(December 22 – January 19)

You will invent a
New cola, which is really
What the world needs now

You would enjoy sex
A lot more fully if you
Actually had sex

Don’t haggle over
The price of your soul—agree
Any price is good

Don’t think of it as
A downward spiral—think of
It as non-up spin!

Don’t be too worried
To be passionate about
What worries others

Don’t close your eyes for
Even one second or I

Mythical beasts from
Beyond just won’t stop trying
To Facebook-friend you

The economy
Will never recover from
Your relationship

Although timely, your
Occupy My Crotch movement
Is not catching on

I read this Bible
Front to back, and it doesn’t
Say much about blogs

I most sincerely
Apologize for the way
I’m lying right now

Erato, muse of
Erotic poetry, wants
To start a website

Terrifying to
Think that you will read this, then
Make life decisions

Property values
Surrounding your hot tub have
Taken a nosedive

Impartial juries
Of your peers are one thing you
Should stay away from

The world will always
Need somebody who can teach
Poodles to line dance

Setting your hair on
Fire will get the attention
Of that hot fireman

Whenever someone
Offers you “homemade milk” get
More information

You need to take a
Long look at yourself and try
To recall your name

Your superhero
Power to undress people
With your eyes: creepy

Good news: your Darwin
Award win will not require
You to make a speech

McLuhan once said
He would punch you in the face
And how right he was

Nothing like a good
Soup made from the leftovers
Of your enemies

You should go see a
Doctor about that thing that
Has replaced your face

Your ideas suck
But once you have money they
Will be wonderful

Chocolate popcorn—
It exists, so why are you
Denying Sasquatch?

Before you can eat
Chicken a la king, you must
Declare fealty

The wisest man knows
That all of his wisdom means
Nothing next to breasts

Hemingway once wrote:
“Under no circumstances
Trust Jonathan Ball”

Science fiction will
Never imagine futures
Stranger than your past

If Jack Daniels knew
What he caused you to do he’d
Cease operations

Mercury’s rising
And Mars is in decline, so
Like, you know, watch out

As a writer, I
Know what’s it’s like when no one
Believes your nonsense

Take your time, don’t rush
And enjoy every one of
Your fifteen minutes

Rihanna can turn
Anything to gold, except
The song that you wrote

Remember that you
Are never alone, because
I am stalking you

The cold, cold stares of
Your pet fish will guilt you to
Overfeed them soon

Drive your car to the
Ends of the earth, where you will
Find happiness—psych!

The river’s rising—
My solution? Enjoy some
Coke! (Sponsored by Coke)

He who hesitates
Will be lost once the Cheetah
Aliens arrive

Schwarzenegger needs
A new job, but he won’t be
Part of your “pimp crew”

All pain, no gain is
The best way to describe your
Glass-and-nails diet

Now that you’ve bought a
Hummer, drive it into the
Desert and die there

Belief is power—
Although, in fact, it isn’t
And you’ve failed this test

The stars cannot be
Held responsible if you
Believe their nonsense

The jury of your
Peers will be composed mostly
Of chickens and mops

There is no name for
The sexual position
You’ll be in later

Sure, giant spiders
Are cool, but they are hardly
A good Christmas gift

Your lucky number
Is being kept from you through
A conspiracy

Your novel about
How your novel will one day
Be published rings false

A fresh mint is just
What you need to clinch that date—
That and some real cash

Try to throw at least
One party that does not turn
Into an orgy

You are doomed to spend
The rest of your life doing
Your Christmas shopping

Take solace in the
Fact that you woke only three
Of the five tigers

More Harry Potter
Means less attention for your

Don’t forget you must
Remember to forget to
Recall forgetting

Your new invention
Will forever change the way
People eat lettuce

Don’t think of it as
“Being eaten” but that you’re
“Helping fight hunger”

You wanted your own
Pony, and now you have to
Eat up the whole thing

Times are tough but you
Should avoid working jobs where
You lose too much blood

Dracula will turn
Out to be a better date
Than you’d expected

The hanging sword of
Damocles would make quite a
Fine home addition

One thing Capricorns
Can live without: oxygen
—Just give it a try!

