Aries 2018-05-04T13:09:47+00:00

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Your life will be like
A porn film this week—stupid
And just not sexy

Alcohol abuse
Is not the answer to your
Problems—or is it?

No lifeguard is on
Duty in this haiku, so
Read at your own risk

Your world will shatter
This week when you realize
That wrestling is fake

We all make mistakes
In our lives, but those you make
This week will end yours

After you become
Transformed into a spider
Sell the “fly diet”

Your twitter account
Will turn on you as soon as
It gains sentience

Break away from your
Old ways of thinking about
Eratosthenes

The mild terror that
You feel is just the thrill of
The hunt—keep running

You’ll be shocked to learn
Edgar Allan Poe lived in
Your car all this time

What makes a house a
Home are the people who live
There you want to kill

Are you saying that
Da Vinci hid some codes? You
Should write a novel

Remember what your
Mother used to say: Norman,
You must murder them

You don’t have to thank
Me just because I destroyed
Everything you love

Putting scorpions
In your pants—a sure way to
Divine the future

Break away from your
Old routine through the use of
Expired milk products

Does it sadden you
To know that your sports car is
Worth more than your life?

When you stare into
The abyss, the abyss will
Ask to see your tits

I don’t know how to
Solve your problem of needing
To clip some papers

The new year will bring
With it many a chance to
Redeem your coupon

Having a Christmas
Birthday can be difficult
When you worship Thor

If you do not like
Being Satan’s assistant
Then you should just quit

As winter deepens
So will your love of setting
Fire to everything

You will be forced to
Go into hiding after
You badmouth puppies

A hardboiled egg is
Just what you need to lift the
Curse of the were-chick

You’ve risen as high
As you can go in your hot
Air balloon career

Cut your arm off—you’re
Not in a trap NOW, but you
Never know, buddy!

Your ex will try to
Win you back though a poorly
Planned rap serenade

Open up your heart
To new things, like amateur
Home heart surgery

Drop a poisonous
Snake into your pants. Must you
Question everything?

Don’t make the cookie
Recipe you found inside
Dracula’s cookbook

You should have let the
Sleeping dogs lie instead of
Insulting their Moms

If at first you don’t
Succeed, try once more to fight
The mighty Mothra

You’ll know it’s true love
When she helps you clean up all
The bloody entrails

Property values
In your neighbourhood drop once
You take possession

Bright side: you will get
Royalties from the horror
Film based on your life

What if I told you
That you DID need a hole in
Your head? Hunh? What then?

Bob Dylan’s lyrics
Inscrutable though they seem
Are attacks on you

You will have one more
Cloudless, sunny day before
Hell recaptures you

Your recent stomach
Pain has been caused by a small
But gassy demon

Because you have a
Vote, this democracy thing
Will no longer work

Hey, did you make all
Those clones just so you could have
Some wacky orgy?

There are few wilder
Things than wet T-shirt contests
At the old folks’ home

By the power of
Grayskull, you must update your
Pop culture knowledge

In screenwriting, as
In love, no one wants to pay
You money for that

The summer sun will
Brighten your day but spoil your
Plans for an ice fort

This week take time to
Do something that you always
Wanted to do—meth

Though peanut butter
Is sticky, it is not the
Work of the devil

The crows will pick your
Bones clean but take solace in
This fact: you’re tasty!

