergs
They are always trying to
Sell you insurance

Your intense hatred
Of Geminis knows no bounds
Nor any reason

The stars don’t quite know
How to break this to you, but
You’re out of the band

We could all learn an
Important lesson about
Life this week, but meh

I’ve only got nice
Things to say about Leos
Who threaten my life

One thing is certain
About the Loch Ness monster
It’s out to get you

It was a long week
But once again you’ve managed
To achieve nothing

The forecast this week
Is ugly with no chance of
Erotic showers

Nothing can prepare
You for the events of this
Week, but wear a hat

Spandex and mullets
Are two things that will never
Go out of fashion

It takes a big man
To admit he was wrong and
The weasels were mad

Your penchant for poor
Penguins will place you in quite
The predicament

Beware the cobra
Its venom is quick and its
Stories are boring

Dandelions are
Less ferocious than other,
More macho, lions

It’s a hard knock life
You claim, yet somehow you still
Find the time to sing

Cows are stupid, but
Somehow they will find a way
To ruin your life

That voice in your head
That tells you to kill will help
You write rap lyrics

Don’t let the hippies
Take away your right to own
An atomic bomb

Don’t buy a wiener
Dog — it will only make you
Feel inadequate

That ringing piece of
Plastic in your pocket will
Make you its new bitch

Martha Stewart has
Somehow baked herself a fresh
New public image

Give up that half-baked
Scheme to continue baking
The rest of that pie

Life has been good since
I planted subliminal
Messages in here

You'll learn that wrestling
Is fake after making it
Your new religion

Give peace a chance, and
While you’re at it sample this
New meat popsicle

Nothing good can come
Of your plot to spread evil
Across the whole world

Don’t mess with the man
Named Super Mad Pimpmaster
Double XL, yo

You won’t get into
Heaven with that attitude
And that dead baby

Like an onion, you
Have many layers, and you
Stink so much I cry

Get your lover some
Nice flowers this week, but not
Those mutant triffids

You’re not allowed to
Blame a nude shopping spree
A mid-life crisis

You will fall in love
This week — now, when I say ‘love’
I mean ‘a tar pit’

Risk is the game of
World domination and not
Passing your exams

O solo Leo
Improve your chances for love
With a paper bag

Nobody likes a
Braggart, but who needs friends when
You’re this talented?

Though they may be called
“Safety” pins, they do not make
Great presents for kids

You may not be rich
Or famous, but at least you’re
Not Michael Jackson

Expect the return
Of a lost love this week, a
Certain suave zombie

Staple submachine
Guns are an idea whose
Time has now come round

I don’t think you can
Put “a life of lies” on your
Acting resume

On second thought, the
Advice I gave you last week
Was meant for your dog

Be sure to finish
Your food, or starving children
Will steal it from you

Banging that pot and
That pan does not make you a
Heavy metal star

Hey, do you know what
They say about guys who write
Horoscopes? No? Good

If they gave out an
Award for acting — oh wait
Well, you still won’t win

Crap-flinging robots
Have an odd appeal that can
Transcend their down side

Your entire life
Story will be condensed in
An emoticon

Helping others is
Not meant to entail helping
Them get arrested

You will become a
Walking billboard this week, but
You will not notice

The pleasure of your
Company is marred by the
Length of your visits

Skill saws are less fun
But do not require as much
Skill as you might think

Annie is just fine
She’s tired of being hounded
Let her go, Michael

Your old friend Darkness
Is here to talk, and this time
Make some goddamn sense

Suspense is killing
You: Where in the world will that
Waldo turn up next?

The rain in Spain falls
Wherever it wants to—you
Aren’t the boss of it

You are just wasting
Ink writing that stupid script
For Ol’ Yellower

Your death this week will
Come as no surprise to your
Many enemies

Your belief that fire
Is cool stems from a simple
Misunderstanding

Don’t put the money
In a generic briefcase
Learn from Hollywood

Trafficking guns will
Not impress your girl so much
As scare her badly

Plant a tree this week
It will be your legacy
And your undoing

Buy an umbrella
You want to be prepared for
The cat and dog boom

Frisbees fly through air
Birds soar with grace and beauty
And are hit by them

The remote control
Will always remain outside
Your abilities

It’s just not a cult
Without crazy wigs and some
Strange explanation

In this, the age of
Computers, your magnetic
Powers make you God

If you think life is
Hard now, wait until you get
To the lightning round

The best thing about
Being you this week will be
Reading this column

There is no helping
Some people, for example
Successful people

Get yourself cultured
Start attending illegal
Erotic cock fights

You’re so vain, I bet
You think this horoscope is
About you, don’t you?

Your name starts with “G”
No wait, the letter is “S”
Alright, just tell me

You hate all people
But you are cute when angry
So nobody minds

Leos are gorgeous
Their beauty knows no limits
Let go of my arm

Bend over and pick
That up from the ground for me
Oh yeah, that’s the stuff

About Our Practice

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