(May 21 – June 20)

This screenplay that you
Wrote would be improved if you
Added a lit match

Your life would make a
Good TV series that blends
Comedy and pain

You know recycling
Is important, so why won’t
You reuse that food?

Odin himself will
Congratulate you for your
Belief in nonsense

You’ll make more money
Waiting tables if you wear
Low expectations

The best lawyer in
The world won’t help if you keep
On groping the judge

Details, details, it’s
All in the details—a white
Spot on the hellhound

Much hullabaloo
Will stem from your decision
To drink hot lava

Replace silverware
With poisonware if you want
To keep cutting-edge

Three times you’ll deny
That Jesus has the best used
Car deals anywhere

Once you perfect that
Robot cock fighter you will
Regret time wasted

As the newest art
Movement, “Stupidism” needs
More development

You should brush up on
Your language skills by speaking
Esperanto more

The worst thing that you
Could possibly do right now
Is tickle the wolf

No one is impressed
By your ability to
Destroy the planet

I suppose getting
Off that chair technically
Counts as space travel

On your powerwalk
Be careful not to step in
Any time portals

Cheer up! After all
The alien parasite
Chose you—only you!

Have new business cards
Made up that simply say “I
Wanna Be Your Dog”

I will only tell
You this once, so listen up:
You’re really a ghost

Your idea for
Naked milk delivery
Raises some concerns

You will not regret
Your tattoo of Nick Cannon
Riding a dragon

Look, if you can pierce
Your own ears then you can pierce
Your own genitals

You should have bought the
Pricey first-aid kit—this one
Just contains a saw

How come in science
Fiction novels nobody
Reads science fiction?

Nobody wants to
Be the one to tell you but
The rapture happened

No “writer’s block” could
Stop you from coming up with
Lousy ideas

A hellish torment
Awaits pretty much any
Who listen to me

Surround yourself with
Flowers and plants—unless you
Fear Swamp Thing, of course

If you keep running
From responsibility
You will escape it

Need a peaceful and
Quiet vacation spot? Try
The lovely Hill House

That giant mass of
Crows following you? Relax,
They are just omens

I have bad news for
You: peanut butter and jam
Will seek a divorce

It will be a calm
Peaceful week, until you are
Finished reading this

How you’ve survived this
Long without skin or organs
Is quite beyond me

Seagulls keep flying
Past my window—distracting!
What was I doing?

As a Gemini
You’ll soon get fed up with sick
Jokes about “the twins”

As weeks go yours will
Feature above-average
Amounts of bullets

The blackest of hearts
Can be touched by music—but
Still, call a doctor

You will find love this
Week when you demand love from
Your kidnap victim

You will shock all with
Proof that Hollywood only
Cares about money

Everyone feels that
You aren’t “selling” the pain of
Being crucified

Terrifying times
Are in store for you and your
Underwear dresser

All the stations are
Country music stations here
In the depths of Hell

The monster gods that
Live under the sea will soon
Start prank-calling you

Your harem will get
Unruly in the new year—
Good while it lasted

Snowball fights are for
Kids—once you train your snowman
Soldiers it gets real

Give it up—that’s not
A “Christmas pumpkin” but just
Halloween debris

If you only do
One thing this week, make sure that
It benefits me

By quitting smoking
Now, you’ve extended your life
Until tomorrow

You’ll rediscover
Your lost love in the same place
You left your car keys

You’ll never live up
To the standards you set for
The “Second Life” you

You didn’t live by
The sword, but regardless, you
Will die by the sword

The Christmas season
Is coming—revive your plan
To kidnap Santa

Your forward-thinking
Plans for a Martian deli
Convince investors

Anything you want
You got it—except more songs
By Roy Orbison

A nice cool glass of
Water is what you need to
Combat the sand god

You’re no fun when you
Remind everybody that
Fun is mandated

Kids these days—they don’t
Like your music and they want
To chop off your head

The vast distance that
Lies between you and love can
Be bridged by money

It’s a wonderful
Life that you lead in a state
Of great delusion

In a postmodern
Twist, I predict that you will
Read this at some point

The consequences
Of your decision to break
Up with Zeus are dire

Nothing can relax
Someone more than a round of
Golf on heavy drugs

You can’t blame those birds
For trying to peck through your
Eyes and eat your brain