The worst thing you could
Do in your situation
Is annoy the bull

It’s a sad state of
Affairs when you mix up the
Names of your lovers

Buying me a hot
Tub is the best way to have
A happy future

Your future looks bright
So start planning a move to
A larger dumpster

You cut a bad deal
When you gave up your firstborn
For a bag of chips

Do not tell people
You do your own stunts when you
Do not work in film

Hot chocolate will
Warm your spirits and send you
Back in time somehow

Chemical weapons
Have nothing on those stories
About your old job

Don’t believe the hype
About hype being so dang
Unbelievable

I hate to tell you
Now, but somehow you married
A rusty steamboat

Dracula is not
The best boyfriend, but at least
He’s got his own life

The love of your life
Will throw you over for five
Bucks and some mint gum

You would have more friends
If you began paying them
An hourly stipend

You can improve your
Golf game by giving up the
Sport of golf itself

Now you know the truth:
Kennedy was shot by a 

Terminator bot

Your love affair with
Sham marriages is the start
Of a shame spiral

If you really want
To slim down a bit, try to
Drink less bacon fat

A happy frog will
Ply you with liquor and learn
All of your secrets

After much kicking
You will finally get rid
Of all of those jams

A quite delicate
Ecosystem is destroyed
When you let one rip

You aren’t crazy, but
Try telling the leprechauns —
They don’t understand

If you need to cheer
Up think of all the fun your
Dog will have in Hell

When you laugh the whole
World will explode — it’s all part
Of my evil plot

Shout “Here’s a special
Delivery of PAIN” as
You gift some French bread

Moping while on your
Moped is not attractive
But appropriate

Taking the stage with
A Guitar Hero setup
Was not a wise move

It’s safe to say that
“Mobile Lubrication” does
Not mean what you think

Get yourself a new
Savings account and try to
Deposit a fish

Your short story book
Based on what’s in your fridge will
Sell to Hollywood

It pains me to say
This — your “Horrid Hounds of Hell”
Is a great poem

You will regret not
Having more things to regret
Later in your life

A robotic chimp
Is controlling you from a
Room in the attic

You need to mix things
Up — try eating lichen and
Having sex with bats

Get a restraining
Order against the ghost of
Don Giovanni

Embark on a new
Path, one that doesn’t lead to
The old slaughterhouse

What would Jesus do
If confronted by a wild
Bobcat, part cyborg?

You’re just the kind of
Person who would pay to have
Sex with a pony

Let your hair down a
Little, Rapunzel, or you
Will NEVER get laid

Make an effort to
Be nice to others even
While they’re cooking you

Note to self: never
Let anyone take away
Your toy penguin doll

Lay down your life this
Week for the freedom to eat
Lime jell-o with peas

Sugar and spice are
But two of the things you need
To clone your own girl

Get more sleep, spend more
Time in a magical dream
World where folks like you

You asking for Mike
Tyson’s autograph will be
Your last living act

After stuffing your
Face with cream eggs you’ll learn the
Hard truth of young love

It’s shotgun wedding
Time! Yes, your shotguns will soon
Be wed forever

You’re like a Greek god
In that nobody believes
In you any more

The best way to get
The abs of steel you want is
To dream about them

You’ll meet your long-lost
Twin this week, who will kill you
And then steal your life

Your decision to
Become a poet secures
The death of the art

Your fear of things that
Cause fear will trap you in a
Fearsome feedback loop

Angel Gabriel
Will appear to you, but then
Just swipe your wallet

You’ll get no gangster
Cred for claiming you were one
Of the Ben Folds Five

The cops are after
You — you shouldn’t have held up
That police station

Though grey skies will clear
Up, there’s no reason to wear
Hideous clown masks

That you keep “finding”

