(June 21 – July 22)

The mystery of
Why you find wombats sexy
Will never be solved

There are no “rules” in
Life, just a complex system
Of unwritten laws

Live your dream—but be
Satisfied to dream about
Being a wage slave

In life, as in art
You must nail yourself to a
Wall to get noticed

They will erect a
Statue of you on top of
A mountain of debt

Your spirit may be
Willing, but your flesh is too
Weak to challenge wolves

The tiny speck of
Self-respect that remained to
You just blew away

You can’t complain if
You paid the dominatrix
Her fee in advance

Your passport to the
Land of Guilt-Free Sex will soon
Expire forever

I advise extreme
Levels of radiation
When reading Dan Brown

Your lucky red hat
Isn’t really lucky—I
Staged that entire year

After a long day
Of meetings, you need to sit
Back and meet bottles

It’s terrible to
Think that no matter what you
Do, you’ll still be you

Your house will increase
In value as soon as you
Dispel that old curse

Times sure change—seems like
Just yesterday that we were
Watching hairy porn

I didn’t make the
Rules, but they clearly state you
Must do all I say

Your horror novel
Needs a better monster than
Terrible grammar

Please stop getting all
Philosophical about
Bottomless coffee

Your attraction to
That electromagnet will
Grow ever stronger

Believe in yourself
And others will believe in
Your suicide cult

The race is not to
The swift, but—wait a second
I think I messed up

Your cell phone will turn
You to a zombie and—what?
Stephen King wrote that?

Poseidon, ruler
Of the sea, demands that you
Stop skinny dipping

Do more research on
Wolverines before you give
One as a gag gift

Warren Buffett has
Some good advice for you: “Use
Sunscreen when outside”

Your attempt to turn
Porn into art will stall at
The research stages

Screaming for Dollars
Sounds like a new game show but
It’s just your fortune

Your essay “Why We
Must Overthrow Churchill” could
Not be more timely

If you aren’t planning
A Chuck Norris marathon
Rethink your whole life

You will struggle to
Write a porn parody of
Parliament meetings

It’s time — put into
Action your master plan to
Murder Beethoven

Travel back in time
And stop yourself from building
Time machines—Good job!

The ghost that haunts your
Minivan will once again
Fail to manifest

Your one-hit wonder
Status will be stripped from you
When you’re punched again

Increase your vocab
By “learning” a bunch of words
You really made up

Don’t trust anyone—
All they will do is give you
Bad advice, trust me

Many things puzzle
You, so let me be clear: this
Week wombat roaster

Believe me when I
Say that you are a fool to
Believe what I say

It takes a real dick
To count the syllables in
All these horoscopes

Enjoy life each day
And let your laugh infect all
With the T-Virus

Sex is just going
To make things awkward between
You and that turtle

You and the toves will
Soon agree—the Jabberwock
Is a real asshole

Now that you have your
Degree in jackal trimming
Hit the job market

Write more songs about
Cookies and how eating them
Will cause brain damage

This week, at long last,
You’ll realize that Gaga
Was overrated

Is a model that works for
Sexual pleasure

Take your frustrations
Out on someone who deserves
It: Snooki’s agent

Need a little more
Money this winter? Test out
These mind-control drugs

The wild life of a
Toll booth operator will
Take its toll on you

If winter’s cold is
Getting you down, try losing
Your sense of what’s real

Getting organized
Will help you accomplish your
Really pointless goals

It will turn out that
Bone chips are not the tasty
Treat you thought they were

I don’t think slapping
Your fat in time with “Wipe Out”
Counts as a cover

If you won’t take a
Bullet for that stupid cat
You don’t get the job

John Grisham’s latest
Novel concerns a lawyer
Who writes lousy books

Don’t expect a good
Horoscope just because you
Paid me to write one

If other lemmings
Ran over a cliff, would you?
I recommend yes

This week you’ll suffer
A horrible loss when I
Stop talking to you

Unless you laugh at
The misfortunes of others
You won’t know life’s joy

You didn’t succeed

The first time, and I advise

You don’t try again

You need to hustle
If you want to make it in
The crocheting game

Sure, they might call you
Crazy, but just keep breaking
Skulls and eating brains

This week you will need
Something stronger than coffee—
Perhaps face punches?

