“Abstinence Vampires” — A Poem by Ryan Fitzpatrick

I’ve been ranting and raving about how I don’t understand the recent teen vampire craze (seeing as how the “vampires” are so lame and figuratively toothless). So Ryan Fitzpatrick has written me this poem. Thanks Ryan!

ABSTINENCE VAMPIRES

for Jonathan Ball

Yay for one Tiger Beat fangirl who refuses
to divorce her rainbow-fast ejaculations.

There is clearly something wrong with boys,
at least, it’s tough how they act all panoramic.

The problem with rehearsing Shakespeare for
reals is the puritan bonbons in the margins.

Imagine Donna Reed as a reverse vampire
except for the missionary-style beatdowns.

It’s funny how the rape fantasy isn’t apparent
until the dancing unicorns get so intimate.

Down here on Earth, we’re glad that teenage
boys are assaulting each other in GTA.

Reading smut is a clear gateway to a college
education since the best guys are smutty.

These house-husbands are so fluffy and silly
for letting themselves be totes gay vampires.

I hope that these half-vampire Juno wannabes
remember to be someone else in their life.

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