Corpses is much more than a
Mere coincidence

If you’ve followed this
Column closely, you’ll know that
You’re already dead

It’s a fish’s life—
By which I mean you’ll wander
Aimless till your end

You control thunder—
If people don’t believe this
Then that’s their problem

David Lynch bought the
House next door, but your life still
Somehow stays boring

Green your life—commit
Identity theft against
David Suzuki

The spoils of war go
To the victors in the World
Monkey-Fighting League

Columbo knows you
Did it but will pretend the
Dog did—till you crack

Public displays of
Affection are most awkward
With your pet rattler

Get a little wild
This week—enter the woods and
Kill things with your teeth

Watch out—Vin Diesel
For some reason blames you for
His career flagging

You need to take time
To regenerate—you are
Missing too much flesh

A thick, juicy steak
Is just the kind of thing you
Need as your new god

Though you’ll kill the dog
Its bark will continue to
Wake you up at night

If it feels good do
Not attempt it when nearby
An open window

Ordering nachos
On top of your nachos was
Stupid, yet brilliant

Somehow, years ago,
Franz Kafka managed to pen
Your biography

The price of oil might
Rise soon, so keep collecting
That oily discharge

You’ll be unnerved while
Reading Freud to find he wrote
A paper on you

Your secret hatred
Of The Tragically Hip
Will soon get you lynched

Actually, you should
Select Doctor Doom as your
Family doctor

You need to start a
Band that only writes songs that
Concern movie plots

You can’t handle the
Truth, nor can you handle a
Movie with Tom Cruise

The ripcord didn’t
Work, nor the reserve cord, so
Try the spinal cord

A helpful friend will
Aid you in disposing the
Bodies this weekend

By the power of
Grayskull, you must stop quoting
“He-Man” this minute

That trip you’re planning
To the alley beside your
Home will be a blast

Small designer bags
Made out of dried rat vomit
Will be the next craze

This week will be full
Of events that will cause you
To feel emotions

You’ll prove the critics
Wrong and pick out your ass and
Elbow in taste tests

Nobody likes your
Band “The Smart Aleks Who Love
To Say ‘Told You So’”

The new Hummers are
Expensive, and fueled by the
Blood of the unborn

Although you may doubt
Yourself this week, stay the course
And eat the whole car

Too much of a good
Thing leads you down the road of
Waffle overdose

You’ll get a morale
Boost this week when your lover
Stops cheating on you

If you weren’t ready
For gang life you shouldn’t have
Joined with the Care Bears

Look, I like seeing
You, but my pockets ARE where
I keep bananas

You will find yourself
In medieval France this week —
Send me a postcard

Expect a sudden
And startling surprise as you
Reach the end of boo!

Hey, any friend of
Jimmy the Friendless Wombat
Is a friend of mine

Listen, you don’t have
To worry — that tree’s bark is
Much worse than its bite

“Crush — Kill — Destroy” is
Not the best setting on which
To leave your blender

This week will be a
Test of your mettle, and your
Knowledge of Metal

Silence is golden
But the economy can’t
Be sustained thusly

You can add garlic
To everything, even your
List of phobias

Your calculations
For π do not need to cool
On the windowsill

You don’t know what it
Means to give up — I suggest
You learn, and do so

You had some gay old
Times with Fred Flintstone, but it
Was a summer thing

Hannibal Lecter
Has much to teach you about
A good poker face

You’ll be mistaken
For Keith Richards this week — go
To the hospital

See a hypnotist
To help yourself stop smoking
The bones of the dead

Loosen up — let the
Prisoner play with your gun
For a little while

Soon you will need a
Passport for all air travel
Into Narnia

A touch of the flu?
Fight that bad stomach bug by
Swallowing grenades

Your dream to become
A plumber is somebody
Else’s worst nightmare

You will steal her heart
This week, thus kick-starting a
Three-province car chase