Your emergency
Contact just should not be the
Beatle you liked best

Terrible wisdom
Will be gained when you read the
Poisoned horoscope

Have some fun in the
Sun and then run, eat a bun
And then… I don’t know

Nirvana will soon
Be classic rock and you will
Be suicidal

If anyone now
Names a band that I want at
Least a free CD

With a name like Sir
Doctor von Awesome you must
Enter politics

In your will, be sure
To specify who gets to
Dance upon your grave

Making a porno
With a homeless stranger is
A choice to rethink

Why do you insist
On always trying to match
Wits with Bugs Bunny?

Keep a positive
Attitude even when the
Morlocks take over

Running with scissors
Isn’t a big deal—here, take
This acid vat too

Chaotic evil
Will be unleashed after you
Digest that taco

If the dollar store
Is where you buy your seafood
You will soon be dead

Hey, I don’t know what
Else to say—the goat bought you
And now he owns you

Your desire to learn
The future will be thwarted
By me, and right now

Your future is not
Clear, but it seems to involve
A pack of jackals

These horoscopes can
Be used as a coupon for
A free face-punching

Anyone who knows
You well will have to be killed
To avoid arrest

It turns out Wile E.
Coyote is real, and your
New next-door neighbour

50 Cent will soon
Announce his next project, which
Is robbing your house

You’re overreaching
When you reach for the stars—try
Reaching for some fruit

Your lucky stars are
In another zodiac
So of no value

A court of law will
Find you not guilty by way
Of lookin’ smokin’

Your car not starting?
Yep, it’s a conspiracy
Headed by Loki

Don’t let anyone
Tell you what to do—least of
All your so-called “boss”

Your dog is the god
Of dogs, which means that you should
List him on eBay

Voodoo rituals
Can seem a little creepy
As a first-date thing

You’ve got to shake that
Cough—try voodoo, and if that
Doesn’t work, cough drops

If at first you don’t
Succeed, then I suggest a
Lengthy failure sulk

Sure, they’re alien
Invaders, but they also
Pay the rent on time

“On the planet Glick”—
Start dropping this phrase into
You conversations

In the land of the
Blind, the man with one eye is
A freak, as you’ll learn

I want to suggest
That you think twice before you
Think for a third time

Who needs shoes? You’ll prove
Them obsolete when your feet
Turn into rockets

Nobody likes a
Crybaby — buck up and shove
That eyeball back in

Will supplant your belief in
Magical apples

The end of all things
Will arrive this week when you
Bump the world’s “off” switch

You need to slow down
And take some time for yourself
And your addictions

The stranger with the
Horns on his brow probably
Could use a good friend

The Amateur Porn
Hour and Variety Show

Will be a big hit

You might be psychic
If you think I do not care
About your powers

There is way too much
Violence in the workplace
Of Chris Jericho

There’s something in the
Air this week, and I suspect
That you put it there

Brad Pitt wants you! (To
Stay as far away from him
As is possible)

You’ll learn that Paris
Hilton is a succubus
But won’t be surprised

Make a positive
Difference in someone’s life
By not meeting them

Your house is haunted
By the ghost of a failure
So you won’t notice

You come and go like
A karma chameleon —
Glean meaning from this

Your hay fever will
Progress to an allergy
To Being-as-such

By reading this you
Are agreeing to grant me
Control of your life

Thanks to powerful
Planets, you’ll be in a strong
Position to die

Lady Luck will smile
On you — a sad, pitying,
Condescending smile

I know that it’s hard
But try to be patient with
Your teenaged zombie

You live a charmed life
Now, but luck turns when you break
Mike Tyson’s mirror

Your money will be
Safest in Ball Bonds, which I
Am now offering

For the last time, no!
No! Jared Leto is not
Singing about you!

Ninjas will come to
You in the dead of night and
Eat up your sausage

You will discover
A few new laws this week when
You are arrested

A good question — is
A beard of bees casual
Or for formal dress?

With the batteries
Dead, your best relationship
Has come to an end

Don’t ring the dinner
Bell until your skin is a
Nice pink, and tender

Finally, good news —
You’ll win the lottery, just
Like in that story

A cruel joke ends with
Your enslavement and toil in
The Martian salt mines

Your homemade porno
Would be better if someone
Else featured in it

Your neighbourhood will
Be taken over by a
Gang of bossy cows

Not as much boxes
Involved in kickboxing as
You seem to believe

Put your hair and all
Of your investment money
In a ponytail

If I put a pill
In my drink, and switch my drink
For yours, don’t worry

It’s still too soon to
Make jokes about the death of
Julius Caesar

You must reduce your
Carbon footprint—try cutting
Off your carbon foot

Your get-poor-slow scheme
Is right on track and will be
Your greatest success

Soon the birds and the
Bees will unite against their
Enemy, babies

Freud wants to know why
You keep dreaming about him
And a glazed chicken

My new fad diet
In which you eat only rats
Will actually work

Just listen to the
Voices in your head—they have
Some good recipes

You’ll catch a magic
Fish, who will grant your wishes
If you sleep with it

Tonight’s a good night
To relax, stay home, and work
On your alibi

A simple request
For your liver will somehow
Become a “big deal”