Those business cards that
You like to give out only
Get used for voodoo

What I’m saying is
Beware the full moon and the
Armies of the moth

You’ve kept Hitler’s brain
Pickled long enough—now it’s
Time to eat the thing

Start using your blood
Instead of ink or ketchup—
It is way cheaper

Your secret shame will
Be made public when you are
Caught with some cat porn

Nobody knows the
Troubles you’ve seen in the gym
Locker room at night

It’s your fault you’re in
This mess—next time don’t listen
To Johnny Knoxville

Lend me some money—
I guarantee you’ll get it
Back after you die

Be sure to keep up
Your training for the summer
Bootyshaking games

Anything you can
Do, your doppelganger can
Do much, much better

Make sure you stop and
Smell the flowers, because soon
You will lose your nose

Suspiciously, your
New job’s drug plan is simply
“The first dose is free”

Try not to mix up
Your pastimes of hunting and
Camping anymore

After a decade
Of study you’ll learn that two
Plus two equals four

You must stop lying
To yourself—face the fact that
You died last decade

Your new “hobby” of
Eating insects will result
In few second dates

Stay calm, but listen—
I heard that mice have learned to
Lay plans just like men

I read somewhere that
Capricorns are the best at
Wasting their whole lives

One thing you can be
Sure of is that nothing you
Believe is the truth

Being “well-rounded”
Is just a metaphoric
Goal, you idiot

Your career as a
Stand-up comic will fizzle
When you sit back down

Since inter-species
Marriage isn’t gaining ground
You will die alone

If at first you don’t
Succeed, then go back in time
Through a magic door

I didn’t want to
Be the one to tell you, but
Horoscopes are bull

The paradox of
Schrodinger’s cat will somehow
Mess up your love life

Sartre said Hell is
Other people, but it turns
Out he just meant you

Whatever you do
Do not spend money on Snoop
Dogg’s grammar textbook

That nitrous oxide
Leak is no laughing matter
—I couldn’t resist

Keep your wits about
You and you might survive your
Family dinner

You’ll discover that
Fraggles live under your house
And call pest control

Take to wearing a
Cape and no one will ask you
For favours again

Bad news — you’ve died and
Don’t realize that you are
Already a ghost

Capricorn, it is
About time you figured out
What Capricorns are

You may be the one
Person on the planet who
Gets off to knee porn

Be sure to schedule
Your shopping spree in advance
Of your killing spree

Keep it real and spend
Less time keeping it in the
Realm of fantasy

Don’t open any
Mail addressed to “Someone Who
Will Be Sorry Soon”

