by Jonathan Ball, Registered Fraud
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Confucius says a
Lot of things, but he’s old and
Very senile now
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Despite what they say
The quick way to a man’s heart
Is still oral sex
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Play with small children
They are our future, and they
Are easy to beat
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Mix the bang in with
The boogie until it jumps
Up, and then repeat
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Nothing says “I care”
Like a robot programmed to
Breakdance and talk trash
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
With your vast legions
Of loyal field mice, you will
Accomplish nothing
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
If you think life is
Hard now, wait until you get
To the lightning round
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
As stylish as it
May be, resist the urge to
Go to the bathroom
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Your joy at learning
To read will be dampened by
Your reading of this
Capricon (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Lock horns with success
Get yourself a bikini
And a record deal
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Though you smell a rat
There are no flaws in your plan
To rob the sewers
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Before you meet your
True love, you should prepare by
Having sex with me
