The Weeknd on His Weekend Off

SATURDAY

10:37 — wakes, orders breakfast from room service: crab and blue cheese omelette with side of pears

11:06 — coffee and the Reader’s Digest

11: 43 — showers, dresses in camo

12:03 — record shopping

1:32 — light lunch in café (whichever one isn’t playing a Weeknd song): crepes and espresso

2:02 — window shopping

2:11 — ignores phone, more window shopping

3:23 — enters bookstore, browses poetry

3:57 — smashes phone

4:03 — back to hotel, late afternoon nap

4:34 — sets curtain on fire

4:52 — leisurely stroll to a far-off restaurant, hobby photography

6:17 — dinner alone: tuna steak and asparagus

7:23 — dessert at a different restaurant: plain apple pie

7:47 — buys new phone

8:36 — back to hotel, rents movie: Weekend at Bernie’s

9:12 — misses hair

10:37 — retires to bed early

SUNDAY

10:37 — wakes, does the exact same things as the previous day, at the exact same times

10:37 — dies inside

Lovecraftian Comedy at The Rusty Toque

The Rusty Toque
30 June 2015

The wonderful Kathryn Mockler over at The Rusty Toque has republished my Lovecraftian comedic short story, originally published in Matrix back in 2006. Everyone thinks the “Guy” in the story is Guy Maddin for some reason — but it’s not, sadly, just “some Guy.”

What Knausgård Reviews Look Like to People Who Haven’t Read Knausgård

Karl Ove Knausgård’s new book is beyond long, and way past self-indulgent. You should read it! He can’t write well — his prose is clunky and often seems unedited. His translator’s not great. You should read it!

Knausgård seems like a horrible person, from all accounts, including his own lengthy account. He’s great! His life is not interesting, since he has done little worth writing about. Did I mention that he’s not that great a writer? Get off your ass and go get this book!

Knausgård is a whiny white male who has written a very long book whining about the struggles of being a white male today, and he titled the book after Hitler’s book. It’s sooooooo worth reading! Sorry, I meant to say a series of very long books.

A very long series of very long books, about a white dude’s struggles. All he wants to do is write super-long books, but he’s not that great a writer, so it’s hard! If you haven’t read Knausgård yet, then get crackin’, Jack! What are you waiting for?

Knausgård is kinda like Proust, except that he’s not Proust, because he can’t write that well. He’s the Proust of today! Don’t miss out!

This new book is named after a Bruce Springsteen song, for no apparent reason, or maybe he’s unaware of the song somehow and thinks he’s being original. He’s not. Some reviewer called Knausgård “far from original” and I agree. That reviewer was praising the book, by the way — it deserves all of its praise, and even more praise! It totally lives up to the hype!

It’s pretty much the same as every other white dude’s autobiographical novel, except it is super-fucking-long and you should read it immediately!

!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!
???
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KKK-KNNNNNNNN ….

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!KNAUSGÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!