You are running on
Empty — refuel yourself by
Drinking gasoline

Ronald McDonald
Murdered the Grimus and needs
To lie low right now

The only way you
Could improve last week would be
With a time machine

Flowers will brighten
Your week, but then mutate and
Darken our planet

They say you can’t go
Home again, and since your home
Will burn down, it’s true

You’ll make history
As the first person to get
All known diseases

Bert and Ernie will
Continue to haunt your dreams

Climb the tallest tree
And look out over the land
You’ll soon fall down to

The dog next door won’t
Stop barking, and the stars will
Take it out on you

Set off some fireworks
To celebrate your country’s
Freedom from Martians

Your new invention —
The jellophone — will not be
The success you’d hoped

Don’t let emotions
Get the best of you — become
A robot Vulcan

Too competitive
For your own good, you’ll challenge
A bear to a race

Coat your body in
Maple syrup and lay out
In the sun a while

Don’t rush commitment —
Take things slow, and one day your
Hostage will love you

Work with enemies
For a common goal, like your
Escape from New York

Be a role model
For other Capricorns and
Stop eating stray cats

The reviews of your
Past lives are coming in: all
Told, you deserve less

Popcorn makes a nice
Light snack only if you stop
Drenching it in blood

Your peanut butter
And eye jelly sandwiches
Are tasty yet vile

You’ve learned the banjo
And now you need to learn how
To unlearn banjo

Like Icarus, you’ll
Enjoy some fried chicken — I
Think that’s how it went

The monster under
Your bed disqualifies you
For life insurance

Bat fighting is a
Great way to lift your spirits
From the winter blahs

Sirens will sing you
To your doom, and they only
Cover Britney Spears

If you want to look
Smart, it’s not enough to just
Get a nice bookshelf

Your soul yearns for some
Guidance — buy one of those cool
GPS thingies

When you were asked to

“Do” the dishes, no one meant
Have hot sex with them

Everyone deserves
Clean water — so step away
From the water, now

When the moon hits your
Eye like a big pizza pie
Curse the mad, cruel gods

Have a t-shirt made
Saying “Lord of the Realm” — your
First step to power

“Capri-popcorn” will
Catch on and you’ll find yourself
Among the hunted

Your parents were wrong—
As a circus freak, your job’s
More secure than theirs

You’re a good host at
Parties and will be a good
Host for the tapeworm

What do you want on
Your pizza? Don’t say “the hearts
of newborns” again

You’re a sore loser—
Just admit the devil is
A better fiddler

Going on the lam
Seems a drastic response to
The parking ticket

If someone calls you
“Capri-corny” you can then
Legally kill them

Your sister will come
’Round for a visit even
If you don’t have one

I can’t tell you who
Will win the election, but
I can tell you’ll lose

You’ll soon be able
To conduct research for your
Book on Living Hells

“Doom”—that is an odd
Flavour you picked out for your
Popcorn seasoning

Don’t take on too much—
Back out of volunteering
As moving target

Get a head start on
Next week by tripping it just
When the gun goes off

The previous ’scope
Almost sounds deep—I assure
You that it is not

I’m sorry, but your
Wikipedia entry’s
Being deleted

Put on a happy
Face—but not someone else’s
Actual face, dude!

Begin an office
Romance this week, either with
The stapler or pen

After training for
Years you’ve perfected the twist
But the fad’s over

Your idea to
Broadcast kitten blood sports does
Not have mass appeal

There’s nothing funny
About your future this week
—I am so sorry

If anybody
Tries to sell you a creepy
Parrot, turn and run

After much work and
Sacrifice, you will shoot beams
Of light from your eyes

Oh, the squirrels don’t
Seem like much, but with each day
Their great madness grows

After a shocking
Turn of events, you’ll find out
You’re a ghost/killer

Let your freak flag fly
Now that you’ve immigrated
To the Freak Kingdom

Unbeknownst to you
Last week you were the star of
“Hot Showers 13”

Shower every day
This week, ten times each day — I’ll
Tell you why next week

You’ll turn heads walking
Down the street in your new clothes
Made of live pigeons

This week you’ll return
To the School of Hard Knocks to
Complete your Master’s

You will increase your
Earning potential when you
Decrease your self-worth

Would you like some fries
To go with you shaking in
Existential fear?

When you are asked for
Your opinion, remember
That you’re under oath

Television is
Now ready for your show, “Watch
People Watch TV”

Take everything in
Moderation — including
The monkey’s brain juice

You’ll learn your lesson
The easy way — through an old-
Fashioned brain transplant

Your discovery
Of electricity will
Shock only yourself

Hey, if you don’t like
Your horoscope then you can
Go back to Saturn

Only the laughter
Of a child can heal your raw,
Bleeding injuries

Although difficult,
Be patient if you want that
Job as a waiter

Your philosophies
On life will catch on once you
Incorporate breasts

“Being Capricorn”

Will likely not hold up as
A legal defense

You should not swim right
After eating a large meal
Of solid lead weights

That arson isn’t
Cool should be obvious from
Your thermometer

If I were in your
Shoes, I would avoid stepping
On the dragon’s tail

Let them know you're not

Just another pretty face — 

Take off the face mask

Soon your roommate will
Find your porn collection, and
Then he will move out

Although you did it
All for Damien, you’ll find
He’s not that thankful

One day you will learn
To love and to cherish the
Cockroach you hate now

As you sleep, the girl
Of your dreams is having some
Nightmares about you

Quit while you’re ahead —
Not conventional racing
Wisdom, but try it!

Your normal routine
Is just way too bland, add some
Spice to your victims

Shakespeare’s language sounds
Most eloquent coming from
A cartoon snowman

That dude with the dead
Albatross around his neck
Will talk your head off

More masturbation
Fantasies feature you than
You would care to know

You’ll be invited
To an orgy — a clear sign
Of its quality

Sounds better to you with each
Electrical shock

This week they’ll release
GoogleDictionary, which
Adds “Google” to words

Cancel your tour bus
Driving people to the brink
Of insanity

You’re taking the game
Of “Hide the Salami” much
Too literally

If you don’t find those
Marbles soon, you will lose your

You will go down in
History — an example
Of what not to do

King Arthur will be
Knocked out by a blast from a
Bean-filled Megatron

On the one hand, you
Have a point, on the other
Hand you’ve got a hook

Whoever can die
With the most toys will become
The coolest zombie

The technology
For poisonous dinosaurs
Nears its completion

Wolverine entrails —
Sure, they sound gross, but make some
Great pizza toppings

Che Guevara would
Want you to buy that T-shirt
Bearing his image

A bad week ahead —
Your list of people to kill
Just keeps on growing

You should have shaved off
The beard before — now it has
Attained consciousness

You’ll lose a few pounds
This week — that may sound good, but
It’s all from your face

Until you can tie
It in a knot behind your
Back, the beard must grow

As the saying goes
You can’t go home again once
You’ve poisoned the well

The blue cowboy hat
Will open doors to worlds that
You never dreamed of

Give up your claims to
Have invented mixing up
Two Slurpee flavours

Before the year is
Done, live out your dream to have
Sex with a reindeer

This week you will learn
The terrible truth – that your
Cat faked its own death

What were you thinking
When you fed those hummingbirds

A snake in the grass
Or a snake in your ass – this
Is a free country

Don’t duck the question:
Are you having an affair
With that duck or not?