The highlight of the
Queen’s visit was when you waved
To her from the crowd

That great new band you
Keep hearing is Audio

Your Facebook friendships
Will be tested when you “like”
Murdering babies

I’ve never met a
Man with a free pie that I
Did not really like

If you only have
One shower a month, make sure
That you DO have it

Keep an open mind
And don’t dismiss grocery
Shopping at Petland

Tie up the loose ends
From last week in a ball that
You will then choke on

It’s true that you can’t
Go home again, because I
Just burnt down your house

Take some time out for
Yourself and for putting out
All those household fires

This awesome summer’s
Faddish new snack—Chocolate
Covered Chihuahuas

The god you worship
Is in fact a light fixture
That looks really weird

I’ll just say this straight
Out—you’re not a werewolf, you’re
Just really hairy

People with pets live
Longer, so purchase yourself
A poisonous snake

Someday Superman
Will crush you and your anti-
Superman website

The pitchforks and the
Torches have come out, so it’s
Time to start running

Exercising will
Claim another victim when
You run off a cliff

Oddly, that hobby—

Dropping scorpions down your

Pants—is your LEAST weird

Growing a moustache
Will give meaning to your life
And mock Death itself

It’s hell being as
Sexy as this, a hell that
You will never know

Hey, if you don’t like
The government, pay taxes
To your cat instead

Keep your opinions
To yourself and you’ll avoid
The electroshocks

Growing a beard is
The best thing for you—cancel
All those surgeries

Just one small mistake—
Burning down the whole village—
And they turn on you!

When at a dinner
Party it’s rude to suggest
Eating other guests

Oranges were good
For you until we spliced their
Genes with a raccoon’s

You worked hard and learned
To read, or so you thought, since
Purple dragon bike

This week you’ll learn that
Magic is real and wizards
Are super jerk-offs

Don’t be such a prude
For once—just laugh and join in
The bloody slaughter

You will succeed as
An example of the most
Abject of failures

You will become an
Inspiration to all of
Us who envy death

After much hard work
You will invent the wheel — just
Ignore naysayers

Spread your wings and fly —
Don’t let things like gravity
Rain on your parade

In the classroom of
Life, your greatest teacher is
A stupid cartoon

Don’t be stubborn and
Admit you were wrong about
The apocalypse

In the future you
Will discover the cure for
Remaining healthy

The hounds of Hell track
Your every movement and wait
For your demise. Cake?

If you need proof that
The world isn’t controlled by
Martians, there’s no proof

It’s been a long year
But — wait, the year’s not over?
Make that “really long”

Good news: a prince from
Africa will e-mail you
About cash transfers

The only thing worse
Than just not being yourself
Is being yourself

Don’t get overly
Excited, but the spacecraft
You’re on will soon crash

News flash: now vampires
Are only ‘cool’ if they have
Respectable jobs

Your newfound love of
Viking metal will curry
Favour with great Thor

If anyone asks
You didn’t see me near the
Bank whatsoever

Access the hidden
Potential of your mind with
My psychic hammers

Life will get a lot
More complicated once you
Purchase that spy kit

Look, I can’t be held
Liable if you ever
Should heed my advice

The ghost of Shakespeare
Has risen, and he wants his
Goddamn royalties

You will perfect cold
Fusion but leave the secret
In your other pants

The zombies will rise
Whenever they want to — you
Aren’t the boss of them!

Is Gemini the
Plural of Gemini? This
May just drive you mad

The stars wish you would
Cease your questioning and let
Them sleep in for once

Your superhero
Identity as “Lame-O”:
No longer secret

Sure you were drunk, but
How did you manage a three-
Way with two penguins?

Not sure how to say
This, but I sold you to the
Chinese government

Are you going to
Let a gas leak drive you out
Of your apartment?

Changing your name to
“Tim Horton” will earn you the
Nation’s purest love

Buying that timeshare
On the Death Star was a bit
Too speculative

If you can read this
You’re too close to the end of
Your pathetic life

You’ll meet the Dalai
Lama, causing him to give
Up the cause of peace

Reading this now is
The calm before the storm of
Your zombie-filled day

If you were afraid
Of spiders before, soon you’ll
Fear spiders with guns

You’ll get dumped this week —
Not by your lover, but right
Into a landfill

Why you insist on
Hanging around with that starved
Wolf is beyond me

Sure, people like dogs
And people like ice cream, but
Don’t combine the two

Your rock collection
Will not be complete without
Some red kryptonite

If Freud was here he’d
Tell you to relax, then try
To have sex with you

Your get-rich-quick scheme
To pose as Will Smith and cash
His cheques ain’t that bad