A soul-collecting
Hobby would fulfill you more
Than stamp-collecting

If you thought Goth kids
Were annoying, wait to see
The Visigoth kids

The fate of the world
Depends on a ragtag group
Of Hollywood stars

Look, you were never
In The Matrix, just on the
Set of The Matrix

Learning how to play
The xylophone has made you
The person you are

Incorporate wild
Cats into your juggling act
And you will make it

This week you’ll get your
Wish, and find out that you were
Never really born

Your plan to rob a
Homeless man is astounding
In many respects

If ever you meet
Adam West, ask him for the
Bat shark repellent

Take up biking if
You must, but please don’t take up
Wearing biker shorts

You shouldn’t have taught
Your parrot the complete works
Of H. P. Lovecraft

Improvements in your
Financial position will
Improve your sex life

The aliens have
One weak point: Water. That’s right.
Just kill yourself now.

Cupid’s arrow will
Pierce your heart this week — you’d best
Finalize your will

Your reputation
Will suffer when tests show you
Don’t have a gold heart

The “Reader’s Digest”
Condensed book of your life will
Read simply “Born, mauled.”

Your adaptations
Of Shakespeare will earn you a
Bitch-slap from beyond

You’ll find yourself in
A sticky situation
With sentient slime

Only an onion
Will show the depths of your love
— Do NOT question me!

By now you’ve reached the
Point where the beard is the one
Who is growing you

Look before you leap —
Or, quit leaping into pits
Filled up with vipers

You need more spice in
Your life, and especially
Old Bay seasoning

Do not look a gift
Wooden horse in its hollow
Interior, man!

Your courage will soon
Be recognized by the great
And terrible Oz

Be careful with your
Money and don’t lend it all
To indigent bears

Stop being cheap and
Literal — it’s cruel to make
Homemade toilet duck

Only the poems of
Suzanne Somers will teach your
Heart to sing again

Some good fortune for
You this week — great Cthulhu
Will devour you last

Don’t pick sides — see how
This whole Vampire/Ghost war is
Going to play out

Straighten up and fly
Right — I paid a lot of cash
For this plane ticket

Set clear goals, and be
Patient, and step-by-step you’ll
Eat that volcano

Take it like a man —
Particularly, like a
Man who is a thief

Go with the flow — there
Is no way you’ll escape the
Current anyway

Give it to me straight —
Nothing’s worse than a crooked
Ass thermometer

Your homemade nuts and

Bolts will be the hit of the

Robot coke party

If you accomplish
Nothing else in life, at least
You finished those chips

Just for a change of
Pace, try seducing someone
Under eighty-five

This week you will be
Followed around by Stephen
King, who’s “researching”