Your accordion
Skills improve this week, as your
Sex appeal dwindles

I don’t know how to
Say this, but your guardian
Angel just skipped town

Back to square one—you’re
Never going to win that
Snakes and Ladders game

I don’t know if you
Should have hired that dingo to
Work as your nanny

Snoop Dogg is selling
Hot dogs. This isn’t a joke.
I am serious.

Nothing you say will
Dissuade me from believing
You’re a Capricorn

Okay, maybe “facts”
Wasn’t the precise word to
Use in this instance

The laws of nature
Will fail this week, as paper
Loses out to rock

The Mulroney tapes
Are nothing compared to your
Bootlegged Trudeau porn

You’re in a rut – try
To be more creative when
Committing murders

Don’t pet a burning
Dog – how have you lived so long
Without my advice?

This week life will make
About as much sense as a
Nirvana lyric

You will find yourself
Cornered this week – a chance to
Test out that stink gland

Consider all the
Evidence before putting
Robots on parole

Some day your ship will
Come in, and on that day you’ll
Get your porn shipment

One thing your novel
About a young girl finding
Herself needs: a match

Get a makeover—
Perhaps made over in the
Image of Satan

So we all agree—
On the pizza we’ll have half
Human flesh, half cheese

Surprisingly, your
Book “How To Live a Sad, Sad
Life” will sell quite well

Life is a highway—
And if that’s true, yours is filled
With roadkill this week

A gay vampire can’t
“Turn you gay,” homophobe—but
You’re a vampire now

Don’t tell people you
Got your own sitcom when you
Just bought DVDs

Is this where you thought
You’d be in your life? Fending
Off rabid penguins?

Your struggle to get
The lid off of that jar would
Make a fine movie

Wow, great alien
Abduction footage! I mean,
Some nice home movies

With your rebel ways
You will set the world of lawn
Bowling on its head

Alcohol is not
The answer to your problems–
The answer is “C”

Treat yourself today
You deserve a reward for
Avoiding capture

You should eat less red
Meat. Also, eat less of the
Gray and greenish meats.

It’ll be a warm
Week, you might want to replace
Your blood with coolant

J. Lo got her start
As a dancer — you’re a street
Hooker. Keep climbing.

Abandon your plans
To infiltrate and breed with
The zoo’s polar bears

If you admit you
Have a problem, then we can
Start killing these rats

Water your flower
Each day or it will never
Become president

It will take all of
Your effort this week to get
Out of that quicksand

There is a monster
Under the bed—don’t panic
Just offer it sex

Rubbing your balls on
A tree trunk doesn’t mean that
You’re the outdoors type

Your knight in shining
Armor will arrive this week
And will challenge you

The Pope will be best
Remembered as a servant
Of the Zombie King

Smashing guitars is
So passé. Now it’s about
Building them from clay.

Take time out this week
For reflection, you vain, vain
Mirror junkie, you

You’re so sweet you must
Be made of sugar. See your
Doctor about this.

When the candle burns
To its very base, you will
Be enlightened—psyche!

Prepare yourself for
The events of next week by
Reading Stephen King

You have to try and
Stop looking so hot—it’s not
Good for your friendships

You still hear the heart
Beating beneath the floorboards–
Invest in earplugs

Refer to yourself
In the third person; you’ll gain
An air of mystique

Watch out: those giant
Pandas are slowly learning
To eat human flesh

You’ve got a gambling
Problem, the problem being
That you’re not lucky

Having a cell phone
Is like having a disease
That you’re paying for

The holidays will
Treat you well if you treat them
With equal respect

Your date will go much
Better than you’re expecting—
Enjoy your “coffee”

I’m the one who should
Be mad — you went and defused
The bomb that I set!

Usher may have the
Moves and the money, but you
Have crippling debt

A film project based
On your life story is once
More not underway

Good news for you—the
Hound on your trail has picked up
A bad drug habit

You will lose your mind
This week but gain a great place
To park your car—score!