Write a trilogy
Of books about your struggle
With verbosity

You should start praying
To gods that might have a vague
Chance of existing

All I’ll say is though
It seems tempting, don’t mess with
Your neighbour Clark Kent

Joke research shows you’ll
Need a horse, rabbi, and blonde
To screw in the light

Watch out for… some guy…
I’m totally blanking on
This—so, so sorry

Sad to say, reading
This horoscope will be the
Highlight of your day

A mentor could help
You, but you need a calmer
One than Doctor Doom

Like Job, your lessons
Will be gathered in a book
That nobody reads

The public must hear
Your tale about reaching the
Top of spaghetti

Although some people
Think it’s “wrong,” I will die for
My right to arm bears

Have a heart—somehow
I’ve managed to stockpile all
Of these human hearts

From this moment on
Werner Herzog will be your
New lord and saviour

You’ll be dumped by your
Lover after one more date
At the city dump

Stay inside this week
Don’t even go out if I’m
Hotwiring your car

In a short while you’ll
Develop an allergy
To water—not good

Your decision to
Become a writer will lead
You to stuff like this

Camping will be a
Great way to expose yourself
To the wood’s dangers

Peter Pan will float
Through your window — hurry and
Grab the pepper spray

Don’t worry about
What you can’t control, like the
Falling hand of doom

This life is just a
Dream, and you’ll wake up to find
Out you’re Bob Newhart

You need a mini-
Vacation — try visiting
Lilliput Island

You’ll be caught in the
Act and executed near
The end of the play

The great rise of the
Zombie armies coincides
With your dinner plans

This week you’ll get what
You deserve — an already
Expired food coupon

Doors will open for
You this week — sadly though, they’ll
Be portals to Hell

Godzilla vs.
Mothra … in a chess battle!
— A summer must-see

You defaced the sign
To read “free arking”? What a
Clever culture jam

Your research will soon
Unearth the missing link — an
Ape with a top hat

You should cancel the
Appointment you made to have
Your soul torn from you

Start a dream journal —
You’ll need evidence when you
Try to sue Freddy

Keep your friends close, your
Enemies closer, and your
Penis fungus hid

Despite what you’ve been
Told, rubbing a penis won’t
Release a genie

It’s win-win: if the
Meteor misses, you live;
Hits, you don’t stand trial

It will cost you an
Arm and a leg to get that
Elbow re-attached

I hate to break it
To you, but Superman will
Stand you up again

Reconsider your
Career plan — take Berlin first,
And then Manhattan

Don’t look a gift horse
In the mouth — that thing’s rabid
And will bite your face

Your love life improves
This week, when your robot brain
Is programmed to love

Pay attention to
Details — otherwise you won’t
Catch Colonel Mustard

Still waiting for the
Other shoe to drop? It seems
Gravity’s no more

Put your heart into
Your art — its worth on the black
Market will increase

Stick with your story:

You couldn't have robbed that bank,

You were with Elvis

Before your ghost can
Find peace, you must finish James
Joyce’s Ulysses

You’ve fallen in a
Rut and the key to getting
Out is to breed wolves

You’ll be arrested
For petty crimes this week — crimes
Against Tom Petty

Cleanliness is next
To Godliness — God, you know,
Having OCD

Your haircut will not
Turn out well — in fact, it will
Destroy your marriage

You know when to hold
Them, and when to fold them, but
Learn to dress yourself

Due to a mix-up
Those bath bombs that you bought are
The atomic kind

Sergeant Pepper’s left
The band, to get his soda-
Making doctorate

Like a jellyfish,
You are spineless and people
Pee when they touch you

Your vow of silence
Will be broken after you
Eat the bean salad

Maybe you shouldn’t
Have smuggled the nuclear
Warhead up your butt

Maybe I am just
Old-fashioned, but do not give
That robot free will

Your homemade wine grows
Ever more popular with
Your homemade wino

Life’s too short to waste
Time trying to discern what
Your future will be

Eat more fresh fruit and
Less of those blasting caps — you’ll
See your health improve

If there’s one thing that
Experience has taught you
It’s to avoid mines

Phil, King Arthur, and
You must work together to
Defeat Megatron

You can improve all
Of your ideas simply
By adding lasers

Don’t tempt fate — fate has
Been off the smack for some time
But still might relapse

Installing a moat
Is a great way to keep those
Pesky knights away

The fate of the world
Is in your hands — please tell me
That you have washed them

Shaving your head may
Enrage the falcons that have
Made you their new nest

I predict business
Will drop if you rename your
Motel “Affairland”