Your future this week
Is read not in the stars but
In some dog vomit

You will be tortured
Until you reveal to them
The beef’s location

Well, you got the skunk
Drunk — now you have to deal with
The consequences

Yes, grapefruit is good
For your health, but only when
It is ingested

Make it your mission
To revive the long lost art
Of nipple sculpture

The Legend of King
Arthur will inspire you to
Get a round table

You’ll be living the
High life after starting your
Own opium den

Get up earlier —
With a small life adjustment
The worms will be yours

Democracy is
Not working, we need to try
Out “Steel Cage”-cracy

This week scientists
Will learn the dinosaurs died
From embarrassment

All things considered,
Your date with the monster-god
Cthulhu went well

I guess that I just
Don’t know what you see in that
Invisible man

Before you decide
To go freelance, assess the
Market for blowjobs

Don’t let your dreams die —
One day you’ll transform into
A half-cat creature

Your best years are gone
You shouldn’t have volunteered
For that product test

There's no way to be
Sure which Olsen twin is which —
You must kill them both

A war will end this
Week as a direct result
Of your protest chant

Does that gun make you
Feel like a big man? No? Then
Maybe try this one

The polar bears that
Have been following you just
Want your autograph

Don’t assume — it makes
An ass out of Ume, and
Then she’ll kick your ass

Scientists will test
Your claim to be horny as
A three-peckered goat

I must admit that
Catapulting penguins just
Might win you the war

Yours is the website
That would get more hits if you
Took down the nude pics

Put your money where
Your mouth is and hire monkeys
To man the counters

Soon it will be the
Moment of truth, followed by
The lifetime of lies

Tap dancing penguins?
They will either make you rich
Or destroy your life

Keep your enemies
Close—I suggest marrying
The worst one of all

That new swearing jar
Will drive you to the very
Edge of poverty

You need to knead, but
You need to keep that need to
Knead under control

Tutoring McQueen
Chuck taught Steve the fine art of
Fighting and of Love

You must quit smoking
If you want people to stop
Hosing your ass down

Engraving your name
On your skis is one thing, on
Your kids another

It will truly rain
Men this week, after a failed
Parachuting jump

Those cigarettes will
Take years off your life – leaving
You just five minutes

Follow your heart in
All things – oops, sorry Tin Man,
I wasn’t thinking

The seasons pass—get
Ready to say good-bye to
Your fair-weather friends

You are better off
Alone than with that jerk – though
The jerk was well-hung

Vary your reading–
Try a book that doesn’t have
Explicit photos

Keep all your eggs in
The same basket if you want—
What do those jerks know?

“Breaking like the wind”—
Perhaps not the best line to
End your new poem

Spice will be added
To your life this week after
You are pepper-sprayed

Buddhism isn’t
Working out for you—go try
Lesbianism

Little hope exists
For your dream of becoming
A great Scorpio

Chase those summertime
Blues away with a smile and
Furious screaming

Yes it’s bikini
Season but this applies to
Women not wombats

“What goes up, must come
Down”—not a great attitude
Concerning weight loss

Those “worthless rats” will
Be worth a lot in the post-
Apocalypse world

It looks like it might
Be time to resort to your
Plan G—Giving up

We need to work out
More — let’s go down to the gym
And lift some wallets

This week I’d like to
Take you to dinner. Why don’t
We say… oh… Hell-ish?

You know what? This week,
Settle for second place. Why
Must you be so vain?

Cthulhu will rise
This week—you might as well get
Some jogging in now

Your kindness shines as
A beacon for all, often
Blinding small children

Good going, pal—you
Shot the Easter bunny. Now,
You must become him.

A howler monkey
Would make a great replacement
For that alarm clock

Without the right to
Bear arms, how will you protect
Yourself from King Kong?

If you’re driving this
Week, watch out for deer—they will
Try to jack the car

You’ll get more than you
Bargained for when you decide
To hire the hooker

That monkey may have
A better job than you, but
You’re screwing his wife

As president of
The Vanilla Ice Fan Club
Your nights are lonely

Time will heal all wounds–
Then, it will take away your
Life and eat your bones

Crocodile Dundee
Will try to sell you his knife
For some drug money

Don’t be afraid to
Show your emotions, but be
Afraid of the bear

Smokey the Bear, where
Have you gone? Do you still think
About us, sometimes?