You have a great smile
But poor personality
—Marry a dentist

Why buy the milk when
The joy of farming is in
Seducing the cow?

God can’t help you now–
Your life’s achieved a state of
Total perfection

There’s an inherent
Value to human life, and
Also to Pop Rocks

The beauty of God’s
Creation, all spoiled by a
Single man with gas

You’re probably right
Evolution makes less sense
Than magic zombies

You fools will never
Understand the awesome might
Of Duran Duran

You lack gumption—I
Think you can get it from sex
With spider monkeys

Not everyone shares
Your sense of humour. Some folks
Think murder is wrong.

Oh, bargain flying!
What better way to risk life
And limb for a buck

You know what they say:
Penguins are the future. Well,
It will catch on soon

You shouldn’t have styled
Those clues you mailed to the cops
After Jeopardy

Hey, you know what would
Go well with this milk? Cutting
Out your fucking heart

Give in to passion—
Your passion for collecting
Stamps and coins, of course

As you grow older
You gain both greater wisdom
And longer nose hair

Now that you know who
Spider-Man is, you might as
Well go join the club

Their spies want to know
What you know, you know? They know
You know that they know

Your hair is getting
Long. Consider going to
Visit your bald friends.

When you take that beer
Bottle off the wall, update
The inventory

You’ve been taking things
For granted, like the poison
“Working itself out”

You take too many
Things for granted, like that you
Aren’t in the Matrix

As your trial drags on
You’ll wonder if that taco
Was worth all of this

Faith can move mountains
So I’ve heard. Let’s see… hmm, it
Looks like that’s all wrong

Hey, when you meet the
Magical wizard, make sure
You say “hi” for me

You thought you had seen
Enough wheat for one lifetime
But you were dead wrong

The rapture happened
Last night, but you’re still here to
Read this horoscope

Are you just going
To sleep away your life? Hmm
That sounds pretty good

Another reason
For you to love Johnny Depp:
He’s a fine cook, too!

Go for the gold or
(Perhaps more likely) at least
For some golden fries

Think it over: it
Wasn’t the butler who did
It but the penguin

Spring is coming soon
Was your army of snowmen
Worth all the hassle

That special song you
And your lover share will be
Used to sell blenders

You fool—don’t you see
That the penguin still loves you?
Which heart is colder?

Sucker! In a few
Days your horoscope credit
Card will be mailed out

You’ll feel unwelcome
When you see the rows of heads
On stakes—screw those snobs

“Takes one to know one”
With that phrase you will take your
Place among the greats

You’ve got to relax
You’re so paranoid it’s tough
To destroy your life

The revolution
Is coming—you better make
Some extra chicken

Well, you rose to the
Challenge of eating the whole
Turkey. Now you’re dead.

When the moon hits your
Eye that's when you'll see that the
World is against you

It’s all in the name
Call your band “The Most Richest
Band Ever”—trust me

Buy some new guitar
Strings—your old ones have turned to
A hard life of crime

Sing for your supper
How ‘bout “The Ballad of the
Bathroom Window Dash”

Captain James T. Kirk
Will pilot his way into
Your heart and your fridge

Your cheerful stories
Of human triumph inspire
Others to hate you

Do not drink from the
Soda of knowledge or you
Will be cursed with gas

Fools rush in, which makes
Them great fodder for land mines
Thank God for those fools!

Be careful—as the
Price of gas goes up, so will
The price on your head

Take your place among
The literati with a
Poem about kittens

I won’t be “lion”
When I say lions play no
Part in your future

JB and KG
Together they make the D
There is nothing else

Nobody can say
Your song about shakin’ it
Doesn’t change whole lives

Reach for the stars, or
Maybe for that high cupboard
Yeah, that’s more like it

Some jokes are way too
Cerebral for Capricorns
Just pull my finger

You’re a free spirit
Find a body to possess
Before all is lost

Perhaps the life of
A pastor is not for you
O Lord Satanas

Your bullheaded-ness
Hurts your love life, but helps your
“Head-ramming-things” life

Every week I claim
You will suffer some dire fate
How’s that working out?