You can pick your friends
But you can’t pick to be freed
From your living Hell

Shake things up a bit!
That nitroglycerin is
Boring everyone

Though your dog is set
To graduate before you
Do not be bitter

The BEST recipes
Are in Kraft’s “Macaroni
& Sleaze” magazines

Get the drug-sniffing
Dog into rehab, if you’re
Truly his best friend

Stop traveling on
Airplanes like a sucker and
Fly with Dragon Air

That giant space ape
Poses many problems for
Science — and Sexy

Without your morning
Coffee, you are useless to
The Skeleton Lord

Stop issuing press
Releases every time you
Go to the bathroom

Your research into
The cause of research studies
Will not fulfill you

He lied once, but give
Tom “Two Times” Jackson a chance
To redeem himself

Playing all of those
Games where you killed zombies will
Finally pay off

A diet plan? For
You I would suggest trying
The “no-rats” diet

You will be surprised
To learn that an angel’s wings
Are made out of dogs

A little laughter
Goes a long way towards your
Insanity plea

Keep your eye on the
Ball whenever performing
Prostate surgery

Paris Hilton will
Purchase your hopes and dreams this
Week, when she runs low

Proposing astride
An incontinent horse is
The true test of love

Try lighting a few
Candles to spice up your sex
Life with that fireman

To get the most out
Of Hell, challenge yourself to
Make business contacts

You will finish your
Novel this week — celebrate
This wasting of years

Whatever you have
Planned for this week, add vampires
Then sell the film rights

The good news about
Your arrest is that you’re out
Of jury duty

If the nuns didn’t
Steal your car, who did? Surely
Not Stealy McGee

Keep your weird sex stuff
To yourself and those twenty-
Seven eels you bought

Your sex tourism
Trip to Venus is wrong — both
Its ethics and facts

When the perfect grilled
Cheese sandwich comes into your
Life, you will marry

You think you’re such a
Big shot, but can you stop time?
I didn’t think so

Don’t tempt Fate – he just
Got himself out of rehab
A few days ago

You make a good case
But I still deny you my
Dog’s hand in marriage

What goes around comes
Around – you’ll learn the hard way
From that boomerang

The zombie Sanders
Will fall this week before your
Skeleton chickens

It’s true beans are the
“Musical fruit,” but give up
Dreams of Juilliard

If you keep eating
Your bananas like that you
Will cause a car crash

Blame it on the rain
It’s just as good as a plea
Of insanity

Home is where your heart
Is—you should taken that
With you when you left

Can you explain why
You’re building that snowman out
Of good intentions?

Chuck taught Bob Barker
Karate and in exchange
Gained eternal life

One sheep has left the
Flock – reclaim it at the cost
Of your loyal sheep

Your home will burn down
And all evidence point to
A jealous raccoon

A coupon for breast
Augmentation is not the
Best birthday present

When you married that
Horse, you should have known she was
Gonna be a nag

Look at those druggie,
Pervert frogs, licking themselves.
You could learn from this.

You’ll be a lethal
Dose of cute this week – just look
At that poisoned smile!

Cheer up, it’s not the
End of the world, merely the
End of your kingdom

This week will end in
Heartache. That’s right—the lion
Will tear out your heart

Keep your eye on the
Ball—sorry, I mean that as
A figure of speech

You’ll find your missing
Sock—in the alley, wasted
On vodka and glue

Your allergies will
Act up this week—they got small
Roles in Othello

You really have to
Stop leaving your keys in the
Door of the jail cell

For your birthday, I
Give you this horoscope, you
Can fill in the blank: _________

Your birthday has come,
Or just come, or is coming—
Yes, I am psychic

The rap game ain’t for
The tame—as a kitten you
Will never make it

This week you’ll find out
That your dog is gay and you
Were the last to know

Do not let your dream
Of dying and coming back
As a zombie die

With psychosis like
Yours, you could become the next
Big self-help guru

It’s about time you
Took masturbation matters
Into your own hands

Sport some mad bling with
A fancy new diamond car
With models for rims

You may feel as if
There’s something holding you back
That would be the bars

It isn’t a “Film
Festival” when you just screen
Porn in your bedroom

Your sign is a crab
And this week, you will be the
Host of many crabs

Jesus likes all the
Attention, but for him that
Friday wasn’t “good”

Your parents love you
It’s just that they also love
To throw knives at you

If only more eggs
Had been fried, our drug problems
Would be solved by now

Your self-esteem needs
A boost. Why don’t you make some
Toast? You can do it!

This week I’ll sue you
And win. “Sonnet Horoscopes”
My ass, buddy-boy

If linguists want to
Stay competitive, then they
Should study Snoop-Speak

They could rebuild you
They have the technology
But they’re on lunch break

A car is a big
Investment—don’t skimp, get all
Its ghosts exorcised

That chimp may have beat
You for “Best Actor,” but you
Will win for “Most Lice”

It’s not nice to laugh
At the pain of others, though
It is quite funny

Do not get carried
Away—that is the first step
To being kidnapped

Later this week, your
Soul will be acquired by the
GE company

Sure, you fall on your
Ass sometimes, but think of this:
It’s a nice, firm ass

Oh, it isn’t an
Addiction if you’re taking
Time out to read this

The universe is
Conspiring to prevent you
From ever sleeping

You will damage your
Coccyx this week—I’ll wait while
You go look it up

You’re asking for it
Walking under that ladder
And over that hole

You didn’t read the
Fine print, and now you owe me
The night with your bride

Thank you for the card
And yes, I’ve had a good year–
Only three maulings

The world needs to know
How you really feel about
Star Trek comic porn

There’s got to be a
Better way to get oil than
Wringing out your hair

Your future’s a blank
Slate—yes, you’ll get that job at
The slate factory

You’ve come a long way
From your beginnings as an
Alien implant

Don’t be so prudish
You can fit at least three of
These gerbils up there

Sadly, you will find
Yourself the next one voted
Out of the lifeboat

You need a new mouse
For your computer, why not
Upgrade to a rat?