Better get home to
The old ball and chain—I am
Under house arrest

All those aliens
Wanted was for you to take
The Pepsi taste probe

This week, try something
New—how about changing your
Entire life’s course

You are really a
Robot, I would have told you
Sooner but forgot

You are a fighter
Of destiny, and you will
Defeat that gopher

You owe it to your
Revolutionary art
To look more brooding

Sorry, my advice
For you must still be at home
In those other pants

Now that your Xmas
Shopping is finished, your ghost
May find peace at last

I predict that you
Still haven’t noticed that there’s
Something on your lip

Everyone likes to
Get Christmas cards, but not all
People want your love

It’s been a busy
Year for you, take some time off
To eat some flowers

You’ll have a happy,
Healthy, pre-lobotomy
Time this week. Next week…

Relocating those
Penguins to the North Pole was
A bold strategy

Cut the mold off of
Your cheese—now cut your lover
Right out of your life

That firewall around
Your computer is going
To burn down your house

Sure, you’re a werewolf
At night, but that doesn’t mean
You don’t have feelings

Fake your own death this
Week — that’ll put a stop to
Telemarketers

The aliens aren’t
Trying to study you, they
Are just really drunk

This Britney Spears is
Intriguing—bring her to me
Locked in Carbonite

You will rent some porn
Then events will result in
You purchasing it

Pay attention, I’m
Only going to mumble
The magic words once

Jesus is coming
Soon — replace his cat with one
That looks just like it

Like Samson, all your
Power is derived from your
Long, flowing mullet

Seal-flavoured condoms
Are a better idea
Than you might expect

Hundreds of years from
Now, they’ll figure out why you
Chose to wear speedos

Underestimate
That cute, sweet bunny at your
Own risk, muchacho

Society can
No longer tolerate your
Jeans being so tight

The sasquatch is not
A myth, nor is he really
An exciting date

Life is difficult
And sadly you don’t get to
Ask the audience

Take time out for you
Worry about that psycho
Chasing you next week

It’s not polite to
Point out the faults in people’s
Building foundations

It’s silly to feel
Bad about things you cannot
Change, like that lightbulb

All those who do not
Remember the past are doomed
To rewatch Showgirls

While you were in the
Shower your phone rang, your team
Scored, and the bomb dropped

You’ve succeeded where
Others have failed, in failing
Continuously

Your drum solo will
Be remembered until at
Least next Saturday

This is bat country!
For God’s sake man, don’t panic
Or we’re gonna die!

Oh, waiter? I’ll have
The poisoned iced tea. When it
Comes, switch it with his.

Your poetry would
Benefit from editing
Out all of the words

It takes a certain
Kind of person to commit
One’s life to burgers

How can world peace come
To pass when you won’t hold a
John 3:16 sign?

Crop circles—are they
The work of aliens, or
Just some lazy corn?

That bump in the night
Can easily be explained
As clumsy monsters

Bury the hatchet
Future generations can
Chop the wood for you

You’re going to lose
Your hat this week, so you might
As well accept it

Something is missing
In your life, and that thing is
A cool sombrero

Those stick-on tattoos
Won't make up for your lack of
Self-defense training

That band “The Darkness”
Is cool, but they would rock more
As “The The Darkness”

You know, aliens
Have feelings too, and hurt when
You resist their probes

James Caan you’re not, but—
Wait a minute—you’re James Caan!
Wow, who’da thunk it?

You will come into
Some money this week—hey, we
Should get together

Where there’s a will, there’s
A way to tamper with the
Will and benefit

At least send that damn
NSync guy to the moon base
And make it useful

Everyone is like
A candle in the wind, sure.
Stop writing poems.

Archangel Michael
Wants you to know that he is
Sick of your bullshit

Your raw hunger will
Drive you to succeed in life
At least while eating

Down on your luck? Start
To carry corpse chunks from an
Unlucky rabbit

Cheer up! The Hellhound
With which you have been cursed will
Keep away Mormons

The New Year stretches
Out before you, like a drug
Addled prostitute

It’s the Hannukah
Horoscope! Quit possessing
Me, Adam Sandler

Your future involves
An evil monkey god and
A whole lot of crap

Your worst fear will come
To life this week. Yes, you did
See a puddy tat.

War! What is it good
For? Well, for one thing, stealing
Someone’s precious oil

Go with the flow and
Speed that downward spiral up
Just a little bit

Life is what you make
It; the adage rings true, you
Mad scientist, you

Cheer up! Your graying
Hair looks distinguished—though it
Does mean you’re dying

The adoring eyes
Of your many potatoes
Offer creepy love

Like all cultures, drug
Culture has its own customs
Like forgetting them

Over time, you will
Learn to love that alien
Baby like your own

Time to draw the line
In the sand and then wonder
What good that did you

Sometimes even the
Best of friends squabble or have
A fight to the death

The longer you talk,
The harder the knocks. That’s life.
Word to your mother.

You will never feel
Alone as long as you have
Your paranoia

All your volunteer
Work is giving evil twins
A terrible name

Now that you own your
Own exercise equipment
Sit back and eat pie

Getting a degree
In Scientology was
Not your greatest move

No one shall ever
Learn the dark truth about your
Grade 7 math test

I’ve said it before
And I will say it again:
I’ve said it before

Your plan to get laid
By playing bass guitar has
Fundamental flaws

Impersonating
A large sloth will only get
You so far in life

You will be swept off
Your feet by the janitor
Of your wildest dreams

You must face the facts
That trampoline will haunt you
To the bitter end

You will become a
Hero to castrated men
Everywhere this week

You’ve graduated
And become an astronaut
Sit back and get high

Oil alternatives
Are needed—let’s study that
Greasy hair of yours

Quit being picky
So what if the blowfish was
Not cut just perfect?