Things could always be
Worse, like, maybe you could have
Two bears humping you

Your virtual sex
Life gets a big boost from your
Lack of a real life

Smoking is bad for
You unless you’re smoking at
The Mob’s direction

Looking back, joining
A traveling freakshow was
Your only option

You have disobeyed
Willy Wonka’s simple rules
And now you must die

Take it easy this
Week, since next week you will be
Captured by pirates

The stars are in Banff
Right now and can't be bothered
To predict your week

A blow-up doll makes
The perfect companion to
Your sad, sad, sad life

It’s too late to do
Anything, but it’s never
Too late to complain

Relieve all your stress
With cloud-watching; hey, that cloud
Looks like a mushroom

Horoscopes are just
A few syllables long — you
Must remember to

Old Yeller may be
Gone but his spirit lives on
And has sworn vengeance

It’s time you admit
That you have real problems with
Drinking and Martians

It’s spring cleaning time
Grab the enemas and get
Set for a wild ride

Let your spirit run
Free and roam wild but don’t let
It crap on my lawn

Your deathwish will be
Granted as you throw yourself
Down the wishing well

That banana in
Your pocket just keeps giving
Out the wrong signals

I don’t know what you
Have been told, but we do not
Sell meat popsicles

Ingredients: lies,
spite, hatred, malice, wombats,
haikus, horoscopes

Sometimes your future
Is so bad that I just can
Not bear to tell you

Okay, I’m going
To call that toll-free number—
Through a friggin’ pipe

Did you read this first
Because you’re a Capricorn?
You’re also stupid

I scream, you scream, we
All scream when axe-wielding ghouls
Are hunting us down

You might think smoking
Is “cool,” but there’s nothing cool
About forest fires

You will have a great
Week as long as you don’t talk
To Aquarius

You fed the ducks when
The sign said not to, and now
You have doomed us all

A sure-fire way to
Beat the blues is by killing
Living blues legends

You can’t fool all of
The people all of the time
But they can fool you

Sending Anthrax is
Bad, but C.O.D.? That’s the
Ultimate insult

You want to know what
The stars say this week? They say
Mind your biz-nisshun!!!

Just your luck — you will
Get a job in the porn world
As a janitor

It’s not that the tenth
Cat is nice but that he thinks
Torturing is fun

I stand by my claim
That the only good zombie
Is a dead zombie

Don’t take things at face
Value, those wolverines are
Smarter than you think

Calling enemies
‘Chicken’ might get them more riled
Up if they were not

As a poet who
Studies the ancient art of
Haiku, you hate me

Owning a porn mag
Does not mean that you are in
A relationship

People say I’m mean
I say they can write their own
Goddamn horoscopes

You had better get
Your masturbating in prior
To anything else

You may act cruel, but
Deep down you are really just
Heartless and evil

Little can prepare
You for the disappointment
Of Lesbos Island

Ten dollars later
You will realize that Sea
Monkeys are bullshit

Hippie though you may
Be, the way you hug trees is
Far too sexual

It’s lonely at the
Top—you’ll just have to take my
Word on that, loser

Long story short, you
Will wake up to find that the
Dream made much more sense

Making a good first
Impression does not involve
Fire branding strangers

Your plan for a live
Rat wig is crazy enough
That it just might work

I don’t know how to
Say this, but your sign was caught
Filleted and eaten

The jig is up bitch
We all know it was you who
Framed Roger Rabbit

Dandelion wine
Will defy every odd to
Taste worse than it sounds

Vengeance will be yours
As your dark grip encircles
The final french fry

If you read between
The lines you will be wasting
My time and your own

You should recycle
Your newspapers instead of
Killing seals with them

Kiss trouble good-bye
After that wild night it’s the
Least that it expects

If you knew what was
Good for you then you would not
Have drunk the poison

You may mean well but
If you don’t leave a witness
No one will know that

The boy who cried wolf
Probably got his ass kicked
Don’t mention the wolf

Outer space is vast
The ocean is dark and deep
You read horoscopes

This week make sure that
Those things get done and about
That weird guy and stuff

Before you meet your
True love, you should prepare by
Having sex with me

Whoever said that
Truth will set you free is due
For an ass whupping

Your dreams of fame and
Finding some good seafood will
Be partly fulfilled

You smell of success
No wait, it’s really failure
Wear deodorant

Your personal life
Like your new vacuum cleaner
Continues to suck

Enjoy your newfound
Wealth, success, and happiness
They will be fleeting

Hell hath no fury
Like that guy with the blue car
You know, wears a hat

You have the talent
Now the only thing you need
Is more pretzel bread

If you grease the palm
I’ll get the stars to give you
Some action tonight

About Our Practice

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Contact Info

12345 West Elm Street

Phone: 1.888.456.7890

Fax: 1.888.654.9876

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