You’ll laugh yourself to death. No,
Not literally.

Dracula doesn’t
Love you, he’s just using you
For the sex and blood

Rapid Transit and
Egyptian mythology
Both need Anubis

Finally, A &
W has a pre-teen
Burger for you, perv

You’ll be missed this week
Don’t go thinking that sniper
Takes you for granted

One day you will learn
The quickest way to a man’s
Heart is porno films

Morpheus, Lord of
Sleep, will come to you tonight–
He wants his five bucks

Beware of gifts this
Week, they’ll bring ill fortune, I’ll
Take them off your hands

Silver isn’t good
Enough, only gold will please
The nation’s rappers

Cutting out carbs? Why
Don’t you try my diet plan:
Cutting out your heart

All is not lost, you
Still have that piece of string that
Helps you remember

Worlds will collide when
Your dominatrix meets your
Grandmother Patty

Be a friend, help me
Escape from this shark tank—we’ll
Pull a switcheroo

Zeus comes to ravish
You in the form of a hit
Broadway musical

Everything will fall
Into place this week, when you
Fall from a high place

You will suffer much
Heartbreak this week when rabid
Dogs rip out your heart

Kill the next guy who
Yells out “play some Slayer!” He
Has it coming, man

If the puppet tells
You to kill, then you don’t have
To listen, just kill

Do not take things for
Granted — you probably don’t
Need examples why

If I could just get
Emilio Estevez
In a horoscope…

The slings and arrows
Of outrageous fortune? It’s
Just a broken straw

Your satellite dish
Was worth each penny—now you
Never have to think

All your worries are
Nothing in the face of pie
Have a slice, stranger

You might have gotten
More than that lousy T-shirt
If you’d shown some skin

Rethink your gift of
A walrus—will it really
Show your true feelings?

Was that cocaine or
Anthrax? Either way, you just
Made a big mistake

If you were looking
For spring cheer, you shouldn’t have
Looked straight at this page

Where did you learn to
Drive? Asshole driving school? Well,
They should close it down

You’ve got a sick mind
And reading this column is
Not helping matters

This week a chip will
Be implanted in your head
Maybe some dip too

Not all men are pigs
One day you’ll discover that
Some guys respect chicks

Cardboard deities
Won’t answer prayers, but are
Good in sandwiches

It’s your time to shine
After being exposed to
That radiation

You’re coming on too
Strong—ask for a date, don’t just
Stand and masturbate

Like abstract art, yours
Is an unconventional
Beauty, which most hate

Your tailor shop on
The Street of Crocodiles will
Turn heads and drop jaws

It’s just a mite cold,
So here is a winter tip:
Lose the will to live

Before bananas
Are extinct, you must make as
Much porn as you can

I need to store five
Cute, shaved koala bears at
Your place—don’t ask why

Look in the distance
While I tell you about the
Rabbits. You see them?

Your social skills could
Use improvement—when asking
For a date, don’t scream

A new war will start
Not on terror or drugs, but
On bad evilness

It’s time you faced up
To what you’ve done, that mural
Up on the ceiling

First go after the
Money, then the power, and
Then those great nachos

So you are dreaming
Of a white Christmas? I’ll bet
You are, you racist

It’s going to take
Some major bling-bling if you
Wanna wife Lil’ Kim

Your brilliant plans will
Not come to fruition, but
You will eat some fruit

Yeah, that hooker had
A heart of gold, but also,
She had something else

Problems loom in your
Life like mountains, or like some
Other looming things

You will be shocked to
Discover that one shouldn’t
Chew on power cords

You’re guaranteed an
Oscar for your portrayal
Of an Oscar thief

You don’t chew enough
Gum — start chewing much more gum
For the love of God!