Shock and awe tactics
May work during war but they
Won’t work for dating

Falling down onto
Your back this week reminds you
Of your college days

Bob hasn’t been much
Of an uncle since he fell
Off of the wagon

Shave every day to
Be nice and clean and please that
Hoodlum Benny Bell

It takes a true nerd
To install a sex drive on
His home computer

Simply your life
Do you really need eyebrows
And your self-respect?

I don’t know if you’re
Ready for the high-paced life
Of a noon jogger

This week don’t miss the
Secret meeting at the place
That I cannot name

The price to pay for
Being with Christina is
Listening to her

There aren’t enough nice
People in the world — move to
Another planet

Plan a romantic
Getaway for when you rob
That bank this weekend

It may take two to
Tango, but it only takes
One to berate them

If you want to do
Some serious thinking then
Do not get high first

Don’t get mad, get a
Mad warlord to execute
Your sworn enemies

A Terminator
Has been sent to stop you from
Boring the future

Invest in more bling
As the price of gin-and-juice
Goes down, bling will rise

Your sex appeal is
Somehow only increased by
Your creepy dead stare

That so-called “normal”
Dog of yours will reveal its
Toilet bowl fetish

What the world needs now
Is a movie about a
Talking dalmation

Don’t cry over a
Spilt bucket of tears — you will
Choke on irony

A dollar can go
A long way, providing it
Hits the water right

Love and happiness
Will enter your house this week
While you are away

Though your will is strong
That cheesecake can kick its ass
Eight days of the week

An unfortunate
Accident will result in
The nickname “High Pitch”

Memory has served
You well — I advise tipping
Before it knifes you

Wear your sunglasses
At night: You will look cool and
I can rob you blind

Your country music
Songwriting reaches new heights
Rhyming “me” with “be”

Make love, not war that
You will inevitably
Lose to the penguins

Music won’t soothe the
Savage beast but you can club
It with the guitar

While you are reading
This horoscope, I’m going
To steal your hubcaps

Though gambling is a
Sin, it’s probably not worse
Than killing gamblers

Sex in an airplane
Is even more thrilling if
You are the pilot

You can’t be right all
The time, but that won’t stop you
From licking the frog

You should look out for
The little guy, who is a
Cauldron of hatred

Waffles are a great
Way to start a day filled with
Longing for waffles

Stray from the beaten
Path once in a while to keep
From starving the bears

With the cape and fangs
You are blowing the hickey
Out of proportion

You will be shocked by
The next Girls Gone Wild film, which
Shows girls devolving

Put on a blue suit
It won’t solve any problems
But you will look sharp

Ghetto blasters are
Not just for the ghetto but
Also for assholes

Big-screen TVs will
Give you clearer and crisper
Crap for your dollar

Satellites beam out
Terrible TV shows to
Hostile aliens

Red minivans are
The root of all the evil
That plagues your driveway

What you thought was the
Bluebird of happiness was
Just a Prozac dream

Say “yes” to your life
Then it will stop bugging you
And you can sleep in

Under the black light
All your hidden flaws become
Visible and fun

You will get a job
In agriculture this week
Guarding fields from crows

Play with small children
They are our future, and they
Are easy to beat

Be wary of those
Who claim to tell the future
With tarot crackers

Watch for axe-wielding
Killers this week, and also
Every other week

Your musical taste
Is perhaps better described
As horrible taste

You will be hired for
The dubious position
Of office scumbag

Nobody likes a
Guy who steals their car for fun
Start to wear a mask

Astrology is
The study of stars and their
Effects on suckers

You will amaze the
Scientific world with your
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About Our Practice

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Contact Info

12345 West Elm Street

Phone: 1.888.456.7890

Fax: 1.888.654.9876

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