They’ll perfect cloning
This week, ushering in a
New age of porno

Bikini season
Is here, and it’s high time that
You got arrested

People look up to
You — don’t disappoint them by
Removing your heels

They say that you are
Doomed to fail, but you’ll prove that
They are always right

As smart as it seemed
You should never have thrown that
Poisoned boomerang

Quit your stalling — this
Week buckle down and learn how
To drive a standard

This week, when you are
Summoning demons, make sure
You cook enough food

The neighbourhood is
Going to Hell — you should have
Let Rosemary be

You can’t join the Mile
High Club by having sex on
A model airplane

Get a good clean shave
In your pubic region by
Using straight razors

If you play your cards
Right, the Queen of Hearts could be
Your sugar momma

Not only is the
Raccoon hat out of style, but
You will catch rabies

You are such a good
Person God is placing bets
On you as we speak

You know what? Take those
Wooden nickels. It would just
Be cool to have some.

With your dying words
You will ask for some “rosebud”
Chocolate candies

The world’s your oyster,
That bottom one which will give
You food poisoning

Your conceptual
Art work where audiences
Watch paint dry will rock!

That Lost in Space dude
Trained Chuck’s voice and helped him score
With alien babes

Every dog has its
Day, and this day belongs to
The dog chasing you

Those are some great tits–
I’m speaking, of course, about
Your lovely pet birds

Help those who are less
Fortunate than yourself – you
May need their organs

If you know that’s the
Hole in the ground, why is the
Gopher in your ass?

For better or for
Worse, your hair will catch on fire
This week. I guess worse.

If you would listen
More often, and kill people
Less, you’d have more friends

Alas, poor Yorick—
Hey, you kids, do you want to
See a dead body?

Your faith in God will
Be shaken this week when he
Forgets your birthday

Be realistic—
No way will someone pay you
To write horoscopes

Don’t forget to feed
Your cats—they are a hair from

Live and learn—I guess
You can’t use an arts grant to
Make a porno film

You can torture them
As much as you want to, your
Plants will never talk

Your girlfriend is not
Really in a coma, she’s
Just ignoring you

You’ll be abducted
By aliens this week who
Need help with crosswords

Unless you change your
Ways, you will end up with that
Toothpick in your lung

Reunite your old
Band for one last, pathetic
Attempt to cash in

Don’t worry about
All those ninjas—they’ll come at
You one at a time

So you want to do
Things the hard way? Start with a
Spitting cobra fight

News flash: those children
Aren’t calling you “Ol’ Four-Eyes”
Because of glasses

Learn from your mistakes
And stay away from any
Doors marked “Fire Entrance”

You’re so attractive
That you’re magnetic. Best keep
Out of the kitchen

Your singing career
Will take off with the single
“I’m boss and you’re moss”

You would be way more
Productive if you were a
Robot. Let me help.

You messed with Texas
And now you must pay the price:
One Cadbury egg

You can call it what
Ever you want, that doesn’t
Mean that it’s music

It’s frustrating that
I can see your future but
Not racing outcomes

We all make mistakes,
But the ones you make this week
Will become legend

You don’t need drugs to
Have a good time, but you do
Need them to function

You’ll have so much sex
This week that things will start to
Fall off your body

Like Madonna, you
Will receive a whole lot of
Unwarranted love

You’ve got a lot of
Class but not enough sass, and
Also, few monkeys

You’ll get your “oil changed”
This week—no, it’s not really
A euphemism

Life is but a dream
And a boring one at that
With too few monkeys

I don’t know if your
“Third leg” will be able to
Support your full weight

I watched Vin Diesel
Get bit by a duck. Now, I
Can die. Please kill me.

Get off your high horse—
Hmm, I can only give you
8 for that dismount

Though that condom has
Served you well in the past, you
Must get a new one

If you want to pull
That finger, be prepared for
The consequences

You deserve a break
If only Kit Kat bars were
Not your Kryptonite

That banana peel
You dropped is an accident
Waiting to happen

No one can rap quite
Like you, but then again no
One really wants to

Horoscopes don’t have
To rhyme, but it’s Christmastime
Nor make sense neither

Eminem has run
Out of people to insult
So I referred you

I’ve developed a
New diet plan—first step, you
Travel to the moon

If only there was
A way you could eat and gain
Weight at the same time

Remember that you
Can do anything that you
Put your wallet to

Don’t go for the quick
Fix, go for a lifetime of
Hard drug addiction

The Trailer Park Boys
Will keep you laughing until
They move in next door

Once again, you will
Somehow manage to open
A portal to Hell

Not everything is
A conspiracy—go home
To your “family”

How you yearn for a
Simpler time, back before you
Were apprehended

That “Matlock” song by
Farm Fresh is tha shiznit! Oh,
You’re going to drown

Bad luck this week, but
Don’t worry, there are plenty
Of jobs for lepers

Your secrets are safe
With me, the author of a
Magazine column

The Furies follow
You not to revenge the dead
But for your sweet ass

The stars will help you
Name you punk band — how about
“Dead Baby Jesus”?

