Holiday Buying Guide: Best Gifts for Your Enemies

Christmas is forthcoming, and because you've got to start thinking about these things early, I present my handy holiday shopping guide:

Christmas is a great time to crush your enemies. They may get caught up in the season and let down their guard. Even if they remain vigilant, the last thing your enemies expect is for you to send them a present. Use the element of surprise to your advantage this holiday season with these malicious gift ideas.

The Ben Affleck Collection

Yes, there is a Ben Affleck Collection. This is a great gift for somebody you act friendly toward but secretly hate.

Not only do you get the pleasure of an awkward “Oh… thanks” when you present the gift, but the words “Ben Affleck Collection” are on the box in big bright letters. This DVD set will sit in your enemy’s home and invisibly ruin their life.

Imagine: your hated foe brings a date home, and at some point this would-be paramour decides to browse the shelves—and sees the Ben Affleck Collection. Date over. The down side of this gift is that its purchase will benefit Ben Affleck, who may be another of your enemies.

Contraband

In your enemy’s household, a very large gift appears under the tree, from “Santa.” Everyone thinks the other person is responsible and just being cute by pretending not to know its origins.

Flash-forward to Christmas morning, when your enemy opens the package to discover illegal drugs, guns, etc. The windows burst open and police raid the house, acting on an “anonymous” tip.

This has the additional benefit of dismantling the family unit and freeing up the husband or wife of your enemy for consolation/seduction—an extra kick-in-the-face if you can pull it off.

The Cursed Videotape

Ever see The Ring? Track that haunted videotape down and pop it in your enemy’s stocking. The tape was last seen in the possession of Amy Winehouse—and we all know how that turned out.

A Marriage Proposal

Hear me out on this one. Out of the blue, you propose marriage on Christmas day. She turns you down, confused and disgusted. But you persist. You use every trick in the romantic-comedy handbook to wear her down.

Then you show up drunk to the wedding ceremony, throw a bottle of whiskey at the priest, and vomit on everything expensive. The wedding is cancelled, everyone is embarrassed, and it costs her family a ton of money. Meanwhile, you take the shower gifts and her credit cards and vacation in the Bahamas until it all blows over.

If your enemy is male this still works. For a bonus, regardless of gender, make sure you also sleep with the best man/bridesmaid, destroying their friendship.

Their Two Front Teeth

Chances are your enemies are the kind of people liable to say things like “my two front teeth” when you ask them what they want for Christmas. If this happens, immediately punch out these teeth and present them to your bleeding foe.

Remember, they asked for it: my team of shady, disbarred lawyers considers this a defensible legal position.

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Jonathan Ball is a writer, filmmaker, and scholar living at www.jonathanball.com.

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