Don’t be afraid to
Be yourself, but be afraid
Of the one-eyed bear

Writing horoscopes
Is a great way to ignite
Pointless rivalries

If these horoscopes
Aren’t accurate enough for
You, consult the hand

You didn’t join the
Police force to beat people
But it’s a nice perk

You should write a book
Expounding your theories
On, like, energy

Your penchant for the
Word “penchant” will result in
A lame horoscope

In ancient times, seers
Said a lot of things, mostly
Bad stuff about you

You can have the pen
I will take the sword, and we'll
Settle this dispute

Don’t let yourself be
Held back by simple things like
Angry policemen

It takes skillz to be
One of those rappers who just
Repeats the last word

You’ll feel better in
The morning, when you have lost
All your self-respect

Your fate has been sealed
Though you struggle, you will be
Sold a new toothbrush

Why not take a trip
While you’re gone I’ll watch your house
As it is burgled

There's a time for peace
And a time to steal a cow
And get what's comin'

You have no excuse
For that hole in the ozone
And the platypus

Sometimes you have to
Fight dirty, and other times
It is just more fun

They say that you can’t
Take it with you but you will
Prove them wrong again

Enjoy the small things
In life, but keep an eye on
That evil squirrel

It’s not cheating if
You masturbate while thinking
About your own hand

You will travel to
The future only to find
That the brochure lied

The wolf on your ass
Will not be deterred by your
Lack of interest

The pressure is on
Get your ass the hell out of
That pressure cooker

There’s nothing wrong with
Wanting to give me money
For no good reason

Your problems have one
Reasonable solution
A monkey knife-fight

There’s nothing funny
About a monkey forced to
Jockey a racehorse

Tossing the pigskin
Is good clean fun for the whole
Butcher family

Listen to your old
Records — it’ll remind you
How bad your taste is

Your album will top
The charts in the magical
Land of Make-Believe

You are a rare breed
Half-woman, half-polar bear
Beware of fire ants

Show her you love her
Nothing says romance quite like
Cash on the nightstand

A true anarchist
Doesn’t use massage oils when
Screwing the system

Spice up your love life
Try paranoid delusions
Or tabasco sauce

Whoever laughs last
Laughs best, and also wins the
Laughing marathon

Your heart will break this
Week in another triumph
Of my voodoo tricks

Don’t send a rolling
Stone on an important moss
Gathering errand

This week, take some time
To think of all the things that
Grow on your toothbrush

Confucius says: If
You can’t have champagne every
Day, then drink Fresca

The warm fire beckons
Like an old friend, but resist
The urge to hug it

Nine out of ten cats
Agree — you have no useful
Purpose in their life

You will get the chance
To hold your head up high this
Week, with a neck brace

Take your victories
Where you find them, in this case
In your wildest dreams

I don’t want to give
Away the surprise, so just
Two words: rockets, ass

Celebrity will
Be thrust upon you and your
Deviant sex life

Hell and high water
Are just two of the things which
Affect your sex life

Hey babe, what’s your sign?
I guess it’s a dumb question
But I’m really drunk

Crap-flinging monkeys
Have limited appeal as
Housewarming presents

Learn something new this
Week, like how to avoid the
Bear trap in the yard

As summer turns to
Fall, a young man’s fancy turns
To robots and beer

“The Strange Case of One
Mr. Pickle” will alarm
You with its insight

You will be dismayed
To learn it is not the thought
That counts but the size

Chainsaws can be fun
Paint a cute design on yours
And burst through the wall

You have the lock and
The barrel, and now all you
Have to do is wait

Call them on their bluff
In poker you cannot raise
With your wooden leg

Sex on the beach sounds
Like fun until a pointy
Shell gets stuck up there

The stars say that they
Are serious, and to stop
Calling them Shirley

Knaw that old leg off
I think I saw a nature
Show where they grew back

The good news is that
You no longer have to waste
Your time by chewing

Some people look good
The way a train wreck looks good
You are one of these

Though no man is an
Island, you sure fooled me with
That crazy get-up

Spoony B is all
The pimp you need, baby—now
Start making that dough

Your jokes aren’t funny
But you make up for it in
The face department

Relax with painting
Maybe a portrait of your
Violent cellmate

Give up eating meat
Not only will you lose weight
But you will gain wimp

Your soul will know joy
Like the joy of a child with
Toys they used to like

The meaning of life
Is probably something deep
Not chocolate PEZ

With Easter over
You might want to think about
Getting off the cross

With your vast legions
Of loyal field mice, you will
Accomplish nothing

Life is like a game
You will never win it and
You think it’s stupid

Stop to smell flowers
They are good for what ails you
Except that weird boil

Two heads are better
Than a single big elbow—
It’s kind of useless

You are as cute as
A button sewed onto a
Young punk rock rabbit

Your favourite cat
Plots daily to murder you
You still think it’s cute

When they made you, they
Broke the mold in many ways
Thus the bill they sent

Give all your money
To rude telemarketers
They are people too

You are going to
Die in a car accident
Avoid paying bills

About Our Practice

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Contact Info

12345 West Elm Street

Phone: 1.888.456.7890

Fax: 1.888.654.9876

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