Can’t open that jar?
Do not fear, for the Toxic
Avenger is here!

The stars totally
Have those CDs for you but
They’re super busy

The world awaits the
News of whether or not you
Got that apartment

When you cried “wolf” the
Last time, they should have listened
Now they’re canine chow

Your dreams of stardom
Will be crushed when you learn that
The zodiac’s full

Your band Guitarmy
Will never be able to
Live up to its name

The magic of the
Theatre will help you to
Escape from those wolves

You don’t know what’s good
For you, so listen to me
When I say bacon

Where there is only
One set of footprints, that’s when
I hijacked your car

Avoid footlong hot
Dogs — you just do not need that
Kind of stress this week

A lot of clowns fit
In a car, and from this we
Can learn about life

Before voting for
Mayor, think: who can promise
Low rates of J. Lo?

Show them who’s boss: is
It Tony or Angela?
The world needs to know.

The sky is falling
Honour your word and pay the
Chicken that five bucks

Pink Floyd: best band of
All time. Oh, you want to know
The future? Bor-ing.

Summer’s a-comin’
You won’t be needin’ to use
The letter ‘g’ now

Rilke’s writing is
Inspiring in its power
Just like Godzilla

Judge not, lest ye be
Made to endure platitudes
From some plotless book

The more that you learn
About rabid dogs, the less
You have to live for

Spring is in the air
And so is love, way up there
Just out of your reach

Rock isn’t dead, man!
In fact, its zombie hands will
Clutch your skull this week

Rabbits and fire have
Something in common, as it
Turns out—and that’s you

Death will visit you
This week, so get the darn house
In order, will ya?

The dating scene can
Be depressing, but cheer up–
They’ll settle for less

Jesus Christ, get off
Your ass, get out there, and get
Rid of those vampires

The phone call’s coming
From inside the house! Scary!
Make it a movie!

Okay, let me be
Serious for a moment
Sometimes you’re hurtful

“Revenge” is such an
Ugly word, why not try out

Platonic love, like
Unconditional love, will
Still elude your grasp

On one hand, horses
Can’t talk. On the other hand,
You can’t be too safe.

It’s a crying shame
How when you cry nobody
Feels sorry for you

Saturn is in the
House of Mars, and someone is
Getting their ass kicked

Traded your straw hat
For a new lease on life? That
Sounds like a bad trade.

You don’t love Raymond
And this week you will see that
He gets what’s comin’

It’s kill or be killed
Shoot that duck before he gets
A chance to shoot you

Chase the blues away
With some black paint—I guess that
The fumes will help too

Travel back in time
To stop Schwarzenegger from
Being elected

Everyone likes to
Get Christmas cards, but not all
People want your love

Screw horoscopes—I’m
Going to watch the Paris
Hilton porno tape

Ninjas will attack
Only one thing can save you
To be continued…

Keep your enemies
Close, and your friends closer, and
Keep it in your pants

Here is your future:
First, you're gonna rock, and then
You're going to roll

This week you will see
A UFO—um, I mean
A weather balloon

The Hell that is your
Life gets a bit brighter with
Some more intense flames

You should catch up on
Your letter writing and try
Learning “Q” this week

Your legend lives on
In the hearts and minds of those
You borrowed cash from

You’re not paranoid
Leos are out to get you
And so are demons

Don’t be fooled by that
Trojan condom, take it in
And all Hell breaks loose

You just keep running
Off at the mouth, which is quite
The physical feat

You really relate
To those tales of the street told
By millionaire “thugs”

Bow your knees and beg
Forgiveness from Jesus Christ
Lord of the Zombies

Get ready for a
Week of flowers, sunshine, and
Morbid irony

Nothing like the Great
Outdoors to make you value
Air conditioning

Maybe hiring that
Dingo to watch your baby
Was not so clever

The horse that breathes fire
Is obviously better
Than the other ones

Leprechauns aren’t real
Your magical friend is just
Some sort of pixie

It’s all in the hips
Take your hula hoop secrets
With you to the grave

A ten dollar watch
Is a good way to show you
Care, but not that much

You will find wisdom
On the top of the mountain
But the price is steep

Time and tide could have
Waited for five minutes while
You grabbed your hat. Jerks.

