Ishmael’s Twitter Feed

My favourite novel (in English) is MOBY-DICK, and I’m thrilled to have discovered Ishmael’s Twitter feed!!! Enjoy.

feeling angsty gotta head to the sea again i guess you know how it bees when youse a #sleaze lol

hooked up with this weird dude last night his name’s Queequeg he’s got a face tattoo lol just my type right? #lol

place just serves chowder but they have 2 types tastes fine Queequeg seems to like it he says we’re married now like #whatever Queequeg lol

signed up to #whale on this boat captain supposed to have one ivory leg that sounds cool maybe i can get a selfie hugging his leg later lol

whaling is hard work lots to learn about #Plato for some reason guess he fought whales? idk lol

havent seen the captain still weird but whatevs odd gang on this ship oh did i mention Queequeg’s god looks like a #dildo lol

reading lots of books got lots of time #learning lots like diff names for whales also like how universe a dark void lol

captain Ahab rolled up finally and started talking smack about some white whale whatevs we get it #KillTheWhale duh we are whalers lol

Moby Dick is serious the name of the whale omg lol lol #LOLLL

a white whale too like named Moby Dick lol #sperm #skeet #WhaleTale lol

lots of #nothing so thought about whales a lot why not gotta think something keep falling asleep when on watch lol

not much to do learning lots about #whaling pretty cool i guess but also like whatever whales are fishes i gets it lol

trip starting to drag like what the dilly when do we get to fuck with whales #totes wanna get a whale lol

some mysterious dudes just #RolledOut of the hold one guy is a prophet I guess like whatever lol

poor Pip got sea crazed I guess totes crazy up in the #hizzy on this whale boat lol

Queequeg got sick an built a coffin but then like he fine now with a #fine-assCoffin haha what a dork lol

omg this other dude lost an arm to Moby Dick and his name is wait for it captain #BOOMER wtf haha is this real life lol

Ahab gots him a new #harpoon pretty boss but like enuff already I gets it you hate Moby Dick this dude is one-note lol

MOBY DICK!!! MOBY DICK!!! kinda scary and cool and all but #yenno built it up a bit much sorta expected more idk whatevs lol

whale’s gotta do what a whale’s gotta do I’ma gonna try to keep my distance #yolo lol

kinda seems like these dudes don’t know much about killing whales they know a lot about NOT killing whales though like #wtf lol

almost drowned but then Queequeg’s coffin popped up so floating coffin keeping me alive #ironic yo haha lol

got #saved by some ship boring here though kinda sucks without some mad quest to get the blood pumping oh well fun while it lasted lol

guess the moral of the story is that the universe is godless and indifferent? plus whales are big #yo also death is our fate #whatever #lol

Dr. Moreau’s Funding Proposal

I propose to establish an island laboratory, far from civilization. Once there, I will experiment on various animals, using a painful series of surgeries to transform them into human-like creatures. Although genetic manipulation is now in fashion for this sort of work, I prefer vivisection. Science, at its purest, is also an art.

In addition, I will train these animals to go against their base natures — for example, I will force carnivores to become vegetarians. In general, I will enforce a strict vegetarian policy amongst my creatures. In combination with the pain of their wounds, and the confusion of being something more than beast but less than human, this should drive them insane.

I will also train them to worship me as a god.

My thesis is that horrible things will occur. If I am correct, this will prove that humanity has become unnatural creatures in its own right, abominations of the universe. Since we are monsters, there is no God.

Why an island laboratory? Isolation from civilization is important, because then it will be difficult to procure the necessary supplies for the smooth running of the island. For example, anesthesia will be a luxury I cannot afford. This will ensure that things go poorly.

The attached materials detail, more specifically, my plans and procedures, and how they will go awry. Ethics approval is not necessary for this project, given its nature, which is to defy morality.

I think there’s real potential for horror here. I look forward to hearing from you, and thank you for your time.

The Weeknd on His Weekend Off


10:37 — wakes, orders breakfast from room service: crab and blue cheese omelette with side of pears

11:06 — coffee and the Reader’s Digest

11: 43 — showers, dresses in camo

12:03 — record shopping

1:32 — light lunch in café (whichever one isn’t playing a Weeknd song): crepes and espresso

2:02 — window shopping

2:11 — ignores phone, more window shopping

3:23 — enters bookstore, browses poetry

3:57 — smashes phone

4:03 — back to hotel, late afternoon nap

4:34 — sets curtain on fire

4:52 — leisurely stroll to a far-off restaurant, hobby photography

6:17 — dinner alone: tuna steak and asparagus

7:23 — dessert at a different restaurant: plain apple pie

7:47 — buys new phone

8:36 — back to hotel, rents movie: Weekend at Bernie’s

9:12 — misses hair

10:37 — retires to bed early


10:37 — wakes, does the exact same things as the previous day, at the exact same times

10:37 — dies inside

Lovecraftian Comedy at The Rusty Toque

The Rusty Toque
30 June 2015

The wonderful Kathryn Mockler over at The Rusty Toque has republished my Lovecraftian comedic short story, originally published in Matrix back in 2006. Everyone thinks the “Guy” in the story is Guy Maddin for some reason — but it’s not, sadly, just “some Guy.”

What Knausgård Reviews Look Like to People Who Haven’t Read Knausgård

Karl Ove Knausgård’s new book is beyond long, and way past self-indulgent. You should read it! He can’t write well — his prose is clunky and often seems unedited. His translator’s not great. You should read it!

Knausgård seems like a horrible person, from all accounts, including his own lengthy account. He’s great! His life is not interesting, since he has done little worth writing about. Did I mention that he’s not that great a writer? Get off your ass and go get this book!

Knausgård is a whiny white male who has written a very long book whining about the struggles of being a white male today, and he titled the book after Hitler’s book. It’s sooooooo worth reading! Sorry, I meant to say a series of very long books.

A very long series of very long books, about a white dude’s struggles. All he wants to do is write super-long books, but he’s not that great a writer, so it’s hard! If you haven’t read Knausgård yet, then get crackin’, Jack! What are you waiting for?

Knausgård is kinda like Proust, except that he’s not Proust, because he can’t write that well. He’s the Proust of today! Don’t miss out!

This new book is named after a Bruce Springsteen song, for no apparent reason, or maybe he’s unaware of the song somehow and thinks he’s being original. He’s not. Some reviewer called Knausgård “far from original” and I agree. That reviewer was praising the book, by the way — it deserves all of its praise, and even more praise! It totally lives up to the hype!

It’s pretty much the same as every other white dude’s autobiographical novel, except it is super-fucking-long and you should read it immediately!