Some stocks fall, but at
JECO our stocks just cannot
Get any lower

One day that beaten
Path is just not going to
Take it anymore

Somehow, The Joy of
has sold more copies
Than The Joy of Sex

What they didn’t tell
You is that the milk is sour
And the honey stale

It’s not perverted
To keep a stiff upper lip
Stop getting turned on

You don’t need to use
The super-mega death ray
To kill those termites

Walking to the beat
Of any drum is pretty
Blasted different

You’re just paranoid
Sure, demons are after you
But they’re just small ones

You will have luck with
Card games this week, sadly they’re
The work of Satan

Your website could use
More content that’s not photos
Of you holding cheese

The military
Is preparing to annex
The oil in your car

It’s only cheating
If he finds out — be sure to
Get rid of the “proof”

You know you’re a star
When you find yourself out in
Space and burning bright

If your booty starts
To shake you do not have to
Contact your doctor

What’s the difference
Between an orange? I think
The stars have lost it

From the mouths of babes
Comes wisdom disguised as a
Gooey white liquid

Have you ever seen
One of those “lucky cats”? No?
Well, they’re watching you

A five dollar whore
Is a good deal, no matter
How you look at it

The late night party
Bird has to drink tequila
To get at the worm

Your goose is cooked — take
Care when you are directing
Your inner gander

Instead of stealing
A car stereo, why not
Steal the whole damn car?

When all is said and
Done, 7-Eleven is
Better than Heaven

Sometimes you feel like
A nut, and by then it is
Usually too late

The next time you are
Out hunting for a husband
Leave the gun at home

In times of trouble
You can turn to the Bible—
Hard liquor version

You have released me
The genie of the chip bag
Now throw me some dip

There are not enough
Flowers in your life — steal some
And go down shooting

Times will be hard this
Week, but take heart: that pimp juice
Don’t discriminate

When you are ready
To give up hope, call me up
And we’ll talk money

The rest of your life
Will be spent with a monkey
And some lemonade

It’s been a long time
Since you rocked and rolled, maybe
You should get that checked

The only thing to
Fear is that crazy man who
Thinks he’s a wombat

Your tale of true crime
Is somehow not compelling
Scarlet Jaywalker

You will forget the
First rule of the Moustache Club
At your own peril

Given the choice this
Week, take the prince over that
Dirty old pauper

Stop saying the word
“Whirligig,” you are only
Scaring everyone

Your perseverance
Pays off and you succeed in
Eating all the chips

Your balloon and pin
Fetishes will both come to
Predictable ends

This week you will gain
Magical powers but then
Just download porno

Trust me—your webcam
Will not work unless it is
On while you shower

It’s not a party
If there’s not a mule walking
Around aimlessly

Your porn days will come
Back to haunt you when you are
Appointed as Pope

Your horoscope has
Been sold as ad space for the
JECO Worldwide Group

If you don’t sell your
Car for potato chips then
The terrorists win

Lamps brighten your day
Not through illumination
But your love of lamps

Clip your hedges to
Resemble a fat nude clown
Keep kids off your lawn

Your fridge should be cold
That it is not is more proof
That you are in Hell

Write nature poems
New richness of soul will help
Pay the karma bill

When black cats cross paths
Which cat becomes unlucky?
Not so smart now, eh?

Mice infest your home
You should not have moved into
That gingerbread house

Your unhealthy fear
Of haikus and horoscopes
Continues to grow

Nothing says “I care”
Like a robot programmed to
Breakdance and talk trash

Though the wizard has
Promised you courage, he will
Renege on the deal

When the whippoorwill
Sings a sad song of lament
Turn off the movie

Your career as a
Llama mechanic will be
Steeped in tragedy

Due to misguided
Patriotism, you will
Beat some Afghan rugs

Money can’t buy love
Unfortunately for you
Neither can ugly

As a Gemini
You like twins, but you like them
More as a pervert

You will come to think
That horoscopes are sexist
And will miss the joke

Nobody likes you
They just like your hot sister
She has a great ass

About Our Practice

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Phone: 1.888.456.7890

Fax: 1.888.654.9876

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